Udderly Mom

I made this!

2012-02-11T12:41:00.000-05:00

Using only my fingers. Finger crocheting is very appealing to me as I only need the yarn and my own two hands. My husband keeps asking why I don't use a hook, but I am not that coordinated. I saw a blog post and watched a few youtube videos on how to do it. I did not use a pattern, am not entirely sure I was doing the "correct" stitching, and it is chock full of mistakes (uneven ends in a few spots, some visible knots, and one little 'hole'). But there is something satisfying about working the yarn with your hands and having something to show for it. I found my groove in my own way of doing it. Despite the mistakes, I think it came out pretty, and will still keep my bear cub warm! It was made with love, and intention, for him, often while I was nursing him. Working on this has been therapeutic, I forgot how much I enjoy 'crafty' working with my hands and how relaxing it is, simultaneously clearing my mind and bringing clarity and focus. Next up, a pretty purple and pink blanket for my little bear. As she said when I showed her the finished product, "It is SO cozy, mom! Can I sleep with mine every night?" Not perfect, but I enjoyed doing it, and am proud of the finished product. Sort of a metaphor for life, no?

Going Primal

2012-02-05T17:23:00.002-05:00

I have mentioned on here that our family has made some big changes with regards to how we think, eat, and consume our food. Normally, I eat pretty healthy, but this past year was not my best and we ate out a lot (both good and fast food). About 2/3 of the way through my pregnancy I developed a nasty little Coke habit, one that cost me a cavity, and more than a few pounds I am sure. It wasn't long after I had my little cubby that we were living in a hotel, moving, and getting settled in a new house/area. Then it was the holidays. Oh, the cookies that were made here! I started feeling a bit like a sugar addict, craving all sorts of the badness that tastes so good when it hits your lips! I didn't like how I felt, or looked, and knew it was time for a change.

I read Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson and it was a easy and great read that flies in the face of everything you have ever learned about nutrition and exercise (Conventional Wisdom). Backed up by science, it focuses on eating real food (not processed), minus sugar, trans-fats, grains, and legumes - just like primal man did before the age of agriculture when all of today's chronic illnesses and epidemics got started. It was pretty much a summation of all different nutrition, exercise, and lifestyle information that I had been researching the last couple of years. It brought it all together in one place and was the first "diet" book that was really and truly about a lifestyle change. The author asserts there are 10 ways of being Primal in the modern world:

1. Eat lots of animals, plants, and insects (no bugs here, thank you!)
2. Move around a lot at a slow pace
3. Lift heavy things
4. Run really fast once in awhile
5. Get lots of sleep
6. Play
7. Get some sunlight every day
8. Avoid trauma (be smart, seatbelts, etc)
9. Avoid poisonous things (McDs, anyone?)
10. Use your mind

So really, only the first one is about the actual diet, although it probably is the biggest component. The rest is how you move, think, act, and be in the world.

Many people, when they hear of how we have changed, say, "I couldn't do it." My response is that I couldn't either, until I did. And honestly it is a lot easier eliminating a whole food group than counting calories, eating fake food, or counting points. I did a complete overhaul on our cupboards, throwing or giving everything away with hydrogenated oils, trans fats, canola and other vegetable oils, flours, grains, high-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, genetically-modified organisms, etc. We buy and eat a ton of meat, fish, poultry, vegetables and fruit, and nuts. We buy mainly organic, local, grassfed, pastured meats, eggs, poultry, and pork. I cook just about everyday and we eat primarily out of our fridge and off the counter. Real, fresh food. And it tastes great and is very simple. We both feel amazing and have taken off about 10 lbs each. Eric has 2 inches gone from his waist in a month. We aren't super hungry anymore either, and we eat until we are satisfied, which is a lot less than we ate before - just naturally. Eric's migraines are almost gone, and he has more energy. For me, I just feel good!

We have had a few "treats" here or there, but honestly very rarely ever feel the urge to stray. And if we do, it is more of a thought than a "omg, I must have that NOW" type feeling I've had on other programs. I have also had to give up dairy due to Oliver's sensitivities, so that has been a big change. I miss cheese, (and could technically have quality full-fat cheese with this way of eating), but found substituting coconut milk for smoothies, and creamer is working just fine. I find it much better to focus on what we CAN have, which is pretty much anything else. We eat plenty of great meat, use plenty of fat in our cooking (extra virgin olive oil, coconut oil, ghee, and butter - just call me Paula!), and haven't met a roasted vegetable we didn't like!

It has only been a month, but I can truly see this being a very long-term thing for us. Personally, I need to incorporate the exercise portion (which is hard with a baby and the winter up here), but I do pretty well with all the others, most of the time. We aren't perfect, and even the author says to shoot for 100%, knowing you will realistically hit the 80% mark. And I am cool with that. And how can you not love a program in which you indulge in a glass of red wine with some dark chocolate every night?!?

I really encourage you all to read the book, but I will warn you - it slaps conventional wisdom right in the face. Eat fat to lose fat? Saturated fat is healthy for you? Carbs are ruining your body and your hormonal sensitivities? YES, all true. Open your mind, and if you decide to give it a shot, I'd LOVE to hear your experiences.

****Of course, I am totally a Primal Mother (extended breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing, etc) but that is a post for another day :) See, it all ties in so nicely!

Simply 2012

2012-01-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

This will be a year of rebuilding (and creating new infrastructure) for us, in many ways. Especially after the big upheaval with 2011: a husband home, but not really; a pregnancy with some minor complications, the whole process of the house being ready/shortsale; the move; and the holidays. The move, so long an endpoint, is now well over and has given us a fresh start. I have already told you how much I am loving my life right now, and I don't want to be redundant. But as I did last year, and promised a few weeks ago, I will give you my word for 2012.

I have a bunch that came to mind, so here is the list:

health
calm
balance
home (as a place of refuge)
family
simple

I finally settled on simple, or simplify, as I feel it best encompasses all these areas, really. My life has slowed down and it feels REALLY good. I didn't realize that I was so busy! I sort of feel like the pendulum is swinging the other way right now, and that is a good thing. This year I want to focus on being, not doing. Here is a quick run-down on how I plan on simplifying each area of my life:

Home: I am continuing the pre-move purge into the post-move purge, and just continuing to streamline. This is and will always be a work in progress, and I probably still have more than enough, but for me as long as it is practical and visually appealing, it can work. Currently I am reorganizing the playroom and creating a rotating toy library, which is A LOT of work but I think is good for everyone in the house. I hired a lovely cleaning lady that comes every 2 weeks so I can complete the day-to-day tasks and still have time to enjoy my babies. We are working on a good rhythm of our house and also limiting media consumption in all forms. This is going pretty well, and has sort of happened naturally, which is nice.

Relationships: We wrote, and are trying to live out, our Family Mission Statement. A huge focus is on parenting, connection with one another (all of us), and our marriage. Family comes first in lieu of involvements and commitments to the best of our ability. We are spending quality family time with one another. Totally loving being a mom of 2 and family of four, I feel like I am "becoming", fulfilling my potential as a mother. This truly is a vocation!

Faith: This has been an area which is faltering for us. Not our faith per se, but our practice of it. It has been hard to leave a parish with which we identified as our home. Everything about that church I miss - the people, the priest, the songs, the community, the activities, etc etc etc. Our new church here is just fine, nothing will ever compare to what we had. And so we find ourselves less than excited and it definitely affects how we worship. SO, now we need to get back to basics. I need to remember that my faith doesn't need to "look" or "be" a certain way, and that we may be going through this for some reason. I need to just make it simple by praying without ceasing, and realizing my faith in a whole new way now. Other than just talking with God, I am working on some more ways to make this more of an active part of our lives.

Work: Eric has moved to a regular job and life feels much more normal! As for me, I am not doing my breastfeeding group here, but did find one to attend, and may end up teaching some childbirth classes in a few months. I am not doing my private practice, and I miss all of that so much. I am still working on completing my project, but simplifying leaves room for that. Julia Cameron said, "The creative process is a process of surrender, not control." And I have to open myself up to that.

Health: I addressed most of this in my post about how I am digging it here. A big focus is on our lifestyle right now, and we have totally changed the way we eat. Eric and I have just about completely cut sugar and grains (including corn and legumes) out of our diets and are concentrating on eating primally. Eric's migraines are gone and we have never felt better. We simplified to eat slow, real food and not processed crap. Sometimes it is more work, and definitely more money, but well worth it! We buy fresh, local, organic when we can, and have access to fabulous grocery stores, CSAs, and Farmer's Markets here. We are also continuing in our green efforts in an effort to reduce waste - some new things, we have given up our microwave and are now composting. If it works, I may also try gardening, but we will see. As far as exercise, we just need to move! Just walk, play, yoga, and TTapp, who knows? I just have to get started. Nothing fancy, just keepin' it simple.

Finances: Ugh. LOTS of work here thanks to our continuing shortsale process (don't even get me started, it has been a trial) and the move. Our plan is to Dave Ramsey it up once this house deal closes. And we get our tax return. Simple - pay down our newly acquired debt, tank up savings, and invest. Baby steps.

In some ways, the move and the life we lead here begets and fosters these changes just because of circumstances. Its a good, coming together feeling. Like I can practice and live how I have wanted to. I already feel like we are on a solid path, but continue on our journey of ever-improving. This post isn't as eloquent as I'd like or even how I saw it in my head, but I just wanted to get the ideas down someplace other than scribbles in a notebook. This is it, folks, home and family, with a random smattering of friends and activity here and there. This is our time to rebuild.

"Be Still and Heal" ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Irony

2012-01-15T21:09:00.000-05:00

Facebook has been frustrating me lately. When I nurse or am otherwise "stuck" in a chair with a sleeping baby, I often scroll through Facebook on my phone. And for some reason, it is making me a bit crazy and I am not sure why. It is almost overstimulating, all the links, photos, and information sometimes makes my head swim. I have always enjoyed Facebook, but now am having some ambivalence. I also have always read a bunch of blogs on nutrition, breastfeeding, parenting, etc. They give me ideas and tools to use that I never considered. I have cleaned up the ole Google Reader and have started reading them again, and for all except a few, I am feeling the same way. Information overload maybe?

Another thought. Your family and childhood friends know you, how you have come up in the world, and your backstory. They knew you when. I have often wished through life when I met someone new, especially in college, "oh, if you only knew me back in the day, you would understand why I am like this." So true. But as time has marched on, I have grown and evolved into a completely different person along the way. That person I was then is still there, but in a whole new way. I have traveled many different paths to arrive where I am now. And, in the process, have collected and surrounded myself with a bunch of friends who are similar to me and how I live my life. They are my advice columnists, my support, my normalcy. We are not exactly the same, and differ widely in the areas of religion, politics, etc, but I know who my peeps are for each and every circumstance that may come up. I feel like Verizon, I have a Network. It occurred to me recently that the very same family that I felt used to really "get" me, doesn't really even know the real me anymore. Of course when you go home, you sort of succumb to who you were and flashes of the now come out occasionally. But do they understand? Do they "get" me now? This divide often leaves me feeling defensive, but I am learning to shrug it off. I think they are comfortable with who they think they know, and that is enough. [I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone, because I am having a hard time putting into words what I am feeling. And no, I am not leading a secret life.]

If you followed that at all, you will probably think this is normal stuff people realize all the time. Not sure why this was such a revelation to me the other day. Facebook has a habit of bringing this to light, though, as all "friends" from all walks of life converge on your thoughts or links shared. And since I have been feeling a bit irked by all the online media, I am considering taking break from it for a while. Just tossing it around, no plans just yet. Maybe for Lent? The problem is I really like the connection I have to so many friends and resources who I have moved away from. Maybe I just need new limits?

Ultimately, as much as I use the internet for research, ideas, etc, the "voices" can be too many, and after awhile they all sound the same. Maybe some truths I need to discover on my own. Maybe I need to focus on just being. And let the cards fall where they may. Who knows, these are all things I am working out in my already overstimulated brain. Maybe it is because my life has slowed down to a comfortable pace and it feels so good that all the rest feels like "too much".

I am just writing out loud here, people. This is my space, my one spot, that I can truly be "me". Yes it is published online, but I don't share with many people. If they stumble across it, that is fine. Obviously, it is public. I just like having something concrete that I can pour the litany of thoughts into and get it out of my brain. Just another stop on the information superhighway, adding to the overload. Oh, the irony!

I like my life

2012-01-15T20:37:00.000-05:00

I was thinking today just about how we are now living like I have been wanting for some time. I love being a family of four, my heart bursts with love for all of them. We have oodles of family time now and are really finding a good rhythm, tweaking when necessary. My spouse is supportive and loving and sweet and caring and helpful, my true partner. My kids are so freaking amazing and I really enjoy being their mother, even when it sucks sometimes. We are working together to meet our family mission statement, namely with regards to money, parenting, our household, and our life. I like how we are being conscious with our choices and consumption - I breastfeed, we cloth napkin and diaper, we make our own laundry detergent and deodorant, the kids and I use only natural products from small companies (still working on E), we got rid of our microwave, we buy fresh, local food from farmers at the market (and it is AMAZING), we have recently cut out grain, legumes, and most dairy from our diet and are feeling FABULOUS (and dropping some extra weight too!), we have a Berkey water filter, Vitamix, and SodaStream and I love them all for their healthy aspects, we compost now(!), and of course, continue to recycle. It just feels like all of these things that I have been wanting to do but have been on hold for one reason or another is finally coming together. I am living the way I have always wanted, and it feels great (notice a theme?). It totally helps that Eric is on board and going the journey with me - that whole "same page" thing really makes the difference!

We still have work to do with being more active, but it is hard where we live, especially when it is freezing cold and you have a baby. But with time, and season change, I have no doubt we will get there. I still want to change up a few things in the diet area with my little bear, and she how it affects her. We got complacent when we moved and I need to weed out the "yucky" cleaners in the cabinet. All in our efforts to strive toward as chemical-free life as we can. We also want to jump back in to some sort of church life - it has been harder than we realized to leave the church we felt was home to us, and just aren't feeling it up here. I know we will get out what we put in, and so this is another area to work on. Eric and I need to work on finding time for us when we aren't exhausted to connect without little bear or the cubby around. But our communication is going strong, so that is a plus.

I still have goals for 2012 that I will put up sometime soon, I promise! There is ALWAYS room for improvement. Our house is not always happy, and there is plenty of frustration, but it is one of JOY. And, that my friends, is the ultimate goal. And we will continue to work to make it so. I really like where I am right now, and really really like my life!

Happy New Year!

2012-01-12T12:17:00.000-05:00

I have been knocking around some ideas for my starting off 2012 blog post, and with a baby and running a household, am finding it difficult sneaking time to write. My hands are always busy with food preparation, a nursing infant, my preschooler, laundry, the steering wheel, or a rag. I often browse FB on my phone, especially while my son cluster nurses in the evening, and read all sorts of posts that trigger things I want to write about. I am also reading a GREAT book called Simplicity Parenting, and I am trying to get things in order so I can implement some of the author's techniques (mainly reducing the amount of toys and clutter). I have also just read, and have started eating according to The Primal Blueprint, and I feel amazing! Basically, I don't eat grains or legumes, but do eat lots of veggies, fruit, proteins, and fat. My husband has started with me and he is completely on board. More on these topics later.

Lately I have felt (maybe due to my increased energy from eating better) like I need to conquer this house - finish our last boxes and organize, shop for and prepare nutritious meals, purge the playroom and reconfigure it, etc. I do this all while my daughter is at school and my husband is at work. My baby actually does sleep a bit during the day so I have some time. But, the more I do, the more there is to do, and I am feeling like I am not taking advantage of his babyness! (note: my daughter never slept unless she was on me or I was wearing her, so this is an entirely new perspective for me, and I am not used to it). I looked at him yesterday, and I just feel like time is slipping away from me, like he is already growing up so fast. And what if we decide he is our last? (again we are about 50/50 on the issue and this won't be decided for sure until a couple years from now, but still.) So how do I find that balance of enjoying his babyhood and still doing what needs to get done? Working on this daily. The same with my daughter who has been VERY attached to her daddy since he has been home. He has taken up a lot of my jobs with her, so my challenge is to find ways of being with her that don't involve me holding a baby as well. This post really hit home. Days can be long, and years short, but it seems like even the days are not long enough. I know these are not novel concepts, just some thoughts as we parent more than one child.

We are struggling a bit with our daughter's behavior, she is VERY strong-willed. And that is also a challenge: realizing what is developmentally healthy and appropriate for her age, reigning in our own emotions and reactions to the situation to be able to handle it appropriately, and finding a way to discipline her that respects both her and us as the parents. We strive to be gentle parents, and I think most of the time, we manage to hit that mark. And when we don't, we pick back up and try again in the next moment. And it is okay to be frustrated and not like it 100% of the time. This life we chose, and we wouldn't trade it for the world. My husband and I are sort of redefining our selves and our home life after his prolonged or frequent absences, a new baby, and a move. Here we are very family and home focused, and it is nice to be a family of four. We are working on the rhythm of the house, and the overall family culture. I will keep you updated. I think we have a good start. She is a great kid, we just all need to fine tune. This quote sums it up, "Parenting is 10% your child's behavior, and 90% how you react to it."

My son, oh my fuzzy headed, chubby little love bug! He is such a different baby than his sister. So much more easygoing, and less needy. He is such a happy little guy with a smile that will melt your heart. And you can't even think about holding him without constantly kissing his fuzzy little head. It has been so interesting to compare the two so far. He HATES the car seat and would work himself up into such a sweaty mess that I didn't feel like going anywhere (this is slowly improving). My daughter would cry but be okay if we kept moving. He likes to nurse, but when he is done, he is done. My daughter would have stayed latched 24/7 if it was up to her. He can be put down to sleep (in his swing) or in my bed, she needed to be nursed or worn or held or driven, and couldn't sleep next to me without a nipple in her mouth. He has refused a pacifier, she took one for about 8 months. He weighs as much at 3 months as she did at 5 and a half. Both enjoyed babywearing. I cloth diaper him, never even really knew about it with her. My daughter was a little fuss all the time as a baby (wish I knew what was the problem!) and my guy is pretty easy. My daughter ONLY wanted me (from birth, honestly) and my son is content with a warm lap and a smile (although when it is time to eat, watch out!) My daughter was the ultimate in portability as a baby and we did SO MUCH together, my son and I are pretty much at home with only occasional errands. My daughter was a nursing pro from the beginning, and my son and I have had our issues: had to clip a lip-tie, chiropractic visits, use a nipple shield for the first month, and more recently I have had to give up dairy and nuts. One child isn't better than the other, but it has been interesting to compare them. So different already. LOVE their individual personalities and that it shows up from the time (and how) they come into the world!

It is weird to me how weird it isn't having a son and having two kids. Honestly I think my first was SO shell-shocking to my "old" way of life, and now I have had time to reconcile that. Not that she is my practice kid, but I really wish I knew then what I know now, and feel much more comfortable doing. This is why the second kid is much easier in a way. I followed my instincts and my heart with her, but there were still the "voices" and doubt. Now I just embrace it (mostly) as our life and the way we live. And I think having a second kid has helped me cut away some of the crap and become the mother I am meant to be, to both of them. I say there was an Oliver sized hole that he filled, and I really think that is true. I feel like a much better mother, like I am becoming who I am meant to be, and like our family is expanding to its fullest potential. And with all that growth, of course there are bound to be growing pains! I have embraced this vocation in a way that I never had before, and it is fulfilling beyond words. Frustrating and busy, yes, but this is by far the best "job" I have ever had.

When I can compile my thoughts on my "resolutions" for the year, I will get that up too. Hope you are all enjoying a wonderful start to 2012 and that you are making it all that you wish.

Family Mission Statement

2011-12-27T14:39:00.001-05:00

For the past year, I have been wanting to create a Family Mission Statement when I got the idea from a friend and another blog. I have mulled over it, taking notes when an idea struck, and discussed it with Eric. Finally, this is what we have come up with. I like the idea to have something down on paper, a tangible reminder of what we are trying to achieve with our lives, as a family. (to those who read both blogs, I apologize for the double post!)

Family Mission Statement

Using our Christian values as an overarching guide, we wantto live in service to God:

Cultivating joy, grace, forgiveness, and unityin our family and our community.
Striving always toward balancing.
Showing respect to ourselves, others, and ourenvironment.
Making conscious choices with regards to foodand eating, consuming, and parenting.
Becoming more fiscally responsible and financially sound.
Stewarding our resources appropriately.
Focusing our energy on the family and ourjourney, which is our spiritual ministry.
Prioritizing our relationships with one another.
Parenting mindfully and gently.
Acting from a place of love as our efforts areall to the glory of God.

I have two quotes that came from some of my home decor that pretty much sum it up as well (and more succinctly than I could):

May our home always be a place of Peace and Plenty,

A place of Strength and Sanctuary,

A place of Warmth and Laughter,

A place where Love resides.

Live Simply, Speak Kindly, Love Generously

Here are some other pictures with sayings that I absolutely love that I have come across and I believe are very true (sorry for the glare on the glass, these were taken with my phone):

"What we do with our heart affects the whole universe."

"If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich" ~Tao Te Ching

Here is one from a friend's house that I loved:

And this is what my lovely sissa made me for Christmas last year! So talented, and now one of my favorite pieces!

Do you have a family mission statement?

So Blessed

2011-12-19T13:25:00.000-05:00

After reading some Facebook statuses about holiday stress, hustle and bustle, feeling overloaded, and "getting done;" and talking with people who have made references to being "behind", it struck me today how thankful I am that we are not traveling and going anywhere this holiday season. Now this is a first for me, usually I was so caught up with the hustle bustle of the activities of the season and "things that *had* to be done" beforehand so that it would feel like Christmas. Also, this time of year is a big favorite and a BIG DEAL in my family with lots of cheer and excess, so spending it with them always felt natural and right. Honestly, it always felt a bit less than when I couldn't make it home to spend with my folks and family (confession: I cried on our first Christmas just Eric and I).

But this year, in spite of the move and new baby, or perhaps because of that, I have an entirely new perspective. We are living in a place where there are not stores on every corner, and my son doesn't love being on the go. Even a trip to the grocery takes some planned execution. Christmas gifts were pared down, and either ordered and shipped directly online, or handmade. No cards were sent out, that is why we have the family blog, you know? And since we are new to the area, have no holiday parties or get togethers to attend. Now, those who know me may think this would depress me. But honestly it is very liberating. As much as I enjoy being with those I like and love, I have no "mandatory fun" to take up my time.

What we have done this year we have chosen and enjoyed thoroughly - Polar Express and Santa on the Sea - which was magical excitement for my daughter, and thus, for us. I don't have that sense of being rushed through the season and have really no stress. Yes, my homemade gifts will be late, but 'tis the season! Oh well, Christmas will still go on regardless. I have had carols playing almost all day, every day, and have enjoyed some Christmas movies with my daughter. We got her an Advent calendar this year and started a Advent story book which is sure to be a new tradition each year. We have had fun with Candy Cane, our Elf on the Shelf, and all the little prizes he leaves her in her stocking. My decorations are up, but minimal, and we appreciate how the soft glow of the lights make the whole house feel. My biggest deal now is planning our menu for our simple celebration of the Lord's birthday.

Simple.

That is exactly how I feel about it this year. Somehow my kid is ending up with a heck of a lot more material gifts than I intended, and my husband and I aren't exchanging, but I have a lot of peace and joy in my heart, mind, and soul. And that is the point, isn't it?

I was a bit nervous about all 4 of us being home together for the next 2 weeks, but I think it will be okay. In fact, just lovely. Not without frustration and some angst, I am sure, as we are all off our routine. But when I see my son staring and smiling so big at his sister as she dances and sings to him, hear my daughter guffaw as she plays with her father, or feel as we are all snuggled up watching a Christmas show or reading or spontaneously caroling as we go about our day - it is the greatest gift of all. I feel God with us, in both a literal and figurative sense. And that is what Christmas is about. Finding the joy in the everyday activities together, the miraculous in the mundane. Honoring Jesus, who is Love incarnate. The REAL reason for the season, as they say.

Our Christmas will be simple, quiet, and OURS. One where we can start our own traditions and find our own way as a family of four. Feeling relaxed, full, COMPLETE. I am really looking forward to it, and am off to continue to enjoy our break and just BE. I am a happy, and oh so blessed Mommy. And I wouldn't trade it for the noise, excess, and hustle and bustle any day.

On the other side...

2011-12-12T14:02:00.000-05:00

Well, here I sit, a month from the day we arrived in our new state. Our house is pretty much unpacked, Christmas decorations are up, I have cooked almost every day (and we are going it sans microwave so leftovers aren't as easy), my daughter is loving her new school, and I have a 2 month old!!! From this vantage point, this has probably been one of my best moves, in part because of the work I did prior and having a baby that actually sleeps and is happy in his babyswing. I am feeling pretty settled already, have even busted out the cloth napkins, diapers, and wipes. WAY farther than I ever thought I'd be, which is a huge blessing. The actual move itself with hotel stays, eating out, and lack of any normalcy whatsoever was immensely stressful, but here we are now! We have some boxes to unpack and go through in the basement and to sort our superfluous stuff, but that can all wait until after the holidays.

Like all mothers, my current struggle is maintaining the house while maintaining relationships with both my kids individually and my husband. Unfortunately, he often gets the short end of the stick. As does my daughter, who has almost seamlessly transitioned to school but has been challenged behaviorally here at home. And thus my patience is challenged, and well, you can see how this can turn into a vicious cycle. I am working hard to find our new normal here, and realistically it probably won't come until after the holidays. And even though I am with my daughter all the time when she isn't in school, I just miss the days of her and I being able to do fun things and run around. Oliver isn't as easygoing in that aspect. He hates the car and is not too sure about babywearing. Where Emily wouldn't sleep unless she was nursing or being worn or held, we were on the go all the time. I feel a bit trapped in the house with Oliver, but that is where he does well. We are trying to work through all this, but it is challenging. I am not one to just stay at home, especially in a new place where I have no friends or connections other than the people under my own roof. He doesn't make it easy to "get out there". I am worried as the winter progresses and the post holiday fun winds down that I may slip into a touch of depression, so I really need to make this a priority. We have the Polar Express and Santa on the Sea this weekend so I am hoping he will cooperate so I can participate with my little lovely. I am just as excited as she!

Anyways, we are working through all this. I am trying to get new tools for the old parenting toolbox and not react to the situation. When I can parent gently and mindfully, it all works so much better. I have some fun activities in mind for my girl and I during the winter break, and hopefully with some more life under his belt, my boy will be a bit more portable! My husband, well we do well communicating, and need to work more on some quality time together minus the littles. Which is a bit hard when I have a cluster nursing little chunker on my lap during the evening hours. But I guess he needs to feed his rolls, cheeks, and chin!

I love my new house and really like the area so far, although it is very different than any place I have ever lived. The farmer's markets and local options are wonderful, and we are slowly going broke in food over here, but we are eating well :) We will get there, just wanted to share where we are now that we have come through the other side... I can hardly believe it myself.

A Son is Born!

2011-10-16T21:31:00.002-04:00

Oliver Robert was born 10/4/11 @ 5:55pm at home in the water, and into Daddy's hands. Below is the birth story from the perspective of my awesome doula and a slideshow of the birth courtesy of the photographer. Enjoy!

The Birth Story of Oliver Robert

This storyis written from my perspective as the doula, based on what I witnessed anddocumented. However, your mom's account of your birth may include details and aperspective that mine does not. I encourage you to ask her to tell you herversion.

Yourstory began a long time ago even before your mom was pregnant. Your mom hadshared with me that she and your dad wanted to have another child after hereturned from deployment. So I was not surprised when your mom announced thegreat news that she was pregnant shortly after he came home. We talked fromtime to time about her pregnancy and the possibility of me supporting her asher doula. But it wasn’t for several months that she decided to have me by herside. I was so honored when she told me and I looked very forward to serving byher side as she and your dad welcomed you into their family.

Wemet up a couple of times to discuss her previous birth and what she was hopingfor the second time around. And I wasable to attend the breastfeeding group she led on occasion which also providedan opportunity to connect and spend time together. Your mom planned to take herlast road trip in August. She was going up north to spend time with familybefore your arrival. Then on Saturday, August 6, she called one of hermidwives, Terri, to tell her that her water had broken as she was taking thattrip. It just so happened that when Terri got the call she was standing not farfrom me and was able to give me an update on your mom. I was so worried for herbut glad to know I was able to at least pray for safety and God's protectionfor you from those very first moments. Your mom was in her car with just Emilyand the family dog. So she called 911 and was able to be transported to an areahospital. She was ultimately admitted and prepared for your birth at 31 weeks,a full two months early. Arrangements were made and the hospital staff tookprecautions with you and administered the Rhogam shot as well as someantibiotics and steroids to help make sure your lungs were as mature as theycould be. But then about a week or so later a miracle happened! The hole in theamniotic sac resealed and everything appeared perfectly normal. Your mom wasultimately released soon after and allowed to return home for the duration ofher pregnancy, which meant she was still slated to have a home birth with themidwives of Seven Cities Midwifery. This was such an answer to prayers! Andbelieve me, there were many people who already loved you that were praying ferventlyfor your health and safety. Your mom felt the loving arms of so many friendsand family during that scary time, and you were undoubtedly being held in thepalm of God’s hand as well.

Withthings drifting back into normal, well as normal as they can get in the midstof selling a house and preparing to move the month following your birth, yourmom tried to focus on preparing for your arrival. She made spaces ready in thehouse, including setting up a birthing tub that would eventually be where she wouldmeet you for the first time. Yes, your mom had decided to give birth at homewhere she felt most comfortable. She had a very deep trust in her body'sability to give birth and she wanted the freedom to birth in the manner of herchoosing, in the place she felt the most comfortable, surrounded by people shehad selected to be there. She had met a wonderful group of midwives who tookexcellent care of her through the pregnancy. She looked forward to your specialday with anticipation. But she also wanted you to come when you were ready,knowing how precious each day in the womb was for you, allowing you all thetime necessary to grow big and strong and finalize the inner workings of yourbody. After worrying about birthing a baby two months early, the countdown ofthe last few weeks were such a gift. Every single day of pregnancy was anincredible blessing and before your mom knew it she was full term! And toeveryone's surprise, your mom remained pregnant for another week, and thenanother. And when your mom was still pregnant at 39 weeks, she began to wonderif she might give birth after your due date like with your big sister.Regardless of the time you would choose, she was overwhelmed with gratitude andrelief just knowing that you had remained in her womb for the entire pregnancy!God is so good and your mom was completely at peace with waiting until yourperfect time, even if it was past your due date.

Then onTuesday, October 4 at 6:30 am, your mom sent me a text message. She had been upwith contractions for a couple of hours. They were ranging from every 5 to 7minutes to 10 minutes apart. She wasn’t really timing them for fear she wouldbecome to distracted by that. But her best guess was that they were about 45seconds long.

Your mom called me around 9:00 totell me the contractions were feeling more intense so she was going to trygetting in the water of their bathtub. I could tell they were stronger thanprevious because she put the phone down as she felt a contraction swell. Butshe resumed the conversation as if nothing had happened, chatting in her usualfashion. So it still sounded like early labor. She also called her midwives togive them an update. She did not yet want me to come but she did call your dadto tell him to hurry home because she preferred not to be alone. She had madearrangements for your sister to be picked up from school and taken to afriend’s house. And I knew that gave her peace of mind and would help her laborto progress.

I spoke with your mom around 10:30and she was still trying to decide whether or not she needed me to join her.The contractions were not yet very close. She finally gave in to my request andused a contraction timer so she could definitively confirm that they were wellspaced, about 5 to 7 minutes apart. So I told her I would call her back inabout 45 minutes and we could see if things had changed and make a decision asto whether I should come over at that time. I texted your mom around 11:30 andyour dad texted me back to tell me things were still the same. I asked him ifyour mom wanted me to come and told me she was resting. So I asked him to lether know that I had called but I would wait to come until she asked. I figuredif she was sleeping then there was little need for me to be there. He called meback a short while later to tell me that your mom would like me to come onover. So I told him I would leave shortly.

I arrived to your parents’ homearound 12:30. Your mom was sitting in the recliner and greeted me with a cheerysmile. She was excited and chatted with me as if nothing was gong on. Then shehad a contraction and closed her eyes to breathe deeply with it. She was verycalm and quiet so she looked to still be in early labor. I timed somecontractions as we talked. Your mom recognized that her thighs were clenched.She remembered feeling the contractions in her thighs during Emily’s birth aswell. But when she stood up the intensity increased and she preferred to sitdown.

Your mom did some leg lifts in thechair, trying to stretch her thighs that were bearing the brunt of thecontraction tension. She felt pelvic pressure like something was happening andwe wondered whether her water might be breaking soon. I looked out the openwindow and saw a beautiful garden. The air was mildly crisp and I thought whata beautiful day it was to have a baby. The sun was shining and the sky was soblue. I could even hear birds chirping. It was a gorgeous day, and a perfectday to be born.

After we chatted for a bit, andthought to put an absorbent pad underneath the towel she was sitting on just incase her water broke, she decided to listen to her Hypnobabies cd again tocenter herself. After listening for a few minutes I could hear her breathingslow and knew that she was taking a cat nap in between contractions. Then Iheard her breath increase and go deeper and knew that she was having acontraction. After several minutes of this she opened her eyes and told me Iwas welcome to go if I had something to do. I got the feeling she felt it mightbe a bit early to have me there and since I hadn’t yet eaten lunch I told her Iwould go eat lunch nearby. I would check-in with her when I was finished to seeif she’d like me to return but told her to please let me know if things changedso that I may join her sooner. She assured me she would and so I left. I toldher I suspected things would pick up after the sun went down. But that was justmy opinion. It was just before 2:00 when I went to eat lunch.

I sent a text to check on her justafter 3:00. Your dad answered that she was in the tub in the bathroom and thereweren’t really any further changes. I asked if I should busy myself in town abit longer but he said your mom thought it fine for me to return. She didn’twant me to rush but to come right in when I arrived since the door wasunlocked. It was 3:30 when I returned to find your dad taking a nap in bed andyour mom sitting quietly in the bathtub. She was breathing in and out deeplythrough a contraction and looked very much as she did when I first encounteredher in the recliner three hours before. So I sat at the side of the tub andwaited for her contraction to subside.

She noticed some mucus in the tub,just a bit, but otherwise was still contracting every 5 or 6 minutes. Wechatted some as we had done earlier. And I worried that our talk might distractyour mom from labor and cause her contractions to spread apart. And they didspread out somewhat. I had recorded a couple contractions that were 8 minutesapart. but they kept coming and were always lasting at least a minute. We satthere for about 45 minutes, chatting on and off. Your mom asked me to fetch hera green popsicle from the freezer. And since she was able to describe exactlywhere it was located I felt things were still taking their time. She took a few bites and would hand it overto me to hold when a contraction came so she could take her deep breathesthrough it. And then when it subsided, I passed her the popsicle and sheresumed her sentence where she left off. It was impressive and I wondered whenthings would really kick in. Shortly after she asked for another popsicle so Igrabbed the last green one from the freezer and brought it to her and she didthe same, handing it over to me through a contraction and resuming her biteswhen it finished.

Your mom started thinking about theevening logistics for your big sister, Emily, and asked me to wake your dad sohe could call and make the arrangements. He woke easily and got busy takingcare of your sister’s care. Around 4:45 your mom told me she felt like sheneeded to get out of the tub because she felt closed in, like she didn't haveroom to move. She really wanted to be able to spread her legs out. She wasready to try the birth tub. That indicated to me we might be needing to callthe midwives soon. Her teeth chattered as she got out, which did not strike meat the time, since she had been sitting in the tub for over an hour I knew thewater had grown cooler. And she had also just finished eating a popsicle soonce her wet body got out, the shivers were expected. I draped a towel over hershoulders which she positioned around her waist quickly. She was still feelingmodest so I kept that in mind as we walked. Her teeth continued to chatter andyour dad told her how cute she was as she walked with her teeth chattering. Acontraction came over her as she reached the bedroom door and she drapedherself into the door frame. I waited for it to subside and we continued ourwalk to the other side of the house where the tub was.

I took the cover off the tub andyour dad joined us at about that time, having rested and still finalizing theevening plans for your sister. Your mom got in the tub with little help andwhen she entered and sat down she smiled and said, “Ahhhh.” Then she swung herlegs wide open and brought them back to the center saying, “This is what I wastalking about. I can actually move!” Then she told me she would feel better ifthe midwives came over and asked me to call Terri. Your mom at this point wasstill not sure it was time for them to come. And she was worried she would onlybe 5 cm when they arrived but she had a feeling they should come. So I leftTerri a message, telling her your mom wasn’t sure whether it was time but hercontractions were 5 to 6 minutes apart and lasting over a minute long. Terricalled back immediately and left a message. As it turned out your mom’s phonewas charging in the other room so they didn't hear the ring. But your dadnoticed the call very shortly after that and called Terri right back so she wasable to speak with your mom. It was around 5:10 when they spoke and Terri toldyour mom she would be on her way.

It know it gave your mom peace ofmind to know they were coming, even though she was still not sure how far alongthings had progressed. Amanda, your mom's birth photographer, sent me a textasking how things were going and I told her it might be early but to head onover if she wished. So she got in her car soon after that. Your mom made herfirst vocalizations through contractions around 5:20. They weren't very loudbut were more of a gentle hum. It was a sound a woman makes when she is workingharder through her contractions and was a sure sign that she had progressedinto a more active labor. Then at 5:30 she got up to use the bathroom. I heardyour mom cuss for the first time in her labor and she didn’t mind me joiningher in the bathroom, her modesty was gone, which was another good sign thatthings were getting active. She had a hard time getting comfortable and Ireminded her gently that it might not ever happen, considering she was inlabor. Then she reminded herself that she was capable by saying, “I can dothis”, and gathered herself up off the toilet and back into the tub.

She asked us to put her Hypnobabiescd back on so she could get focused. Your dad took care of that for her but thefirst track he played was actually the one designated for the second stage oflabor, which was pushing. We couldn’t help but giggle as he frantically flailedto turn off the track. Thankfully after a few seconds, he switched it to thecorrect one. Later on your mom told us that she remembered hearing us giggleover that. And we couldn’t help wonder if hearing the track might have had anyimpact on the next few minutes of her labor.

Your mom listened to the cd playingand closed her eyes through each contraction. She asked us to turn on the fanso we did. I also had your dad get some washcloths and cold water so we couldapply that to her forehead to also help keep her cool. The contractions werestill coming 5 to 6 minutes apart but were lasting over a minute. She was ableto relax well in between but definitely wasn’t chatting as she had beenearlier.

Your mom felt a contraction andstood up and I tried to do the double hip squeeze to help ease the pressure forher. Then she sank back down in the water and with the next contraction feltpressure but assured us she was not pushing. We knew her midwives were on theirway and all your mom had to do was breathe and stay loose through thecontractions as she had been doing. She felt another contraction and grippedthe side of the tub and leaned forward toward me. I whispered to her that shewas doing amazing work and to just ride out the wave to the peak and it wouldsubside and she would have a period of rest. She knew it was true and shenodded.

Then your mom told your dad thatshe needed him in the tub with her. Without hesitation he hurried off to put onhis swim trunks and was back in a flash. He paused at the side of the tub andthen climbed right in beside her to offer his support. Very shortly after thatyour mom told me she felt like she had to push. I told her to blow out so shedidn’t push. We weren’t sure it was time for that and the midwives were ontheir way. But another wave came over her and she felt the urge to bear downagain. This time I reminded her to make loose horse lips and she did. Shereached down and felt the bulging bag at which point I called Terri to let herknow. She answered right away and when I gave her an update of the situationshe told me to not let her push and she would get in touch with the others tolet them know. It was around 5:49 at this time.

Then your mom looked at me as shewas kneeling and said she felt your head. I asked her if you were crowning andshe looked right at me and said, “No, the head is out!” She had your headliterally in her hand. Amanda walked in the room right about then. She hadpaused to get her camera ready and then entered to find your mom was trying sohard not to bear down, even though her body was telling her to. I continued toremind her not to push on purpose and she assured me that she wasn’t. Then shetold me she didn’t know what to do or where to go. At this point it was quiteclear that you were trying to be born so I told your mom to get on her handsand knees and asked your dad to get behind your mom in case he needed to catchyou. He looked down and said surprisingly calmly, “I see the baby’s face stillin the sack!” I told him it was perfectly fine and normal. It must have been anamazing and alarming sight for him. But he remained calm as did your mom andthe realization of your imminent arrival became clear. I told your mom she wassafe and her team was on the way, hoping my efforts would help maintain theircalm. Your parents really did remain serene and happy. They trusted birth and Icould see a peace in them as the prepared to meet you. Then we heard a sound atthe door and I knew it was one of the midwives. Amanda stepped out to directJenny to the room and then your mom unable to fight the urge, gave another pushand your dad caught you in his hands. The sack broke as you were being bornwhich was miraculous considering your sack had broken two months prior! As yourmom likes to tell it today, when God resealed your sack he did it with superglue!

Jenny walked in just as your dadwas cradling you to his chest, freshly born. Then your mom shifted her weightback so she could turn around and receive you in her arms. Then we lifted youto your mom’s arms at which point Jenny noticed that the cord was around yourneck. I stepped aside upon realizing she was right there so she could do whatshe was trained to do. She helped get your mom situated so she could hold youproperly and get a good look at you. Then Jenny asked for some towels and I wentabout fetching them for her and anything else she asked for. I was happy to bethe midwife’s errand runner until the rest of her team arrived. The next itemof need was a baby hat and I managed to find one of those after rifling througha nearby bag.

Your mom held you in her arms andgazed down at you. Then she hugged you to her chest and then looked downbetween your legs to discover that you were a boy! That made me laugh becauseearlier that day your mom had told me she and your dad did not have a boy namesettled which made me think you would likely be a boy. And you were.

It was only a handful of minutesbefore Terri arrived. We gathered towels and a pad we made a nest for your momon the floor. It was a team effort to help her step out of the tub and maneuverdown onto the ground. Jenn arrived around then and stepped in to assist whereneeded. Your mom held you close to her chest as they checked for any tears andwaited for the placenta to be delivered. She was still having strongcontractions so I reminded her to breathe deeply and try to focus on you. Aftersome time passed she attempted to bring you to her breast to help encourage thecontractions that would bring the placenta. I wiped your mom’s head with acold, wet washcloth and she liked the way that felt. I also gave her some waterand Gatorade through a straw to help replenish her. We admired your cuteness aswe waited and noticed your pink skin and dark hair. You were very grabby andclutched your mom’s necklace as she held you. It took a bit longer than sheexpected but after about 40 minutes the placenta was finally expelled. And atthat moment your mom felt complete relief in knowing she was done. Your dad cutthe umbilical cord soon after that.

After the birth was finished it wastime for your mom to use the bathroom and move to her bedroom. Your dad wasable to sit in the rocking chair and hold you and Amanda took the opportunityto snap some pictures of the Meyers boys. Jennifer had prepared the bed foryour mom so all we had to do was walk her over that way. Once she made it toher bed, you were back in her arms for snuggling. It was so wonderful to seeyou and your mom staying so close together from the moment of birth. That isdifficult to come by in many hospitals but is so very special when it doeshappen. Jennifer brought your mom some apples and cheese for a snack andencouraged her to eat so she could get her strength back up. Having a baby ishard work and your mom needed to take care of herself.

Your dad got busy spreading theword that you had arrived. Your grandpa did not believe it, assuming your dadwas pulling a fast one. He was a funny guy who liked to be silly and throughthe course of the afternoon it became clear to me that your dad did enjoyjoking around. But in all seriousness he handed the phone to Jenny whoconfirmed that your grandpa indeed had a new grandson. Your dad was back byyour mom’s side when he was finished though. And I caught him gazing intentlyat you and your mom as you nursed in her arms, and I saw a very seriousexpression of intense love and admiration. Your dad was just soaking it all in,all jokes aside, clearly overcome with the love and grace that God had shownhim that day.

After allowing a good long time onthe bed for you to nurse and your parents to revel in your newness, themidwives came in to weigh and measure you. Jenny asked if we had any estimatesand someone guessed 7 ½ pounds. I think it was your dad. And then I guessed 7lbs. 13 oz. and Jenny guessed 7 lbs. 12 oz. First Jenn weighed you usingTerri’s hanging scale and it bounced between 7 lbs. 13 oz. and 7 lbs. 14 oz.Luckily, your mom also had a scale that was designed to weigh newborn babiesand it confirmed your weight at 7 lbs. 13.9 oz. So your weight was rounded upto 7 lbs. 14 oz. and I was proclaimed the closest guesser. I am a notoriouslypoor guesser as is evidenced by my incorrect gender prediction so this was apleasant surprise. You measured 21 inches long.

Time seemed to fly so quickly butaround 9:00 your dad was able to get your big sister on the phone. Your momtold her the exciting news of your arrival and your big sister screamed andhowled with excitement. Apparently she was also jumping up and down, she justcouldn’t contain herself. Then your mom told her your name and she said, “Idon’t like that name. I like Max.” Your mom laughed and being so understandingshe told your sister she could call you Max if she wanted too. I wondered howlong that would stick. Then again, knowing your sister, it might stick forawhile!

Soon after that the midwives packedup their things to leave. I took that as my cue and prepared to do the same. Wetook a picture first and I was pleased to be able to hold you before I left.Then we all exchanged hugs and I told your parents how amazing they were thatday. It was an exhilarating birth and I drove home that night feeling thingswere a bit surreal. I will remember your special birth for a long time, OliverRobert. And I know God has such important plans for you judging from the manymiracles that have already happened for you in you very new life. There arecertainly guardian angels that surround you and so very many people who loveyou and pray for you. I hope that you continue to live a life full of love andmiracles, Oliver Robert!

Written with love by your doula,

Amara Minnis, CD(DONA), PCD(DONA)

http://kimberlingray.myshowit.com/oliverbirth CLICK TO VIEW SLIDESHOW

More to come...

2011-09-07T00:16:00.000-04:00

As always, but now I am in crunch time until my littlest one arrives. Things are slowing down from the craziness of the summer, which had some drama thrown in for good measure amongst natural disasters galore. These are all stories for another time. I also wish I could have chronicled this pregnancy better, but I guess I have a record on Facebook for my baby books :)

As a quick update: house is on the market, got an offer the first day, waiting on the bank to approve. Got all of my purging and organizing done (!!!). Feeling very bittersweet about the move, one second so excited, another my heart breaks a little. My group is being transferred to a local LLL group as their breastfeeding cafe, and I am over the moon about this. My project has also worked out, but I have some MAJOR work to get done before the babers makes his/her grand debut. Emily is doing better this fall now that things have settled in, we both are! 35 and a half weeks pregnant, and overall feeling lovely - I adore being pregnant!

When I move and get settled, I promise to devote more time to blogging - even monthly would be an improvement! I enjoy it, but sadly, it has to be the project that gets laid to the wayside in order to accomplish just normal everyday living lately. Really really ready to slow down, even more than here. These last couple weeks have been good for my soul to slow and settle, and focus more on home and family. Nesting away! This just tells me its time, long overdue, especially once we get moved with the new kiddo. Professional project will hopefully be wrapped up by the end of the year.

If I have any readers, hang with me. Hopefully between all the upheaval and lack of sleep and chaos of raising 2 kids, I will have time to post more. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking :)

Meaningful Quotes at the Moment

2011-09-06T23:48:00.002-04:00

Faith...when you come to the edge of all the light you have, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.

“If you aren’t nurturing your self, what kind of mother can you be, anyway? ”
― Sandra Scofield

We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy, and bravery. ~ Mr. Magorium

"Let a joy keep you. Reach out your hands and take it when it runs by."
– Carl Sandburg

"Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God. Quiet moments, worship God. Painful moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God."

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."
– Anna Quindlen

"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."
– Isak Dinesen

Sadly neglected

2011-07-01T22:24:00.000-04:00

is this blog, and most things related to household life right now. Lots of changes rolling in and a woman can only handle so much!

I have so many things I have wanted and/or needed to share, but don't have the time. As I type, my laundry needs to be switched and folded, bills are waiting to be paid, and a suitcase and a car need to be packed for an impending trip. Such is life.

Briefly, I am 26 weeks pregnant today and doing well. I feel great and am loving Aqua Zumba, water aerobics, and prenatal yoga. Too darn hot to walk, though.
My husband got promoted today and my daughter and I went to the ship to "pin" him. So proud.
My daughter weaned a couple weeks ago, it was all very natural, and okay without any fuss, but still bittersweet. And end of an era.
We are moving to RI about a month from when I am due. Let the househunting craziness ensue!
Trying to purge our house with the thought of "what don't I want to unpack again." So far the garage is done and organized, which now is poised to become the staging area for all future organization. But so much more to do, it gets very overwhelming.
With my husband's current schedule, the brunt of the work is on me and I am solo parenting most of the time. I am over it.
My big project is due November 1st and I have barely completed any of it. Everything is on hold until I can get the house ready by August 1st. SLIGHTLY stressed over that.
Did I mention the realtor wants the house on the market by August 1st?!? That means "show-ready," people! Right now it looks like a bomb went off.
So conflicted about what to do with my group.
So conflicted about the move, this is my home and I LOVE and am established in my own little community. However, loving the idea of a fresh start and actually being a family again. Sad when you realize out of most of your memories, that your husband isn't in them!
Really trying to capture the days by doing fun things with Emmy as it is our last summer just us girls. We have music and swim lessons, go to the YMCA regularly to swim, and just enjoy some general fun and playtime.
Emily is so excited about being a big sister and talks and sings and kisses and hugs my belly all the time. She is going to be awesome, but I am already sensing the insecurity from daddy not being home much, new baby, moving, new school, new friends, etc. That is a lot for a 4 year old. Hell, it is a lot for an almost 34 year old!

Overall, life is grand, just completely overbooked. I realize it all has an endpoint, but there is just SO MUCH to be done before then, that it gets to be a bit overwhelming at times. I feel like I am going solo a lot, but I thank God that my husband is supportive and understanding of my executive decisions. So many changes I want to make when I move, focusing on my family and household, (which was a goal of mine) has taken a back seat (the way I want to do it), so I am very excited to have the new beginning. But I must survive getting to that point first!

I can do it, and my goal is not to be a stressed out mess during the pregnancy. I have been productive lately, and hope to continue that when I get back from our Family Reunion in the hills - I need some downtime and can't wait! In the meantime, I have pictures to upload to our family blog, as well as share updates there. Nevermind my professional site. So, technology is taking a back seat to real life for now. And when I can squeeze in a spare moment, I will keep you posted! Hang with me for another couple months - I will be back regularly, I promise :)

UnPlanned Changes

2011-04-19T12:16:00.001-04:00

Please read this post on why I will no longer support March of Dimes. I am truly disheartened by this information, because for all the good they do, it is negated by the bad.

http://ourteammeyers.blogspot.com/2011/04/support-team-meyers-and-michael-fund.html

Quotable Quotes

2011-04-19T10:56:00.000-04:00

Just a collection of quotes that speak to me at this time. Life has been on fast forward, despite my best intentions, and I have been less than introspective during this Lent and pregnancy. Feeling the crunch and pressure of time, and that is something I strive against. But I wanted to get these in one place as they inspire me during times like this.

As we head further into Holy Week, I hope to get my brain and heart focused and aligned with where it needs to be, ultimately trusting in the Grace of God. Happy Easter!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Calmness is the cradle of power."
– Josiah Gilbert Holland

“I must govern the clock, not be governed by it.”

― Golda Meir

"No work is insignificant. All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence."
– Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself."
– Isak Dinesen

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

― Mignon McLaughlin

"The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink, and somebody to love you."
– Brendan Behan

"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing."
– William Butler Yeats

"He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality."
– Anwar al-Sadat

“Wealth consists not in having great possessions but in having few wants.”

― Esther de Waal

Announcing...

2011-03-26T22:21:00.000-04:00

that my baby is turning 4 tomorrow. Suddenly she just seems SO BIG. When did this happen?

And, in other news, I am 12 weeks pregnant! God is good, and my life feels very blessed right now.

More will come when I have a few moments to spare, too bad my brain just couldn't bypass the fingers and magically create a post. Anyways, here's to a fun day of painting pottery, general merry-making, and LOTS of celebrating tomorrow!

Happy Spring (even though it is sleeting and cold down here right now.)

Milk Monster

2011-01-25T00:14:00.000-05:00

‎In the spirit of my previous post, I went through and pulled all her funny breastfeeding quotes (as well as my observations) for posterity. These were posted on my BestMilk Bistro page and go from most recent on down. Enjoy! (She obviously does!):

"Mommy, I am ferocious for milk!" says my almost 4 year-old tonight. She also announced to me earlier that she found the "greatest age" to be done with milk. In case your wondering, it is 6. Because "4 year-olds still need to drink milk, Mom." (1/24/11)

"Mommy, you are not breastfeeding me! You are just giving me milk." (a random observation this morning said with the sweetest little grin you ever did see!) (12/10/10)

My daughter was struggling and groping at the breast tonight and I asked her if there was milk coming out. She nods and says, "but Mommy, it is far far away from me." :) (12/3/10)

My daughter told me this morning, "Mommy, you are my home." How sweet is that? (11/7/10)

"Mommy, why do I get milk? Because you love me?" "Yes, sweetheart. I was wondering when you think you will be ready to stop having milk?" "Oh. When I am bigger, like you." Maybe I will be going to college with her :) (9/20/20)

After 3.5 years of nursing, tonight my daughter points to my right breast and says, "Mom, that one is the best side." And when I ask her about the left, she responds, "That one is the saltiest." Apparently, on the right side there is more milk that comes out much easier and tastes more "cherry". Oh, the things a nursling can tell you when they are old enough!!! What valuable info! (9/11/10)

"I like your milk, mom, because I love it! Thank you for giving me milk!" ~ No benefits to nursing a kiddo that can talk?!? Whatever. (5/16/10)

Before the surgery, we had only been nursing in the morning and at night. I told her she could have my milk during the day to help her feel better after her operation. So when I asked her if she wanted some milk, Em replies, "Oh! The Breastfeeding milk?" What? I never heard that before! She is so funny!... (3/30/10)

My daughter had her tonsils and adenoids out yesterday and the first and only thing she wanted was Mommy Milk! Thank goodness I am still nursing! Now she is eating and drinking like a champ. What a gift! (3/30/10)

Officially celebrating 3 years of Breastfeeding today! Em and I are a great team! Happy Birthday, baby girl! (3/27/10)

I want to shake my shamrocks today but I think it now has an entirely different meaning, especially to a breastfeeding mother and child! (3/17/10)

My daughter, to me, while snuggling in bed this morning: "Mommy, your breast-es are WARM!" Another benefit of nursing during these COLD days/nights! Brrr! (1/6/10)

My daughter had her feet on my breasts while I was changing her diaper. She said, "I'm protecting your breasts, Mommy." Me, "Oh? Why?" She replied, "I'm supposed to drink milk out of them!" Yes, yes you are, my sweet girl! (12/29/09)

Tonight, as my Emmy was nursing, she was looking up at me lovingly and caressing my face. She said: "Mommy, you are my best girl in all the world!" Awww! Of course, I teared up! (12/17/09)

Call me crazy

2011-01-12T02:00:00.000-05:00

So, tonight I got the bright idea to go back through my Facebook and pull all the status updates involving my daughter in order to document her growth and development. Really interesting, to say the least. My mom is always on me to keep a journal for Em, and I really should. This is the closest thing I have, especially of some of the cuter and funnier things she shares.

A few weeks ago on Facebook I kept seeing these "My first status update" posts, but I think it was a scam because all the posts on all the newsfeeds were the same. So, since I went back to September of 2008 anyways, I thought I'd share my first status update for kicks.

trying to organize her life - the neverending battle. (9/6/08)

Yes, yes I did refer to myself in the 3rd person. The whole name in front thing threw me off. Anyways, I am happy to say I am starting to win that war, it only took 2 plus years! But I am getting there. Always a work in progress :)

They say it better than me!

2011-01-11T11:24:00.000-05:00

I have come across 3 very meaningful blog posts which are in-line with my current transformation and I just wanted to share them.

This one is a post on how eating at home can save your life. The whole post is amazing and really drives home the power of the fork, and our dollars, in making some big change occur even simply in our own homes. But those small changes have a huge impact on the economy, environment, and the world at large.

I also found my new favorite blog, Kitchen Stewardship. She is a Catholic mom who is striving to make some changes in her life, and I love her tenets. From her site:

Kitchen Stewardship is about finding the balance, doing the right thing to give glory and honor to God, becoming more prayerful in the kitchen, and rejoicing in the accomplishment of baby steps on the road to perfect stewardship.

I love the mix of faith, stewardship, balance, and nourishing ourselves and our families. She offers recipes, experiments, and challenges tempered by the idea of baby steps and progress. This is the stuff of my aspirations. In some ways we are there, in others, much more improvement can be made. This post, On Conscious Thought, really spoke to me. The challenge at the end, to stay conscious of the choices you make daily through questioning, thinking about wants and needs, examining your decisions, and refining your skills of observation, is sort of the journey that I have undertaken. It is through this consciousness that I hope to connect.

And finally, this post on being "too connected" online and how it impacts our families. This post hits home for me as I have seen some version of this play out in our life at different times. Sometimes it is "work" and other times it is Facebook that can make me unavailable and not present. It is scary the level of preoccupation and "involvement" that one can have with social media. I see its value in connecting moms that otherwise could be very isolated, but most often, it can feel like a drug. Almost obsessive or compulsive with its use. Ick. I am NOT going to stop Facebook or blogging, but I am going to put some big-time boundaries on it. No more newsfeed - I love reading and catching up on people's lives, but the it becomes too much. Twitter I don't really get or use properly, so that is no big deal. I am going to keep the computer closed when I can, the tv off (for my daughter) so we can do things together. What is the point of being a (mostly) stay-at-home mom if I am not present for her? So yes, social media can be a great tool, but not when you are connecting more with virtual friends than you are with those residing in your same house!

All about balance. Lately, as I have mentioned, I have been off-balance. I am going to swing the pendulum in the other direction now. My resolution for bedtimes and making good use of my time has not been successful for no good reason. This is going to change.

Enjoy the posts and the resulting pondering they may evoke - I sure am!

I firmly resolve...

2011-01-07T00:19:00.002-05:00

Okay, now that we are officially 6 days in to the new year, I should probably get around to writing down the direction in which I'd like to head. You can call them resolutions if you'd like, but I am looking at it more as an overarching guide, something to strive toward in a myriad of ways. One blog I was reading described coming up with one word for 2011. I thought this was a fascinating concept. I like how she broke it down into a different word for her many realms. Another blogger chose to focus on the word create and applied it to her entire life.

The approach I am going to take is sort of a combination. I am going to pick one word, describe what I envision for the different aspects of my life, and some specific steps on how to get there. Remembering, as in anything, it is about progress, not perfection. I will strive to achieve what I feel is the standard, but also remember that I am only human, and thus be gentle with myself. Since nothing is overly prescriptive, I can get back up, dust myself off, and keep on riding if the inevitable fall does occur.

After much pondering and prayer, the word that was most meaningful and kept coming to mind was connect.

As opposed to creating something new, I feel connection, on all levels, is about finding the true that is buried beneath all the crap everyday life tends to pile on. It is a transformation by unraveling the layers, because in a sense, all of these changes are things that I *know* - I just need to find my way back there.

I choose to CONNECT.

To GOD: I want to continue to deepen my faith and my spiritual relationship with Him by expanding my prayer practice, participating in my MOMS group at Church, continuing to be active (as possible) in parish community, and staying open to hear His voice and receive His Spirit.

To my FAMILY: I want to get back to basics and focus on the simplicity and contentment of just being together. A top priority is being present with them, not just physically there. Closing the computer, leaving the emails, and not checking Facebook are all tangible ways to achieve that. I can really become a slave to social media if I let myself. Reading about parenting is not the same thing as actually doing it; and although I use the internet as a tool for education, nothing beats being fully attentive to your life. I want Emily to know she is a part of our life, for better or for worse, at times. I want to parent peacefully (E and I are currently working on our Team Meyers Mission Statement - I will post it when we complete it). As the adjustment of him being home wears off, I want to delve further into my love affair with the man I have chosen to be my co- everything in life. And I want to make time for all of my other family and friends, both far and near, in whatever way I can. I want to be available.

To my HOME: I want to get a good rhythm down to our days and really assume my role as Queen. I want to continue to work on conscious eating and consuming, and really analyze and change how and what we use for nutrition, household products, personal care items. I had a great headstart in 2010 but there is always more to learn and improve upon. This includes using cloth napkins, making my own deodorant and laundry detergent (and not using dryer sheets), washing my hair with baking soda and apple cider vinegar (no its NOT a douche!), and using pure shea butter and coconut oil as a moisturizer. The products we still buy to use are either locally made with natural ingredients, or organic. Eating entails buying local, grass-finished beef and bison and pastured eggs, poultry, and pork; buying local vegetables and fruits from Farmer's Markets or CSAs, or organic if from the grocery; and continuing to learn about and cook real food for proper nourishment of my family. I am currently having our milk delivered. I would LOVE to have a cow-share and get raw milk, but for right now, that is financially and practically not possible for us. BUT it is a goal I hope to achieve, along with the fancy water filtration system I covet for "someday". I would also like to be more fiscally responsible and finally get us to a place where we are comfortable with how we steward our wealth - this will be a work in progress.

To my WORK: I have recently had a perspective shift that sort of cleared my brain and renewed my energy. My work is my passion, my dream, and where I am beginning to feel self-actualized. The problem with that is the tendency to become consumed with the multitude of directions in which to go. With a job like mine, it is easy to see how you could always be doing more. A lot of wheels are usually spinning. Which clutters up my already active brain; even if I am not necessarily "busy", I feel swamped. Since I already have a big project in the works that needs my utmost focus and attention, I am letting go. I will still run my business, and my breastfeeding moms group, moderate my Facebook page, and utilize any opportunities available to me. However, I will not become caught up in the "rat race" or consume my brain with other ways to market myself, get ahead, or diversify. There is SO much I could do, and I have great ideas. And I can't do it all. My main goal was to support moms and babies, as well as my continuing education. I am not abandoning my drive or ambition, simply refocusing on my priorities, such as this project and my recently reunited family. Nothing more important than the latter. I need to practice what I preach! And that little shift in my perspective has already brought me peace.

To my SELF: I want to work on being healthy - and that encompasses everything from moving my body more (much much more) regularly, going to bed at a regular earlier time, making necessary food choices such as decreasing sugar and grains and increasing vegetables to decluttering our surroundings, using my time wisely and making some (even if small amount) time for myself daily, and expressing myself regularly through writing (this blog!). I have the last big project of Emily's closet to get done, and would like more technical organization with getting my pictures and important information backed up to my hard-drive. There will always be the day-to-day life stuff that crops up and eats up time and energy, but my goal is to accomplish what I can, and take it all in stride. We more than likely will be facing a move sometime this year, and the more that is done, the easier it will be. I have a vested interest more than ever because we are hoping to also expand our family sometime soon as well.

Some of these are very specific steps and some are ideals, but both are important in reaching the ultimate goal of connection. This tenet will color my world this year and I will do my best to live up to my lofty expectations of myself - especially now that it is in writing!

I have been struggling a bit in the SELF department in the areas of making good food choices, eating proper portions (or listening to my body), and stagnating (not moving myself). The holidays and homecoming combo was NOT my friend. This is where I am right now, and hoping that since these resolutions are in writing, that it is official. I am committing to change by connecting to myself. There.

I know this is about 2 or 3 blogs posts that were long overdue - sorry it got windy. Writing this has been a good mental exercise and it provides me a vision where I can place both my attention and intention. (I will not, at this time, do a vision board, but I really like the concept.) So, here's to 2011!

Away we go!

A thought for Tuesday

2011-01-04T10:56:00.000-05:00

“Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.”

― Anaïs Nin

Pondering

2011-01-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

A whole mess of change and improvement for 2011, and life in general. I have no set deadline for these goals, but it is more of a horizon for which to head. A complete list will be coming once I can sort my thoughts out, but one of them is a recommitment to blogging. I think the reason why I don't blog more is because I feel this pressure to have thoughtful and meaty posts. And that is way too much to add to my already full plate. Sometimes I need to purge my brain and just unload. This is what this space is for, and I am not utilizing it to its fullest potential. So, now I am repurposing this place with a new look, and a spot to just be "me". No holds barred. Like when I first started writing here. I don't advertise this blog for that very purpose, I almost feel like I don't want to let the people I know in real life in. But, in reality, I will tell you whatever you want to know about me and share down to my soul. Maybe I don't like the fact that it is a written record?!? Regardless, here we go. Fresh for a whole new year. Join me as I repurpose - both my blog and my self!

Just Realized

2010-12-31T00:45:00.000-05:00

That tomorrow is New Year's Eve! And it has been forever and a day since I utilized this space. Huh. May need to remedy that in the coming year.

Quick update - my husband is home!!! We have been enjoying lots of family and holiday time, although I am looking forward to finding a new normalcy next week. I'd like to say I am going to post my reflections/resolutions, but, well, you know me! You can be assured I will be thinking of them, though!

At this moment, however, it is time for bed. Ready for another new year? Coming soon...

Still Around

2010-10-20T08:19:00.000-04:00

I haven't stopped blogging! In fact, my brain is ever churning out posts that never find time to be written down. I have started keeping a book with me so I can at least jot down some of these thoughts, fancies, feelings, observations, etc to quiet my mind a bit.

Have been in a challenging phase which is leading into a period of revelation and growth. This is something I'd like to share, but when I can make the time. Still feel like I am on an overall good track in my journey of personal and family transformation, but of course there are always improvements that can be made. Realizing it is the journey, not the destination, I am embracing each baby step forward as one in the right direction. I am blessed to have found a group of other women, moms, who are with me supporting and praying as they walk their own paths. It is fabulous!

Overall, deployment is going well. Only a couple more months. I can do this!

More later, but until then, Happy Fall! What a wonderful season of death, renewal, and transformation!

Coming down, and around

2010-09-18T17:03:00.000-04:00

We have completed the summer craziness rounds of travel, family, lots of activity, travel, more family, even more activities, and more travel. We had an absolute blast! But now, we are home, broke, exhausted, and satisfied that we made the most of our "holiday." Emily and I are settling in to a couple more months of normalcy, the blessed routine and "busy-ness" that comprises our everyday lives (broken up by another trip) before we begin the happy insanity of the holiday season (with another trip home) and when my other half returns around Christmastime(!!!). This coincides nicely with Fall for me, my season of renewal and energy. Hoping for some cooler weather soon, though. I just love Autumn!

On one hand I am trying to recoup in many ways from all the travel, activity, and financial strain from all of that, plus beginning a new season when everything seems due at once; and yet, moving forward to working on my goals for self-improvement (eating, exercise, professional activities, general living, spirituality, etc). I adjusted rather quickly, and have jumped right in - I was VERY ready to regain my home, my "self", and our life (even though I had too much fun, it was still nuts!). I have been productive in many many ways, completing items from my constant barrage of 'things to do' running in the background of my mind. Although, funny how even though things are getting crossed-off, more and more get added. *sigh*

A couple of readings I have completed have sort of gelled with how I am feeling right now in my quest for self-improvement and balance. I want to share them here. The first is an analogy from a book I am reading called The Balancing Act: A daily rediscovery of Grace. It describes a tightrope walker, and how she moves along the line - never is she perfectly balanced or poised, her whole journey across is subtle movements and shifting toward the center. She is always in the act of balancing. That just resonated with me, because that is exactly how I feel in my life. If my home life is taken care of, my professional life suffers. If I am happily busy with work, am I paying enough attention to my child and my spiritual life? So, my life is a constant act of balancing, I will never get it perfect. That knowledge is immensely freeing to be able to truly enjoy the journey, because that is where happiness is found. The destination is only a by-product, not truly the end result.

The second is from a journal I am working on for my Ministry of Moms Sharing group, or MOMS. It is a program offered through my church for 8 consecutive weeks and I am so pumped! We haven't officially met yet, but in working on my "homework" I came across a few things that I feel align with my journey right now.

Called to Become

You are called to become
a perfect creation.
No one is called to become
who you are called to be.
It does not matter
how short or tall
or thick-set or slow
you may be.
It does not matter
whether you sparkle with life
or are silent as a still pool,
whether you sing your song aloud
or weep alone in darkness.
It does not matter
whether you feel loved and admired
or unloved and alone.
For you are called to become
a perfect creation.
No one's shadow
should cloud your becoming.
No one's light
should dispel your spark.
For the Lord delights in you,
jealously looks upon you,
and encourages with gentle joy
every movement of the Spirit
within you.
Unique and loved you stand,
beautiful or stunted in your growth
but never without hope and life.
For you are called to become
a perfect creation.
This becoming may be
gentle or harsh,
subtle or violent,
but it never ceases.
Never pauses or hesitates,
Only is------
Creative force-----
Calling you
Calling you to become
a perfect creation.

~ from Psalms of a Laywoman by Edwina Gateley, VMM

Here are a few well-chosen words from T.S. Eliot:

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

This is exactly how I feel right now, at this particular spot in my life. I feel I am discovering and revealing my true self along the way, yet coming home to it simultaneously. What an odd, yet lovely, mystery!

I leave you with one more beautiful quote from noted theologian Anne E. Carr, from her book Transforming Grace: Christian Tradition and Woman's Experience:

Grace is the gift of claiming responsibility for one's life as love of self as well as love of others, as the assumption of healthy power over one's life and circumstances.

Heaven

2010-09-10T11:05:00.000-04:00

There is nothing quite like rockin' out to some old school Madonna while driving down the interstate, windows down, sunroof open, Pumpkin Spice Latte in hand. All this after a great 3 mile walk this morning in the beautiful cooler temperatures. Aaahhhhh....

To top it off, I am blogging from my phone in the parking lot of Trader Joes. Just had to share the moment. (updates on our whirlwind summer coming soon. gotta go get groceries!)

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

2010-08-08T01:01:00.000-04:00

This is at the tail-end of it, of course. I would have been remiss had I not addressed it! We had a wonderful potluck picnic in the park on Thursday at BestMilk Bistro (after being locked out of our usual venue), and today we went to a La Leche League celebration at a city park. It was lovely. Still trying to catch up on all the links and blog carnivals out there in support of my favorite topic! But here is a picture of my baby celebrating with her BestMilk Bistro shirt on and her breastfeeding pin. See how happy she is to promote what so clearly has benefited her greatly?!?

We have had almost constant activity for a week (plus) straight, so forgive my lack of online presence here. Hopefully more to come soon! (I know, I know, it is always the same with me!)

was going to post, but ran outta wine

2010-07-28T00:33:00.000-04:00

And that just isn't tolerable! I have other bottles, of course, but being that the hour is after midnight, it just wouldn't make sense to open a new one. Oh well, so much to blog about, and I will catch you up soon. I am going to hit the hay, and hope to do my best tomorrow productivity wise, and maybe, just maybe, there will be a new post up here!

And, let's state the obvious - yes, the background is different again. But that is not entirely my fault. There was an issue with the host, and when I went to get the new code, I saw this little gem and thought I'd try it out. You know me, I like change! What do you think?

Anyways, I am trying for an improved bedtime, so I am retiring now. Will check in soon. I know you are all waiting on the edge of your seat. All 2 of you! Goodnight.

Do I need to change my whole theme?

2010-06-22T00:04:00.001-04:00

This article on "Bovine" breastfeeding moms popped up in the trusty old Google Reader today. It makes sense to me in a way, I guess, but I am just not all that shook up about it. I chose the name for myself, and I am One Happy Cow, after all! I use that as an email address as well, which some of my family felt was "horrible." Again, I chose this for myself! I don't feel degraded, insulted, put down, or minimized by this analogy. I just think it is funny (did you see my cute profile pic?!?) It most certainly has NOT affected my self-esteem or, more importantly, my breastfeeding relationship.

Any readers of mine out there care to comment? Is there some bigger picture I am missing? (btw, I am NOT changing the name and theme of the blog - I thought it was clever! guess I was wrong ;) )

Here is a funny article I just found regarding nursing in public, but the stuff at the bottom about human milk vs cow milk cracked me up! But makes sense, huh?

On a side note, ONE MONTH DOWN!!! Woo hoo!

Letting Go

2010-06-18T00:25:00.000-04:00

I have been getting adjusted to being home and what that means for our lives, on top of navigating some big changes with Emily, things I am trying to do around here, personally, financially, and professionally. I was NOT feeling very well last week and had my AHA! moment where I realized I had stopped taking a key supplement for me. Apparently it works better than I thought! (Alfalfa, if you are wondering). I just felt exhausted and just run down. Couldn't seem to get my head in the game at all, which is totally unlike me. My mind kept churning a constant list despite my efforts to honor the obviously needed respite.

But today, I just saw myself at a crossroads - going down one path, struggling constantly, losing patience, and really in the end not getting anywhere; the other was simple praying and relinquishing control. Before, heading down the first path, I was just mentally abusing myself, really. I had a nice, personal, long chat today with God - and it is amazing how much more at peace I feel. I just needed to LET GO and stop trying to muck around in His plans. And my day was SO smooth. Had a lot to accomplish and just prayed I would be led to do what was best - and suddenly I was almost done organizing all the toys (with some help from Bon Jovi)! A task I have been putting off for months! My house looks amazing, and I can only hope He helps me with going through clothes - another personal favorite of mine. And I have slowly, but steadily, been knocking things off my to-do list today. Such a great feeling. Have a bunch more to get done, as usual, but have to learn to just take a step back and breathe and actually LET GO.

I have had a couple post ideas as usual floating on the edges, but in the end, today I realized, for right now, I am just too tired. Tired of talking really, of analyzing everything (funny I wrote a blog post about my situation analysis than, huh? Oh, the irony, my friend!). So I may eventually get to them, I may not. But bottom line is I am feeling enriched and fulfilled and like myself - like my head just got screwed on, or something. Thanks be to God - to Him, all Glory! But, seriously? Watch out, world, I'm back!

**** I apologize for my lack of grammar and writing style as I am so tired after such a productive day, and my wine isn't helping. Thanks for bearing with me! ****

Mid-Point

2010-06-15T22:35:00.000-04:00

I was going to do a post on my New Year's goals since we are about halfway through 2010. Lucky for me, I never wrote them down!

I guess now I am bound to do one in September to report on my deployment progress. Me and my big mouth (well, I guess fingers is more accurate)!

More to tell, as is usually the case. Suffice it to say for now, that all is going well. Emily and I are adjusting quite well, although we do miss Eric SO MUCH. My brain is foggy and I am whipped lately - and so, I depart to honor that feeling and relax. Update coming.

Welcome to the Wonderful World of (temporary) Single Parenting

2010-06-02T23:59:00.001-04:00

As of about 2 weeks ago, I am now a single parent 24/7 for about 7 or so months thanks. Did you pick up the excitement in my voice? No, maybe it was more like anxiety and fear! Actually, things have gone pretty well so far, with only a few minor incidents. I have had to make sure she understood that although she misses her daddy (and so do I), we still have limits and boundaries. Being consistent with appropriate follow-through is an absolute necessity anyways, but especially when I am "it" for the next half-year with no back-up, it has become a way of life. I told her it would be a long 7 months otherwise so we needed to work things out. I have to finish reading Raising Your Spirited Child and do that parenting seminar I have been wanting to do, because I am sure there are better ways to do things. But I think that, at least for now (and with a totally crazy busy vacation and lack of a good sleep schedule), she has been doing quite well. Also, did I mention I pray for patience and compassion and responsiveness MANY times a day?!?

Another thing weighing on my mind is the whole school issue. I really feel like she is ready for something more, but am between wanting her to be a kid and not pushing her and holding her back from such a sensitive period of learning in her life. Clearly she is a bright kid - immensely verbal, curious, interested and acutely aware of her surroundings, inquisitive, and possessing a memory like an elephant. So I walk the tightrope of the whole situation trying to find balance. I am seeing how she is really trying to interact with other kids lately, and so something in me is telling me it is time for a change. I am researching Montessori as their theory and philosophy seems to really mesh with my own ideals and her personality. We have an interview on Monday at a school to judge whether both the school and us think this is a good fit. I am very nervous about the whole change concept though for her, especially during this very tumultuous time, amongst other things - I am just a worried Mommy. What I have eventually boiled it down to thus far is if I can afford it, she is worth the time and money to at least give it a shot. We will never know if we don't try. If she is unhappy or having a hard time, we can always change. Nothing is set in stone. Any other moms have any "school" readiness signs? This is obviously my first time, so I need some data points. It just sucks because although I can email my husband about it, I still feel very alone with such a (in my mind) BIG decision.

Add to this we are working on potty learning (going well as of now, but can be hit or miss) and she has been sleeping in a big girl bed here at the grandparents' (and I have been staying with her until she is asleep). So do we go back to the crib at home (and falling asleep on her own) or continue this big-girl bed trend and work upward from there? We are leaving this weekend to head back home and I think she is going to have a really rough time leaving my dad the most - she keeps saying she is staying here and doesn't want to go back home. Some transference of feelings about daddy leaving, I think. ARRGGHH! It is just a LOT in a little bit of time and I really don't want to overwhelm her or myself, again, lest you all forget, I am solo now! I just have no one to casually bounce these things off of anymore, no one who really knows her like we do. Although, he would probably only defer to me anyways, so maybe it will be easier with only myself to be accountable to? BIG SIGH.

Lest you all think I am only whining (well, just a little bit - c'mon, cut me some slack!), I do find a HUGE opportunity and silver lining in all of this. I am using this as a time of personal transformation of myself as a woman, mother, professional, wife, Catholic, and an individual. I am concentrating on eating right, exercising, improving my work habits and financial situation through commitment and discipline, organizing the house/kid stuff, growing in my faith, and purging my house and life of all the extra (and often unnecessary) crap. The theme for this time is getting back to basics and being more natural. Some things I need to work on, especially after this trip, is cooking more at home and going toward a more wholesome and nutritious diet; modeling daily exercise, even if just a daily evening walk; playing and doing more activities outside; cutting out the tv and junk; saving money; considering the products I use on a daily basis, and making more of them from natural ingredients (already have cleaning supplies, just did my own deodorant (works better than store-bought), and laundry detergent is next) - more on this later; and learning more about my body and my fertility through Fertility Awareness Methods (its like a big puzzle - so fun to unlock the pattern!).

Also, a BIG professional project came through for sure right as E was packing up to head out - perfect timing for me. And I am always revamping my business and class stuff, and want to bone up on my clinical knowledge. I am going to try to get a cross-stitch done (a lofty goal, but a hobby I loved but have long since enjoyed), and maybe do some personal reading?!? See, being busy is a strong suite for me, but like everything in my life, I am striving for balance in these different areas with the goal of improvement in all of them. And I can never forget my ~~full-time job~~ my raison d'etre - my beautiful baby girl. Need to ensure she remains the priority.

This is also a wonderful challenge for E and I to grow closer and improve our relationship even more despite the miles separating us. Both of us, although reluctant for him to go, have really embraced this, and look forward to exceeding our expectations. We each have personal goals for this deployment all while aspiring to mesh in a way we never have.

Bored? Nah, not me. Will I live up to these ideals? I can only dream. Hopefully I will take all these things in stride, recognizing that in time, all good things will come. I am not trying to kill myself! Patience needs to reign supreme in my house - both with my daughter, myself, and my situation. But, pray for me still, okay? And I will keep you posted...

EDITED to add: Found a bunch of blog posts on these topics in my drafts that apparently I was going to get to, but never did. I will add that info in later when I can go through them all coherently. For now, it is late, and I am done! (No wonder I felt like I was repeating myself!)

Memorial Day

2010-05-30T14:21:00.002-04:00

"Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction, 'I served in the United States Navy.'" ~ JFK

Remembering ALL Veterans - the soldiers, sailors, airmen, coasties, and Marines who have given the ultimate sacrifice in service of their beloved country, on this Memorial Day! Please thank a Veteran for your Freedom!

"Our debt to the heroic men and valiant women in the service of our country can never be repaid. They have earned our undying gratitude. America will never forget their sacrifices" ~Pres. Harry S. Truman

Eternal Father, Protect Him

2010-05-20T23:34:00.000-04:00

Eternal Father, strong to save,
Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,
Who biddest the mighty ocean deep
Its own appointed limits keep;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

O Christ! Whose voice the waters heard
And hushed their raging at Thy Word,
Who walked on the foaming deep,
And calm amidst its rage didst sleep;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

Most Holy Spirit! Who didst brood
Upon the chaos dark and rude,
And bid its angry tumult cease,
And give, for wild confusion, peace;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

O Trinity of love and power!
Our family shield in danger’s hour;
From rock and tempest, fire and foe,
Protect us wheresoever we go;
Thus evermore shall rise to Thee
Glad hymns of praise from land and sea.

In Remembrance

2010-05-19T21:45:00.000-04:00

You are NOT forgotten! Today, 4 years ago, you were lost to me physically - but mentally and emotionally you are still very much a part of our family.

Thank you for paving the way and being the guardian angel for my little girl, Emily. That is how I look at you. I love you, my sweet baby, Rest in Peace. We will be reunited someday in heaven.

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-10T00:38:00.001-04:00

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. --Rajneesh

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God said "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you." The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God said "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy." Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will
teach you how to speak". "And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray." "Who will protect me?" God said "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you." At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, You will simply call her, "Mom."

I am took the last from an email that circulated around, but it is so beautiful. I am blessed to know and work with so many moms who are an inspiration to me every day in all aspects of parenting. The conscious choices that are made in raising children are so wonderful - and they are changing the world, one child at a time!

This is not the post I had in mind for today, but like most aspects of my life lately, I am adapting and going with it. I hope all of the Moms out there, especially the ones that I know and love, felt honored, celebrated, cherished, and most of all LOVED on their special day - in whatever form that was. My day didn't exactly pan out how I thought it would, but unexpected blessings and joy were to be had regardless. My husband was so thoughtful and kind today, going out of his way to show me his love. I didn't get a bouquet of flowers and the brunch was less than stellar - BUT I got to sleep in all 3 days this weekend, the kitchen has been cleaned up for me every time it got dirty, and I didn't have to cook or do anything other than enjoy my family! My daughter was so sweet and pure in her love today and told me repeatedly that she loved me and wished me, multiple times and unassisted, a Happy Mother's Day. How my day actually did pan out - I spent it with my lovies - both of whom granted me access to this wonderful, crazy journey on which I am blessed beyond words to have embarked! I love you both! ♥ ♥ ♥ Priceless, and worth more than a box of candy.

I leave you with this (a stolen status update from a Facebook friend - sorry, it was beautiful!):

"Real isn't how you are made. It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you...REALLY loves you, then you become REAL." (The Velveteen Rabbit). I am real because I have been loved by my life's greatest blessings. Happy Mother's Day!

From the recesses: A double post!

2010-05-05T01:02:00.001-04:00

So. I have had two big posts floating around in my brain for quite some time now. And I lack the time to properly formulate and coordinate my thoughts to put them together in some sort of cohesive manner. As I make my way through my list in Google Reader, I am often times very inspired to elaborate on and put together a montage of sorts of the different blog posts on a certain topic or idea that makes me nod my head wildly while reading. The ones where I want to high-five the blogger or just say "exactly!" And I have a bunch tagged and put together to sort of "justify" my initial idea - sort of a reference list, if you will. However, my brain has been so preoccupied with the tumultuous highs and lows of life lately, and certain exciting projects have taken the lead, so that I can never come up with something original or eloquent enough. But still they are there, remnants, rattling and blowing around in the forgotten areas of my brain, like white noise in the background.

And then Today! Three posts that summarize almost exactly what I have been wanting to write about more concisely than I would've. (And it will save you the reading of the extensive list of blog posts I was planning to share to illustrate my point!) Think it was a sign? Well, since you are reading this, I am guessing you can judge my opinion on that matter!

So, here I go. This may still be a futile attempt, but maybe it will at least quell the white noise a bit.

Since I went through a serious reevaluation of my life late last summer and taken steps toward self-improvement in many ways, one theme keeps resurfacing over and over, especially during this past season of Lent. And that is the idea of dying to self. This has almost been knocking me in the head with a 2x4, and probably because I tend toward the selfish. As a Christian, we are called to do that in reference to Christ. However, I have seen how necessary it is in marriage, and it has thus dawned on me, parenting. Over and over this has been made clear - I guess I really had something to learn. This post on marriage sums up what I keep wanting to say, but not finding the words. I have read it in devotionals, heard it in homilies, talked about it in counseling - and the more I struggle, the more necessary I see it is. And my relationship, my marriage, my life has been transformed due to this principle. It seems so hard, and there is a big rebellion of my self over the greater good. Why should I have to "die"? Here is a good example of the benefits that can come from such a daily practice. If we die with Christ, we believe we will also live with Him. (Romans 6:8) The resurrection you experience is breathtaking!

For those of you not married, or are not believers, you may think, "So what?" Well, if you are a parent, think long and hard about what it means to be a parent, the parent you truly want to be in your heart of hearts. And think about what that looks like in real life. Sounds a lot like dying to self, huh? How many times do you have to put aside your wants, needs, desires, ideas, expectations, etc because your child required otherwise? Probably more than you can count. This post is in reference mostly to sleep training, but I like the focus on being a responsive and present parent beginning with the newborn stage. Many people just don't get that the choices you make, especially in parenting, may seem very small but they have HUGE ramifications. What you do DOES matter, especially to your child, so make an informed, educated choice on how you want to parent. Don't just react to peer pressure, your initial ideals pre-parenthood, or how you were parented. You may not always get it right, but you have an ideal to strive toward.

Which leads me to the second post I was planning on writing (and will just lump it in here since I am on a roll). Parenting and discipline for me has become a big issue. Being out of whack is no good for any child, but especially not for my girl. She acts out due to being out of sorts, I don't respond well, she reacts, then I react, and soon we are in a vicious cycle. A few times in the last month I have felt at the end of my rope, crying to my husband that it just sucks when you know the choices you make aren't good, or fail to meet your own expectations of parenting, but you have no other tools in the toolbox. The ones you are using no longer work, but for lack of anything else, you press on, or try something you never intended to out of desperation. And that my friends, is a recipe for disaster. At this time, it seems you are more sensitive to perceived judgment of your parenting style or the fact you are failing at it, and you may succumb to the peer pressure to try what you previously held strong beliefs against. Because, because - no matter how much you love them, no one wants "that kid". You may not openly admit that, but I believe that is true.

Can you tell age 3 has rocked my world? Whew! We have also had lots of life stuff going on all at the same time just to make it even more fun. Reading some new books, the Ames & Ilg, of course, and also Raising Your Spirited Child, when I get the time. Talking about it with my husband, my mother, and my friends helps. But, interestingly enough, when I reach that point of breaching my initial ideals - I find they don't work, meaning she doesn't respond positively to it. And that is a great lesson for me. Follow your instincts! And it helps to read posts like this so I can totally commiserate. (and here is another that totally applies).

I am a big fan of gentle discipline (and have a million links if you are interested, but I won't make this a thesis) and usually all I need to do is read more and gain new insights, refuel myself, and gather more resources. But at times of stress, this doesn't happen. And when you have to escalate (yelling, threats, being physical - NO I have never hit her, relax) then that is a sign that things have changed and the old guard is no longer effective. Here is where I found myself smack dab in the mid of our vacation. I hate the disparity between what I want to do or say and what ends up happening and its ramifications! Better since coming home and resuming "normalcy" and our routine. Getting progressively better, with the occasional incident to let me know I need to continue to evolve my parenting style.

To further complicate matters, we are facing an impending deployment for my husband. I am having a hard time with it, feeling very emotional and weepy, and really, truly, am almost heartbroken and afraid despite the fact this will be our 4th one. But it is the first one as a family with a child. And that element is GINORMOUS!!! She is sensing things are off and is clingy beyond description, right back to mommylove all. the. time. I understand, know it will pass, and am working hard to ensure I am meeting all of her needs (See? I am learning something after 3 years! Also see this post - making sure I hit all of them, although so much I want to write on that alone. Used this successfully in the marriage arena). We are taking the same approach with this as we did with the surgery - reading books about it, discussing feelings and talking about it matter-of-factly every day, actively doing projects, etc. But I am seeing the effects, and it is coming out in her behavior as well. I am trying to walk the fine line of empathy and gentleness, yet firmness with boundaries and limits (well I always am, but in this case particularly). Tonight was particularly rough. I am sure I will elaborate more as time draws near, but for now, keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

I am all over the map now, and getting increasingly tired. I truly hope this reads coherent because at this point I make no guarantees! SO MUCH going on, mostly good, but all this other background stuff, too. I thank you for allowing me to empty my head of some of the clutter! Any thoughts or insights are appreciated. And, as always, much more to come. Stay tuned!

Still Here

2010-04-26T00:32:00.000-04:00

Trying to return to normalcy after a month of chaos - some fun, some not so much. But getting back in the groove is proving to be a challenge. Lots to share when I have time to sit down and do it. My brain is on fire sometimes!

In the meantime, enjoy Life, Love, and just Spring in general! I feel so alive lately, how about you?

Unfinished

2010-04-05T00:14:00.000-04:00

In re-reading my posts, there is always something I want to expound on more in that magic time of "later". Seems I never get there. So, to my readers, I apologize for leaving you hanging. Someday, I only hope to get these things out of my already cluttered brain!

Trying times here, my dog had to have emergency spinal surgery right on the heels of my daughter's operation. He is doing well, but this threw a wrench into everything this week. Now I am recup-ing 2 patients! Challenging for even the best nurse.

Family was all home for Easter and it was absolutely LOVELY. Now I am off to bed to snuggle with my little Angel and her daddy. Goodnight!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T00:31:00.000-04:00

Hope your day is filled with Faith, Family, Feasting, and Fun! Celebrate this wonderful day of Joy and Promise!

He is Risen!

All is well

2010-03-30T23:43:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update that the surgery went well - my daughter was SO brave and never seemed afraid. All of our preparation really paid off. She was already drinking a ton and eating solid foods yesterday. For an actual update of the procedure, visit www.ourteammeyers.blogspot.com.

I have a post in my head about yesterday, but need to go to bed. Just wanted you all to know that my girl is back to her spitfire self. And that makes me very happy (and sometimes very frustrated! :) ). This has been much better than I anticipated. Thank you, God!

The Perfect Storm - a latenight unloading

2010-03-29T01:07:00.001-04:00

Okay, feeling a little less than spiritual lately. Well, I shouldn't even say that - I am feeling spiritual, just lacking time to say my rosary and that has me feeling bad because I did so well over Lent.

Anyways, last week my daughter was sick. Bad days and worse nights. I spent SO much time spinning my wheels and trying to find out information because she is scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning for a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. Making phone calls, touching base with my resources, doctor's appointment (no strep!), and paging on-call physicians all included.

This weekend was her actual birthday weekend (3rd and my thoughts on this later) and my mother flew in to be with us through the surgery and recovery period (I mentioned I am blessed with a great family, right?). Because of course, E is gone (not his fault, and was trying to get back, and didn't happen, but still I am essentially solo). We have had two wonderful days but Emmy is thrown off because of a) surgery, b) Gramma is in town, c) daddy is gone, d) it was her birthday and we are ALL off schedule and she has had great lee-way in the diet department, e) she is getting over being ill, or, more than likely, f) ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Goodness, was she a trial today. Defiant, moody, clingy, and hateful all rolled up in one cute-as-a-button little package.

So, I am trying to get all my ducks in a row before tomorrow at 0 dark 30. I thought I prepared her well. But, my "last minute" stops turned into all-out big productions. We did get to have our "Good-bye, Tonsils!" party though, so that was good. Nothing was on my schedule (see above paragraph). I tried to be flexible. But all sorts of having to rearrange my entire life - yet again - occurred! BOOOO.

On top of this, my mini-dachshund is hurt somehow and my first thought for once isn't, "how am I going to pay for this?", but "when am I going to find time to take him in?" (In case you don't know, our dogs are like our kids - but we don't sleep with them!) I at first thought it was his back, but now think it is his paw, so I feel safer in waiting. But it sucks watching him like that.

And just to add insult to injury, I am pre-menstrual. Really?!? Because that was the best plan? Oh well, that explains some of my thinking, mood, and behavior... (how do you spell on-edge and fried?!?)

Now, add in trying to get caught up on stuff and keeping my worry-wart hubby (who is out to sea) up to date. And my mom's phone (which she needs for business) isn't working, and her computer forgot the network key, and we can't find it to get her logged on. And I tweaked my shoulder pretty good. Geez!

I had been doing so well with my Lenten promise, but as of the last almost 2 weeks, I haven't made time to say my rosary. I have been up to unreasonable hours of the night working. Although I will add, that I feel on most days, God gave me something equally as enlightening or faith-filled - albeit a conversation, a connection, a friend. But this is Holy week and I am feeling horrible that after this (mostly) great LENT, I can't find the time or energy (I'm sure) to culminate appropriately into our feast day.

At church today, I got teary thinking about tomorrow. I am, understandably, a little nervous. My one friend has this weird ability to make me feel like crying (or actually do it) when I am least expecting it. I had a great chat with her today - really, she talked me down - but I was biting back the tears the whole time. She told me to take care of tomorrow, that was my goal above all else. And that this was my vocation - God's plan for me, and I had to follow that, and carve out the spiritual moments when I could. Wow! Pretty powerful stuff! (and I just found out that E, and both my parents, and I will all be together this weekend). Yay! I am an EXTREMELY blessed girl. St Anthony (patron Saint of lost items) came through for me twice this week, too.

Anyways, if you are they praying kind, I ask you to pray for my daughter and her speedy recovery. It is way too late and I am on my 3rd glass of wine! Off to bed soon as I am falling asleep as I am typing. And in re-reading this, despite my desperate attempts at sounding logical and coherent, I may have failed. I am all over the map. But that is an accurate picture of my essence right now.

BUT, God is with us, and will continue to be as we celebrate the Resurrection! Let me open my heart and mind to find him even in the most mundane of moments as I help recuperate my little lovey. After all, THIS is my calling. And if I screw this up, the rest means nothing.

Keep us in your prayers. Does wreck even describe how I am feeling?

Good for the Goose, but not the Gander?

2010-03-23T16:33:00.000-04:00

Given the current events and national news, politics seems to be on the tip of everyone's tongue. No matter on which side you fall, there are many strong feelings and words being exchanged. I am sure that many of you can determine my own standing with regards to politics. I am not interested in debating, I will leave that to others with much more knowledge and savvy than I possess. And the fact is, this is not a political forum, nor do I want it to be. There are many other places online for that. But being a place where I can empty my brain of all that rattles around in it, I wanted to share an observation.

Why is it when Bush was in office he was promoted as the devil incarnate or as Satan himself. There were moves to impeach him and many on the left assumed he was trying to destroy our country. And that was okay.

Well, now Obama is in office and suddenly any nay-sayers and those that promote him as having a socialist, communist agenda are being called intolerant, racist, and other horrible names. Religion is being questioned and prayer for change is being criticized. It is NOT okay to disagree with him according to those who were ready to impeach Bush.

I don't get it. (Isn't this what the Democrats did for 2 terms prior?) I have been reading vicious, snarling comments on Facebook and Twitter. Really people, we all have an opinion, and we are all entitled to it. We are NOT entitled to act like animals or savages, no matter who you voted into office or which party you belong to. Clearly, there are both honorable Democrats and Republicans, just as there are those who are an embarrassment to each party. And generalizations do no favors to anyone. Facts are what matter; unfortunately, each side twists them to fit their vision. I think we all can hold our own beliefs and stand up for them, while still respecting life and the dignity of fellow human beings.

Just had to get that out. I am done now. Carry on.

Praying

2010-03-22T00:48:00.000-04:00

I have some other posts rattling around up in the old noggin, but I am beat down tonight.

My baby just had her 3rd birthday party, which was fabulous and full of friends and laughter and life in general. We are so very blessed, but it has left us a bit exhausted. Also, her surgery is a week from tomorrow, and I feel like life just snuck up on me and I am just. not. ready! Not a good feeling.

Found out the Monsignor at our parish is leaving this summer - I can't even describe how heartbroken I felt when I heard that. I was almost one of the multitude of those shedding tears at Mass today.

As for the state of this country, well, suffice it to say I am afraid. Very very afraid. *shaking head in total disbelief*

It is an understatement to say that I need some quiet reflective time and PRAYER. All of a sudden everything feels like a house of cards. I am feeling very lost, unsure, and afraid right now. And I need to keep telling myself to TRUST. God has a plan, of that I know. But what does that mean for us right now?

Is this how the disciples felt when they knew they would be losing Jesus? When he died? I am sure they felt abandoned, alone, unsure, afraid, and lost. Yet, they went on, not sure of the plan. And they built the Church. The power of the Holy Spirit is a powerful thing, and I need a fill-up.

That's all I have for tonight.

I did it!

2010-03-16T23:59:00.000-04:00

Just a check in to announce two things:

1. I completed my BIG project! Woo Hoo! (now on to all the others waiting in the wings :) )

2. Officially hit 20.6 lb weight loss! That is SO motivating to keep going...

Hooray!

The other, meaningless sort of proclamation is the fact that I am completely thrown off-kilter by the time change. Can anyone explain to me how one measly hour can throw our entire schedule out of whack? My whole household is feeling it. Insane! Why do we even have this anymore? (I am done ranting now).

Inert

2010-03-13T17:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I am sure you have read about my current weight loss success with Weight Watchers. So far, I am down almost 20 lbs (19.8 to be exact) since January 4th. I am obviously really excited and happy about this - for many reasons - health, energy, self-esteem, etc. But also for my commitment - I am getting ready to surpass the point at which I usually give up on other programs (just watching my diet in general, Nutrisystem, etc) and I am about to pass the weight-loss limit I have achieved in the past. That is a great feeling! It is keeping me motivated and I actually look forward to Mondays for weigh-ins. Crazy, huh? This 20 lbs was the weight I gained after having a baby (?!?). Insane to me, since I am the breastfeeding queen. Oh well, I guess that research study didn't apply to me. Another 5 lbs and I will be at pre-pregnancy weight. And downward from there. I am feeling wonderful and in control for the first time in a long time. I am not hungry on the program as it is so flexible. This has truly become a lifestyle change for me.

With all this weight loss, I really really need to start exercising! It is sad because I think of exercising all the time! And I genuinely want to, until the rare occasion that I actually have time to do it. Then every excuse in the world comes up. I know how good I feel when I do it, and I have my favorite work-out right on DVD - no special equipment necessary. I don't even have to go anywhere. But why, then, is it so hard to hit play?

I think this is much like making a lifestyle change with regards to eating, once you get started, you gather momentum, and then it is easier and easier to keep going. I just need to get going. I am telling myself I didn't want to overwhelm myself with too many changes at once. But now that I am well established in my eating program, it is time to get moving - literally! I want to tone up, swimsuit season is just around the corner. And the weather is becoming so much nicer so I can even get out and just walk, which I love to do. And if it is raining, there is always the DVD player and the Wii. My body has almost been craving movement - now its time to get out of my head and get in to action!!!

** I took a break during the writing of this post to take my daughter on a walk as we got a reprieve from some afternoon thundershowers. We went "hiking" in the arboretum near our home. What a feast for the senses! The smell of the leaves, wet earth, and the wood chips beneath our feet. The sounds of multitudes of birds singing their praises, squirrels scampering in the bushes, and the rushing of a waterfall (all of this over the noise of her squeaky shoes). The sight of a bright red cardinal, the play of light as the sun dapples the trees and the path, and the juxtaposition of the dead branches and new growth of leaves. The feel of the breeze against our skin, the sun on our faces, and the sweat from carrying her half-way home (luckily it was too early to feel the bugs). So although it wasn't necessarily for exercise, we had a great time just talking, being together, and noticing all of the glory of God's creation! **

Pruning and Patience

2010-03-11T23:17:00.002-05:00

Spring finally feels as if it's arrived. Wow! What a reawakening from the dormancy of winter. I feel rejuvenated in a way that I haven't felt since Autumn. It is like I have come alive - there is just an energy that I am feeling right now. This makes me very happy. My poor brain is on overdrive!

I was pondering this during some alone, quiet time in the car today. Thinking about all the wonderful, exciting changes that are coming about in all aspects of my life. Everything seems to be falling into place and I am finally seeing some of the fruits of my labors. Although new projects and ideas keep finding me - I am so inspired lately. What really struck me was that a lot of what is now coming to fruition are things for which I have been striving for quite some time now. I used to spend a lot of time and energy "spinning my wheels" yet getting nowhere. I felt frustrated, stagnant, and pulled in so many directions that I couldn't find one direct path. Unsure. Anxious. Done.

And then it hit me. It was because I was trying to handle my own affairs instead of turning them over to God. He has a plan for me, and I was not checking in with Him. I was trying to forge my own path. Amazing how when I started relying on Him and trusting in Him how things seem to fall right into place. Not that prayer and faith absolve me of any responsibility, or that it is even magical for that matter. Quite the opposite, really. God created me, and he bestowed upon me many gifts for me to use in service to Him. And with the assistance of the Holy Spirit, my gifts become magnified. When I am aligned with Him, and seek Him in all matters, my path becomes clear - even if it looks different than I initially envisioned. When I branch out on my own accord, it is no wonder the path is strewn with thorns and rocks. This is one of those times in my life that I feel like the path has been laid before me wide open, and I am praying and talking to God constantly to see if this is indeed so. Mind you, nothing is handed to me - I am working very hard, but it is in a whole new light, not such a struggle. The doors that I had been banging my head against are all coming open. Ideas that have been fluttering on the edge of my consciousness are now forming into realities. Things that have been so elusive to me are now concrete realities. And the glory goes to God. I pray every day that people may see the face of Jesus in their encounters with me and that I may radiate His light.

Here at home, we are looking forward to a landscaper coming in and helping us prune and fix-up our embarrassingly neglected yard - which has so much potential to be beautiful. We mow the lawn and keep it "maintained", but sadly have let so much of it fall into disrepair (the nature, not the house). I have tried to add some plants to it to help spruce it up. All of my efforts were okay, but didn't get to the underlying matter. We needed to take the old, dead parts of the plants and remove them. We need to cut them back so they can grow bigger and fuller. All the while continuing to water and feed them.

Isn't this just like our relationship with God? So many times we just insist on it being our way, and our efforts eventually end up in vain. Sometimes we add things to our lives to "fill in" or "spruce things up", but that is essentially (pardon the crude expression) polishing a turd. We avoid the real issue of the work and landscaping we need to do on us - to allow God to do on us. We need to prune ourselves and remove those old, dead parts, and be cut back. It is not to destroy us or to "put us in our place" or punish - it is so we may grow bigger and fuller and richer lives in Him. From the death and dormancy of Winter, comes alive and jubilant Spring.

This fall and winter I have gone through my pruning. It started with some weeding in my marriage. I then left my job, and with it stayed behind a ton of frustration, negativity, and angst that I am only now starting to realize isn't there. And it is wonderful. This winter, my brain still a-buzz with ideas, I experienced a dormant period with no real action or movement. Status quo. But now things are coming to fruition - the fear, negativity, failure, resentment, anger, etc that I had been feeling for so long (without really noticing it, they kind of took up residence) have been removed. I have placed my trust in God over and over, and told Him my life was His to do with what He will. And it is not always easy, sometimes it is downright hard to just get out of your own way. It is human nature to try to dwell, second guess, and try to control. Trust and patience are some things I constantly need to work on. But when I do...OH when I do, I see results. God had cut me back so I could grow into something bigger and better and richer. And again, to Him be the glory. Watch out world, I am blooming!

Today is the halfway point of Lent, between Ash Wednesday and Easter. I am proud to say I have been keeping my Lenten promises for the most part. I have been abstaining from wine during the week, and some days, oh how I miss it. Especially on days like today when Emmy doesn't nap and the lovely day I had seems to go to crap. But, Jesus, I love you more! I have also been saying my rosary (just about) every day. I have missed a few times due to a sick child, me not feeling well, or substituting it with something equally as reflective (this blog post which is turning into a novel). And honestly, I am relishing this Lent. I am making time for my devotions (3 times a day) and really trying to talk to God throughout the day about everything. Obviously some days are better than others. And I have had my share of bad days. But, overall, I really feel a difference and the alignment for which I was searching. The proof is in the pudding - things that I have been waiting to accomplish are suddenly coming together. I am excited to continue my Lenten journey, keeping Holy the ordinary that is my life and journey. And I certainly can't wait to celebrate the blossoming of Easter. Pruning. And patience.

[ So what are all these great and wonderful changes to which I am referring? Well, they are a bunch of random things that range from totally ordinary and boring to new and exciting. Here they are in no particular order:

I have lost almost 20 lbs on Weight Watchers since the beginning of January. Loving the program and super excited to keep making progress!

My husband and I are FINALLY getting our house *done* the way we want it - after almost 2 years. It's a good feeling!

We are working as a team and communicating and loving in such a wonderful way!

Getting the yard taken care of! It is a total shame the state of disrepair we have allowed!

Professionally I feel I am on the verge of some exciting things - I have just made myself an LLC and am now officially a small business owner. I am working on a website now that I have a clear direction in which I am moving. I have a TON of work to do with form creation, website design, writing a mission statement/philosophy, creating a class curriculum, etc. FUN STUFF :) I also am working on the Parish Nurse Ministry at my church and have a newsletter to write. We are in contract negotiations for another project that will be HUGE for me professionally if it all works out, but will require an immense amount of time and dedication to complete. And, AND, I am just about done with my other project - the tail end (was hoping to finish up this afternoon, but alas! it didn't happen. I did get other things done though, so it was still productive time!) As you can see, my to-do list is ever expanding. And I LOVE it.

With regards to parenting, here is another topic I could write a novel on (and someday will formulate the post rattling around in my head). But I feel like we are coming out of a disequilibrium phase and into equilibrium for a while (I hope!). My patience isn't always up to par, but I suspect that has to do with all these other factors. There have been some changes I have wanted to make and I am implementing them, some slowly, some more abruptly. But I am happy with them and feel they are positive - and being proactive makes me feel positive! *more coming on this someday*

Some of my relationships have been put on the back burner as I navigate through this journey of my ordinary, busy, everyday life. There is only so much time in the day, no matter how much faith you have :) But I am blessed with the most wonderful, understanding friends and family. When I can only talk for a few minutes, we maximize and enjoy every second.

Personally, I just feel like I am in a really good place now. Lots of room for improvement, but am in control as I am taking positive steps toward my own health and well-being in all aspects! Rejoice in the Lord Always!]

Last Push

2010-03-07T20:03:00.003-05:00

I am GOING to finish my project this week, come hell or high water. Everyone who is the praying kind, please send a few off for me, as my life really needs to move on. I have other fish frying in the pan to which I need to attend. Plus, I have some posts rolling around in that noggin of mine that I would love to type out!

Here I go!

Busy doing....?

2010-03-06T23:07:00.000-05:00

Nothing?!? Not sure what I have been doing lately, but the days are flying by (too fast) and I look back and wonder, "What exactly did I do or accomplish today?" I have been feeling neglectful of pretty much everything lately, so I hope to get a handle on it soon!!! Overall doing pretty well, just need to work on the discipline of self more, in pretty much all aspects. LOTS going on in my brain. Just wish it translated into more action. My life story.

[sigh] Going to bed now, and praying for a fresh start tomorrow!

For a chuckle...

2010-02-28T07:25:00.002-05:00

marriedtothesea.com

Changing the world, one kid at a time...

2010-02-26T10:01:00.001-05:00

Here is MY baby, growing up and learning to nurture for future generations!

Nursing her babydoll, Buzz Baby:

And here she is babywearing. She calls the Ergo my backpack, so I guess she just assumed her backpack would double as a baby carrier. Definitely need to work on her form for safety reasons, though!

Her Mommy's heart is so proud!

A walk down memory lane...

2010-02-24T22:59:00.000-05:00

I will start by saying that I should be in bed now as I am so tired from having been up late-ish the last couple nights, and then getting up early the next day. But, it felt so good to post something REAL the other night, so I am going to roll with it.

I was looking through my blog archives the other day and reading my posts from when I first started this site. Wow! I actually had some good stuff there (it shocked me). Totally forgot about some of those sleep regressions, teething, etc. It's nice I have it down for posterity. Plus, the postings are about real topics related to motherhood, personal stuff, work, etc, and my feelings and emotions regarding them. For so long, it just seems I have been maintaining a space with no substance. And I liked posting again the other night, and I think it is a good way for me to process things and clear my head/heart. Again, it is always the first to go when time is crunched (as it is lately), but that is probably the time I need it the most!!!.

My biggest challenge as of late has been parenting and discipline. This I am SURE is normal, everyday, run-of-the mill stuff for any parent of an almost 3 yo. I am trying to refill my toolbox and have been reading other blogs and parenting tips from places I respect. In fact, I have some notes made for a post connecting a bunch of ideas I have been reading. Very interesting stuff, it will just take me awhile to write.

Today was just awful and I am so glad it was over. For the record, I did NOT win the Mother-of-the-year award. Didn't do a great job and I was not really impressed with myself at ALL. We did have some good moments, but they were surrounded by such crap. So, a good post would be perfect for me to undertake as it might help me see things from another perspective - which I really think is the beginning So, coming soon - my observations on this crazy life with an almost 3 year old!.

Have been praying my Rosary and until today have been feeling so peaceful and thinking "It worked, It worked!" But, then along came Wednesday. I did say the Rosary again tonight though, just as promised.

As I am comfortably typing in my recliner, by body is shutting down and I keep falling asleep! [please excuse any errors] This is my cue, time to bid you all farewell. A tired me does not a good mommy make. And Lord knows, I need all the help I can get! Good night!!!

Lenten Reflections

2010-02-22T22:51:00.003-05:00

Lent is 6 days underway as of today. After missing Mass on Ash Wednesday due to a late time and a napless child, I felt I didn't really get off to such a great start. I had thoughtfully planned on saying a Rosary every day to lead me closer to God during this time. However, that didn't quite work out for me either. In conversations with my husband, who gave up chocolate, we discussed me giving up wine (YIKES!?!). My point is, that even though I thought I had considered what I was going to do to prepare myself for Easter, I was still confused and not living up to my own expectations, let alone God's. Although it was very much on my mind.

Last year was a "lost and found" year for me spiritually. In the beginning, I had been, for the most part, a non-participant in my church, my faith, and my spirituality. I was going through the motions, nothing resonated with me. Then I just stopped all-together. Things were tense at home: husband with a stressful job and long hours, me trying to juggle a new "career" and being basically a single parent to our 2 year old daughter. I was really starting to feel like not only was I losing my faith, I was losing myself as well. Eventually the stress wore me down and I sought personal counseling with a Christian counselor I was referred to by a good friend. I truly believe that through her guidance I was gently (and at times, not-so gently) led back to the right path, the path leading to the Lord. It was during many periods of contemplation between sessions, conversations with good friends with whom I could confide, and just returning back to my parish home that I started to feel like I was heading in the right direction. I was Found, and heading toward Home, much like the prodigal Son. Things didn't immediately get better, they got immensely worse. But in further study and prayer, I have come to see how the brokenness was necessary to make me (and my spouse) more open to God and our heritage. People say, "Everything happens for a reason." And I do think that is true, but it wasn't that God allowed any hardship to befall me. We, as humans, are both blessed and cursed with free will. God allows things to happen as a consequence of our choices - he is not some puppeteer pulling the strings. This period of brokenness allowed me to be more receptive and perceive my relationships (with my daughter, my husband, my family, my God) in a whole new way. We have come through the other side. Not without much work, mind you - but we both chose to forgive and to love. When it could've been so easy to walk away, we chose love, therefore we chose God - for God IS love. My husband and I are bound together tighter than we have ever been in our entire relationship, and the glue is God. We have truly let Christ into our marriage and our lives, and He has changed our hearts. We can't believe how our whole way of being has been transformed and just how happy we truly are! What a difference!

But, being a child of the flesh, as time goes on and things become status quo, we grow complacent. I DO NOT want to only need my Savior when I need saving. I want that depth and intensity of the relationship I had with God when I was feeling desperate. Perfect timing with Lent.

The best Lent I ever had was when I was deployed to Kuwait with the Marines in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom about 7 years ago (has it really been that long?). Stationed with our company was a Franciscan Monk (funny to see him in cammies one day and his robes the next) with whom I became very close. I attended a very intimate daily Mass in his tent with about 6 other military members. I sang in the church choir, and we even traveled around to other camps to share in song. I said the rosary most mornings with other Catholic officers before chow. When Lent came, he really made a great analogy of us living in the austere desert and the desert experience within each one of us. His homilies spoke to me and it was just amazingly powerful to consider that we were living in the very sands of the land that Jesus walked. We did a walking Stations of the Cross around the perimeter of the camp with a homemade cross that was about 6 feet tall and very heavy; we each took turns carrying it. In spite of our surroundings and living conditions, Easter was a joyous celebration of the Resurrection!

WOW! I still get chills thinking of that, and how I was so sure I would hold onto that emotion. Boy, was I wrong. Enter back into civilization, with all of our "necessary" luxuries and niceties, and that feeling slowly evaporated. Only this year, I have really and truly seen how these things which are so valuable and prized by us, can simply serve as distractions to our real purpose.

Anyways, here I am, at the beginning of Lent for this year really wanting to get myself aligned with God and really delve deeper into a relationship with Him. So I came up with the idea of saying the Rosary every day, especially after reading this article on Spiritual Sloth. Then it didn't happen because life otherwise intervened. So I told my husband that I didn't think that would work, I should probably give something up. I had initially thought of Facebook, but I use that professionally and there is no real way to make a distinction. E suggested wine - WTH?!? - I looked at him like he had 3 heads, all the while knowing if it was causing me this much resistance and discomfort, that it is indeed what I should give up. Because it is, after all, about sacrifice and focusing on what Jesus did to save humanity. I pondered this as I continued to sip my daily imbibement. [for those concerned, I am only talking about 1 to 2 glasses a night.]

So, fast forward now to Sunday, 5 days after Lent began and I am in no better position than I was before. In fact, I was feeling pretty low. I kept turning over the "perfect plan" for Lent, even as we headed to Mass. After mass, we struck up a conversation with some new friends while our girls played at the park on Church property. She and I discussed pretty much what I have written here. And, as per my norm, through this discussion I felt like I found my answer. I really saw that the Rosary was the way to go. So, even though I got a late start, I was going to do this and she was going to be my accountability buddy. Perfect. (btw, this friend is an incredible example to me of being a wife, mother, and Catholic - even though our relationship is new, I really respect her and look up to her as a wonderful example). She told me about the Rosary of the Seven Sorrows, and said that it was an immensely powerful prayer. We went to lunch after this meeting and they ran home to get cash. When they arrived, she showed me the rosary beads. I was really astounded by how, as a mother, the Seven Sorrows really resonated with me in a way I don't think I could have appreciated before having my own child. Then she gave me the beads to keep. I was SO touched and filled with gratitude. And I felt like God and I were aligning. What a gift! I really can't say enough about our whole day on Sunday, especially about our time with our new friends. I was so happy and felt so FULL in the car on the way home (and not from lunch!) that I was leaking out of my eyes!!! And I got started and prayed that Rosary last night, and it felt right. It is exactly what I need - to be off the computer, focused on God (not just in snippets like my devotions), and have total alone time with Him.

Well, today I continued to ponder my Lenten journey and do think I need the element of sacrifice as well. I thought about how MUCH I had, in every way, and that is should be enough. But like most Americans, it rarely is, and I am always "needing" something new. Can I ever be satisfied? Funny how, when stripped of all my luxuries (and even some necessities) in the desert, I not only survived, but thrived; yet here I am almost spiritually anemic. My new friend also gave up chocolate. She is a self-described chocoholic and said when she is tempted or craving it, she stops herself and says, "Jesus, I love you more." Amazingly powerful. When she said that, it started the old wheels turning. So, although I can't (and won't) physically put myself in the desert, I can create the desert experience in me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I am going to refrain from buying anything new (unless it is an absolutely useful item, such as food and face wash. Handbags and lipgloss DO NOT count). I am going to focus on honing my discipline toward my weight-loss (am doing Weight Watchers now and LOVING it - down almost 15 lbs!). After all, God gave us our body, and I am choosing to treat it with love and respect - and that means feeding it nutritious food, and moving it pretty regularly. As for the wine, well, I am giving it up during the week, and can have a glass or two on weekends. Probably best for me health-wise and weight-loss wise anyways, but I am sure going to miss it. Jesus, I love you MORE!

Another aspect is that it is not about perfection, I can still have a Holy Lent as long as I am consistently mindful of what it is I am doing and WHY. If I mess up on accident, or through weakness, I need to confess to God and keep on walking on that path toward Him.

Now, I have Rosary to say.

[I know the subject of religion can make some cringe, especially enthusiastic posts which resemble the likes of "Holy Rollers". However, I do invite you to share in my personal journey as spirituality is the canvas of which we are all painted. I am a Roman Catholic, but respect the differing viewpoints of other faiths/ways. This is simply my path. Please come along with me, if only as an observer.]

New Appearance - Again!

2010-02-21T18:04:00.001-05:00

I know, I am never quite contented with how this blog looks. I am going to be in the process of revamping it, hopefully with a renewed commitment to getting those posts out of my head (or scribbled on scraps of paper in my calendar) and actually onto the blog. I need to create something just for me personally. I have sites professionally and for the family, but I want a space that's all mine. And I have it, but like a typical mother, that goes off to the wayside while I concentrate on everything but. *sighs*

So, for now, this is how the blog looks. Any feedback? We will see, maybe I just need to change it up as frequently as I do my handbags! (which, sadly, is quite often).

Lots to share, but for now, I need to wake a sleeping baby for dinner so she can go to bed tonight! Looks like little adult time this evening. *again, sighs*

I hope you all are having as blessed a Sunday as I am!

The Octotoddler

2010-01-29T07:23:00.004-05:00

nataliedee.com

For all the moms of small children out there, I think we can relate!

Busy Busy Busy

2010-01-23T19:34:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, what's new, right? Have lots to update about, but that would even further my procrastination and not help me with productivity. Coming soon, I promise. Very very exciting changes in the life of OneHappyCow!

Anyways, I also wanted to make some observations about my daughter's development. However, caramama has pretty much nailed it on the head with this post (the Go Away, and Leave Me Alone) and this one (being scared, too spicy, and when we get little). I have always read her blog vigorously nodding my head, because I swear we have the same kid. So, read her posts and you will pretty much be updated with what is happening here. A side note: I think my child has a sheet of music running through her head, or at least random floating notes! She lives her life in a musical and constantly sings about everything. It is quite amusing, especially when she sounds like she is on American Idol! The other funny thing is the names of her babies. I have a list on Facebook that I will post sometime because it is entirely too hilarious. (Facebook is probably the reason I am not posting so much, easier to do in snippets, you know?)

One of my resolutions is to be better about posting. I have all sorts of fabulous ones in my head. Unfortunately, by the time I make it to the computer, they are gone or life otherwise intervenes. Oh well. I can only go up from here, right?

March for Babies 2010

2010-01-23T13:25:00.003-05:00

One day all babies will be born healthy, until that day - we march for babies!

I created a Team BestMilk Bistro to walk in March of Dimes' fundraiser, March for Babies. It is Sunday, April 25th, another 5 miler! For the third year in a row, Emily and I will be marching for the babies. The first year we walked as a family with Eric, in Rhode Island. Last year, Grampa Jim joined us in Virginia. I have walked wearing my daughter and with her in the stroller! She loves it! So, come on out and join us! If you can't walk for whatever reason, please consider sponsoring us - every donation counts!

Personally I do this because I was fortunate enough to have a happy, healthy little girl. Not everyone is that lucky.

If you are interested, there is a button to the right of this post. Thank you in advance for any and all contributions - together we can change the world!

Happy 2010!!!

2010-01-01T00:52:00.000-05:00

I am so ready for 2009 to be done with. It is a year of much change - bad and good. But I am ready for the fresh start and will hopefully be posting my reflections here soon. Until then, Happy New Year, everyone! Be safe, healthy, and Blessed!

Free at Last

2009-10-23T15:45:00.000-04:00

So, a couple posts ago I eluded to the fact that I was making some positive changes. And I still am! They involve purging my life of negativity and anxiety.

First, I am working on my ongoing mental "To-Do" List that has been plaguing me since I moved in last year. My office is the priority right now, and I have been steadily chipping away at it. Almost there! Funny thing is, once I started working on that, I keep finding other things to do, making me seriously question when and if I will ever be "Done". Have some other reorganizational things in mind as well, especially in regards to a certain two-year old's toys! When I have the time to work on it though, sans child, it seems other "Life" gets in the way. It is always something, but at least I am still being productive, right?

Second, I left my job recently. This is not a huge hit to the belt as it was more of a hobby and for professional development than an actual income. Although I loved working with my clients, being affiliated with that organization was fraught with frustration, negativity, anxiety, and anger. I definitely overstayed my season there. And I lost something that was my creation and they are reaping benefits of my hard work and ideas. I was going to blog about my experience, but feel it would "stir the pot" so I will just say it didn't go as I planned and leaving was under less-than-desirable circumstances. I felt bad about it for awhile, even though I was not at fault, but am pretty much over it. It is finally sinking in that I am free, held back by nothing other than my own boundaries. And that feels pretty damn good!

Not one to be held down, my brain began churning and wouldn't stop until I had something of my "own" again. I created another breastfeeding support group, BestMilk Bistro. Most of my moms have stayed with me, which is nice. Because after 9 months, you become a little attached to them. I have watched their children grow up and reach milestones right in front of my eyes! I get no money for this, only the satisfaction that I enjoy what I do and I am good at it. And that is payment enough. It is my personal ministry and something I am passionate about - educating and helping new mothers navigate the breastfeeding relationship and building support and community for them. How great is that?!?

Here is my new logo:

What do you think?

As for my other plans, I have some ideas for down the road. I am finishing up a teaching/research project right now and hope to start working again in that field. And to start bringing in some much needed income. But, first things first. I am getting my life together and right now I feel I am on a really good path. I have been very blessed and finally feel I am heading in the right direction! Alleluia!

Minivan Mama

2009-10-16T15:15:00.001-04:00

Well, we did it. Caved like the thousands of other parents before us, and we got ourselves a minivan. A 2010 Honda Odyssey EX-L to be exact. Now, I shouldn't sound like this is a bad thing, we are absolutely thrilled with our new car. While we were waiting on it, we were both so excited. Now that we own it, we love it even more. The room! The comfort! The DVD player! We can fit dogs, kids, and other people besides us! Our Volvo XC70 was great - if we weren't military, didn't have pets, and lived around family. We have happily moved on.

The monkey loves her new van and the fact you can watch a movie in it, although I did tell her it only works on far road trips so she doesn't expect it all the time. Even my husband is beyond happy with it, and is content to let me chauffer him in "Mom's taxi".

I am so glad that we made this decision, and for all my SUV driving friends, I see NOTHING wrong with driving my minivan and I do it proudly :)

The Great Pumpkin Obsession

2009-10-15T10:14:00.000-04:00

has officially begun! Every fall, my sister and I dive head-first into our love of all things pumpkin. So far, it is pumpkin butter, pumpkin beer, pumpkin coffee, and I even bought some pumpkin yogurt. Also included are any bakery items like pumpkin muffins, scones, or bread. I have several gourds and pumpkins adorning my house as well. Yummy! I love this time of year!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2009-10-15T08:21:00.004-04:00

It's October! Feel your boobies!

Positive Changes

2009-09-29T11:12:00.000-04:00

Have some changes coming soon, which I will "announce" when appropriate. Perfect time of year for it too, fall is always so renewing and is WAY more motivating than spring to me, for some reason. I associate it with a fresh start.

"When old patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." ~ Tuli Kupferberg

In the meantime, check out this article on Seeking, the brain science behind all this electronic media. Time to stop the madness? Goodness, it rings so true, and that is frightening. Thoughts?

I'm Back!

2009-09-23T22:43:00.000-04:00

With a new look and everything! Check me out! Anyways, life has been a little on the crazy side and pretty much everything took a back seat except survival and my kid. I am coming out of the other side; into the light, people, into the light! (I do not suffer from depression, folks, just some series of events that have kept a sister down, I tell ya!) But, I am feeling positive and much more like myself - still have all the crap I was supposed to do a year ago, but at least I feel like me, right? Have been productive and just have to keep that train moving. Look, I am blogging again, that's a step in the right direction!

Anyways, I am now the proud proud mommy of an extremely precocious 2 and a half year old whose command of the English language continues to astound me. Her vocabulary, comprehension, and application skills are just wildly amazing. Seriously my husband and I scratch our heads and just look at each other every night. Like, where did she come from? Or, where did she learn that? She can hear something once and apply it correctly in a sentence a week later. Crazy stuff! And the stories she tells now. And her inflections and cute mannerisms. It is all too much. Nevermind she is just. too. funny! Every day I laugh out loud at her. This age is fabulous and I am so grateful to be her mommy every single day. Alright, I know I am gushing, but I am absolutely, positively in love with my smarty-pants, cutie-patootie little angel!

We only nurse now during the morning and at night and she naps on her own (albeit very short), but still, ON HER OWN!!! This was a major victory for me, and for her. She has done quite well. I told her my breasts were empty during the day and they only filled up at night and in the morning. She talks about my breasts all the time, as we now bathe together regularly, and we have some pretty comical discussions.

Potty has taken a back seat and will probably start that up here soon. Eating has been better and we are off the nugget and french fry phase (oh thank you, Lord!). If I never see another chicken nugget it will be too soon! Still waiting on the last 4 molars to pop, who knows how long those will take.

Her and I started music again for the Fall semester. Did you hear that, Fall semester. It is FALL, people! My season of renewal - I am so happy! I have decorated the house and am SO inspired to get things done and be productive. I LOVE to cook in the fall and do fall-ish stuff - pumpkin patches, football games, festivals, etc.

Have started seeing some clients again and my support group is going well. Have my hand in some teaching projects. Have so many other plans.

Eric and I are all about reconnecting after all the prolonged absences we have faced this year. It has been fabulous, we are having so much fun. Just like dating again! Have so many fun plans, and can't wait to get to them.

Lost 20 lbs on Nutrisystem and have been off for awhile. I need to get back on track with the exercise and eating routine. Hoping to get there soon.

I think I covered everything. Just know that I am so thankful to God for all my many blessings and I live every day with a heart full of gratitude. I am LOVING life right now and just want to soak it all in...

Horrible Updater

2009-05-05T00:00:00.002-04:00

I know I am the worst blogger. The crazy thing is, I always have something going on in my brain to write or update or share, but I never actually get around to doing it, and therefore it becomes lost in my grey matter. I will get around here soon, life is simply been a little crazy. Blah blah blah, same old same old, blah blah, promises promises. Be back soon - (but just in case, don't hold your breath!)

Because it's so fitting...

2009-05-04T23:58:00.004-04:00

You knew I just had to!

image by Natalie Dee

My Daughter's Latest Craze

2009-05-04T23:26:00.007-04:00

Ah, the joys of having a finicky 2 year old! She actually will eat it with the spoon.

image by natalie dee

Skinny Tuesday

2009-02-24T22:07:00.002-05:00

In an effort for self-improvement this Lenten season, I am embarking on a life changing journey. I am fed up with being BIG and lazy! So, I have started Nutrisystem because clearly nothing I was doing was working. I feel very excited about the program and like the idea of prepared, prepackaged food that I don't have to think about. I am very committed to doing this and be successful, it is an awful lot of money to throw away! Two of my friends have had success with this so I know the program can work. It adds the element of discipline to my life while making it virtually easy to eat right. There is no question about what to eat or not eat, and you add in fruits, vegetables, protein, and fats to balance out. I don't have to count points, carbs, or figure out anything - just a little measuring to see what a true "serving" is. Today was day one and it went really well. Not hungry and I felt satisfied and actually enjoyed what I ate.

So I know that it is typically Fat Tuesday, but for 2 reasons I changed the name. 1)Putting a positive spin on my official start date, and 2) went out last night to indulge (and have been pretty good all last week) before I began this change, so yesterday was Fat Monday! Now, I apologize if this post is a little off, but I was out until 2 am (closed 2 places!) and for a thirty-something mom of a toddler, that is virtually unheard of! So, I am a little tired today to say the least. And it was a busy day. But I started and already feel lighter - in my head, I am sure, but I will take it!

I am working on an exercise challenge (starting Monday) and other various self-improvement activities (flossing, taking supplements faithfully, skin brushing, going to bed at a decent hour, etc) throughout the period of Lent. Also some parenting stuff because I found that I have strayed a little too far off center in ways that I feel are important. Ever since I traveled home last fall, I have not been able to get it together and that is my goal. When I came home it was the holidays, company has come once or twice, I have battled a 2 month plus sinus infection, teething toddler, and work stuff. I took a backseat, and thus, my body, my self-esteem, my self has suffered. During Lent, I want to take the time to establish some good habits to carry me through for after. A sort of stepping stone, per se. I look at it as God gave me this person so I better take good care of it! You know, your body is a temple and "be all you can be" and all that jazz.

I am doing this with a good friend, and so far everyone else has almost shocked me with their support. I expected it, but it feels so good to be so lifted up and encouraged. There is an element of craziness of the Nutrisystem thing to me, and also some embarrassment. Why couldn't I do it on my own? Well, I clearly could not, and want to take drastic measures so I can meet my goals. I need something this drastic for me to stick with it. A shock to my system to retrain me in the eating arena. As for the other goals, as well as this, I will elaborate more as I continue down this path I am sure.

I did not tell my family and am trying to time a visit home after results are noticible and I feel firmly entrenched and comfortable in the program. I have given up drinking for at least this month because I want to see just how well the program works if you follow it to the letter. I will tell my family, but I kind of wanted to surprise them and "show" them it works without too much "insight" on their part.

Prior to this, I have been living a life of indulgence - lunches out with drinks, dinners, more drinks, good food, etc. Going to all my favorites one last time (3 times over in some cases!). I know that supposedly diets are bad because it leads to all this binging beforehand, but I really think there was an upside - I can feel the effects on my body and don't like it! I am burned out on it all really and sooo ready to leap forward into this program.

Again, I will analyze the program more, my progress toward all the goals, and other insights as I go through. But my eyes are closing and I NEED the bed right now. But in summary, on this Skinny Tuesday, I start the journey of positive changes of my lifestyle. Here I go, I am on my weigh...

Because I can't get rid of the crud...

2009-02-17T22:53:00.004-05:00

And I thought this is hilarious!

image by natalie dee

Time for a Change

2009-02-17T22:44:00.003-05:00

What do you all think of the new layout? I was pouring over templates, and there are some pretty cool ones out there. But nothing that really "matched" my theme. So I went with simple, basic, and clean. I'm interested to hear your thoughts...

Do I even still have any readers?

2009-02-16T22:07:00.002-05:00

To the 2 or 3 people who actually read this blog, I apologize sincerely for dropping off the face of the earth! I know that my musings and ramblings on cyberspace were sorely missed :) I have no real reason other than a whole host of events such as travel, holidays, company, work, an almost 2 month sinus infection, general craziness, oh, and did I mention I have a toddler? In other words, life happened.

Lately I have felt, moreso than usual, that I have no time. And when I do, I am tired and uninspired. I only skim the blogs I normally read over and comment on, forget message boards and communities, and my kid's blog is also sorely neglected. Other than a Facebook addiction, I barely respond to emails. I still have some sitting in an inbox waiting to be answered from some time ago. How horrible! And so so not me! It was a resolution of mine to get better with all of this and attempt some sort of internet time management thing, but since my other resolutions of diet and exercise (I know I know!) never quite got off the ground, suffice it to say I am not surprised to be posting this mid-February!

I will be back, I promise. At this point, all the stuff I had to say previously has changed or left my head completely. But don't you worry, internet, I have a whole host of new things to discuss! Until then, take care of yourselves and stay healthy and safe!

Such is life...

2008-12-18T01:32:00.001-05:00

My sissa summarized the craziness quite well. More details to come when I can have a minute to sit still and focus...

Random thoughts and just checking in...

2008-11-21T22:40:00.006-05:00

So, this week has been hectic, but okay overall. Things of note:

Moxie's cafepress store is up (NEED me a mug and a bumper sticker and a tee and just maybe even a hoodie or a onesie)!
Found a "staff" sitter - our go-to person when we are in need. Woo hoo!
Seem to be improving in the sleep arena, now if we could work on generalized fussiness...
Wondering if I am getting a head cold or have somehow developed allergies?
Frustrated already with ship life and even more so because I know HE is frustrated probably worse than me.
Feeling like I have no time to accomplish it all - cleaning, organizing, decorating, exercising, etc. Why does it feel like even though I cross things off my list, it never gets smaller because there is always something to be added? This is crazy making!
Preparing for a big trip "home" to see the fam for 10 days - driving BY MYSELF with the baby and 2 dogs. Fully prepared for this to be a "bad movie" - just steeling myself for the worst and hoping for the best. Also, sleep calming down just in time to eff it all up again. Trying to just not think, as this tactic seems to work quite well for me.
Have some big decisions to make regarding work which is awkward and never fun. Enough said.
Feeling as if the life is literally being sucked out of my by my toddler, and yet somehow, it is still NEVER enough for her. It's not that bad overall, but there are moments where I feel all dried up (and NO I am not talking about nursing!).
Wanting to decorate this weekend and wondering if that is wise considering the state my house is in and how low my energy can be.
Aggravated with myself over the abysmal week with exercise and skin brushing. Eating my veggies and supplements and water, but still. I was feeling so good and seeing change and then I just came to a screeching halt. I have motivation and intent, however it is time I am short on since I am limited to working out at night (and I don't think it would be effective with baby screech monkey plastered to my leg). Past 9 pm and it is way too late, I am sorry! So I need to get moving! Need to keep up my positive momentum.
Did I mention I need money?

Anyways, I think that is all that is rattling around in my head for now. What's plaguing you? It helps to clear the air sometimes to sort yourself out, especially before the added craziness (albeit good, most of the time) of the holiday season. Ho Ho Ho!

Buy Advil

2008-11-16T23:31:00.004-05:00

WTF? I truly have no idea what people were thinking when they made this ad. Who were they tapping into? It upsets me on so many levels. Even the some of the commenters are just plain ignorant. I am too tired to write, but thank God Moxie summed it all up quite nicely. Thanks a million, Motrin. Whatever! You most certainly do NOT feel my pain!

Freedom is not Free

2008-11-10T22:58:00.006-05:00

From one vet to another, many heartfelt thanks to all who serve, or have served our country! My family deeply appreciates all that you do and sacrifice in order to protect all that we hold dear. Let us all take a moment today express our gratitude to those who continue to defend our liberty, and a moment of remembrance for those who made the ultimate sacrifice out of love for this great nation. One nation, under God, indivisble, with Liberty and Justice for all...

My poor Monkey when she is older...

2008-11-05T19:36:00.005-05:00

image courtesy of Natalie Dee

My sister sent this to me and I think it is hilarious!

Crazy Making

2008-11-05T19:24:00.002-05:00

After all of my ranting about being a horrible mommy, I talked with a pediatrician friend of mine. In doing so, some things became clear to me (funny how that works). Like the fact that after she cried long and hard, daddy would come and "rescue" her. So that taught her to cry harder and longer. She was/is not a good napper unless she is boobed down and can soothe herself back down by nursing to continue her sleep cycle. We are in the "bad habit" of nursing during naps and her sleeping on my lap, and I think that may be a contributing factor. She is sleeping longer/harder than she ever does, which may explain her stamina/reserves in the crying department.

So last night, while daddy was not home, we did a bootcamp per se. She was tired from being at the sitter (no nap) so I got her down early, medicating her and putting something on her gums. She cried for only a half hour! Then was up again at 10:15 and cried for 1 hour and 15 minutes (I checked her periodically, but that was starting to rev her up anew each and every time) and NO TEARS! She was simply pissed off, plain and simple. She slept until 3:30, which I thought was total progress and got her and brought her with me. Even if she can do that every night, I would be cool with it. Today for a nap, she fell asleep nursing, then I layed her down, and ended up boobing her back for another 20-30 minutes, which gave her about a 50 minute nap total. Much more like the "usual".

I hate discussing tonight, in case I pay the piper later, but it was about half of yesterday. We will see what the rest of tonight holds, but this is much more like my girl. But this whole sleep thing is totally crazy making, I tell you. Maybe I do have some "skills", it just takes me awhile to underwhelm myself to think through the issue! Cross your fingers...

Reminder: GO VOTE!

2008-11-02T20:28:00.002-05:00

This Tuesday, November 4th, whatever your political beliefs, please, for the love of all that is good, get off of your hiney and GO VOTE!

(If you don't, I totally don't want to hear you complain. We are lucky enough in this country to have a voice, so USE IT!)

May the best man win!

Tappy Holidays

2008-11-02T20:19:00.003-05:00

Alright, in an effort to not gain weight during the holiday season (which has officially begun, I think) and possibly to lose, I am doing Tappy Holidays. A 6-week challenge to keep us on track. I am taking a "before" picture and measurements - and under no circumstances will be posting them here, thank you very much! But, I will keep you informed of my progress. Got my new dvds, a plan, and I am all set!

Also, trying out this new "diet" seems very doable and common sensical. Plus, the guy on the website's writing absolutely cracks me up.

Also, I have to post this link because it is enlightening and makes you think about not just losing weight (and muscle), but tightening and toning as you go. Gotta love T-Tapp!

Wish me luck! And here I go...

Worst Mommy EVER (for real)

2008-11-02T19:43:00.003-05:00

Confession: I win the worst mommy of the year award (yet again)!

Okay, so despite the fact that my child has only 4.5 teeth to her name, and we are waiting for number 6 to erupt anytime now, she has 2 MOLARS coming in on the top!!! WTF?!? Therein lies the cause of all (well, most anyways of) our discontent.

And I have been letting her cry. This is eating me alive right now, I cried after I saw those molars. In my own defense, I did not know that teeth did not come in order! With the rate her teeth come in, I was expecting molars at age 3! I know she fits the general time frame, but we don't even have all of the incisors yet, or canines! I also had NO IDEA what was going on (see previous post).

I can't imagine how confusing this was to her because I am normally extremely responsive to her. She probably felt alone, abandoned, hurt, and not to even mention, physical pain (or at the very least, discomfort). This was so not what I wanted to be, not the parent I pride myself on being. Last night's post probably didn't articulate well what I was trying to say with regards to my feelings and lack of creativity. At the risk of being repetitive, here is another stab at it. I really want to tailor individual interventions and methods to meet my daughter's unique personality and needs, yet I find myself too afraid to veer off the path layed out for me by others. A path I don't always agree with. Am I scared of "undoing" all the sleep training we had done before, or that it would all be for naught if I picked her up and loved her and started over another night. Surely that wouldn't set a precedent (or would it?). Or was I too selfish, too desperate for the "me time" I feel I already get too little of that I couldn't take some extra time with her? Just stick to the plan and it will work, right?

AAACCCKKK!!! I am not proud and have no idea how I got here. I am really trying to put the plan from yesterday's post into play and today went much better. Same struggles, different spin and perspective. I am happy that I didn't stop her from coming into our bed at night, or try to curb the almost constant need to nurse (as frustrating as it can be at times!). And, I am glad that I didn't force the nap issue. Pain and discomfort always seem to bother her most when she is ready for sleep, as there are no coping skills left or nothing to distract her mind. (and DUH! the nights she really didn't eat or refused medicine are also the nights she tended to cry harder and longer!)

I can't say I will never use sleep training again, I do believe for some children it has a time and place. And, as I posted before, we have usually had great success with it. However, now that I am more aware of the crazy teething cycle and my daughter's response, I will try to be in-tune with what is going on at the moment. Gotta just add some tools to my toolbox. Plus I am learning to sneak in the medicine when I think she needs it. I pretend to give it to the dog she is most frustrated with, and she can't even tolerate that, so she takes it without a problem. Hey! Maybe I will get the hang of creative parenting after all...

It's really hard feeling not just that you didn't get it right, but that you completely failed. I just hope the last week or so hasn't scarred her permanently! Tomorrow is another day to try to get it "right" (or as close to it as I come) I guess.

Wit's End

2008-11-01T21:24:00.003-04:00

I truly do not know what to do with my ever-willfull child! We are both struggling through so much of our routine and everything seems to be a battle of wills. No coats, no anything 3/4 of the way on her arm, no shoes, no socks, no bare feet, no vitamins/tylenol, no food! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Only on her terms. I realize this as a phase of her toddler development and knew it would happen. That I can actually handle. I guess what makes it so hard is her underlying frustration with EVERYTHING! I know she is just ready to be a big kid, but my goodness. If the dogs even look at her the wrong way, she is batting at them (to back them up) and screaming in their face! I particularly am a big fan of the perpetual whine and grunting.

Part of the problem (or a symptom?) is the fact she is resisting bedtime BIGtime (couple that with early night-wakings and sleeping like crap, very restless, even with us in our bed, and it is a nightmare). Our tried and true sleep training techniques are failing us (daddy had some success for a while as he has no milk to beg) and we are lost. It is 9:30 here and Eric just got her to sleep, on him in the rocker. Anyways, we have had a consistent, solid routine from day one, so that is not new. I guess I am wondering why all of a sudden. Is she afraid? How do I know? Despite being so verbal, would she even know what fear (as a feeling) was and how to communicate it? Is she and I am not picking up on it? Is she just being a stubborn, willfull toddler (that I can handle)? Is it teething (probably in part, #6 is making its way soon, but she refuses meds and it has never been this bad)? Is it because she will only sleep on me with a boob in her mouth for napping and most of the night (again, probably a big component of the issue, but what do I do when she is desperate for sleep? Her daycare provider can attest that she is PERSISTENT despite being utterly exhausted, as she has NEVER napped there as of yet)?

I just hate not knowing. In reality, it is a combination of all of these factors. But usually, sleep training has worked very very well for her/us. She got better sleep, we got our time and better sleep. So something is up. Even when she has tested us, it has not lasted this long or this persistently (the other night it took an hour to get her down, tonight, I can't even talk about!). We have also had big changes, like being busy, mommy started working, she is going to daycare, etc. Even when we have been home and together, because we are so busy (with her activities), maybe I am not giving her my undivided attention like I should. Life should slow down this week, hopefully and we should get into our routine (ha! Just in time for the holidays to eff us all up again!). I am trying to be gentle with her throughout all of these changes, but maybe I am not doing a good job,

And that is what is killing me the most, the thought that I may somehow be failing her. I read all of these blogs and the mothers are so intuitive and creative. I feel like those things do not come naturally to me and I hate that! I try, but realize that is not the case. And I am so afraid of "undoing" our sleep routine or setting a precedent, that I vacilate in my mind between just getting her and comforting her and doing "controlled crying" (my pendulum is swinging wildly between "attachment parenting" and "ferber", in those general ideas). And then I am frozen to come up with other possibililites, to find a middle ground which works in both our lives. I NEED the evening for her to fall asleep in her crib, that is my ONLY time. When she wakes around midnight, I am ready for bed and totally don't mind taking her with me.

So what to do? I hate when people say "trust your instincts" and "know your child" because for some reason, that is hard for me to do. I am with her so much and pride myself on being very in-tune with her, but these other mothers make these observations about their children and I have to stop and think what the heck do I do all day besides her, yet I don't even get it! (I know I shouldn't compare myself, but it is hard when I am having issues with her - the first thing to go is self-confidence and in comes doubt and questioning). Yet I have no individual approach, I resort to "cookie-cutter" parenting. There seems to be a barrier there that totally cuts off all creative thinking when it comes to my girl, which is why I love blogs and Ask Moxie.

I guess my point is that I also have an underlying frustration that I can't crack the code or the message my daughter is trying to tell me. What IS going on? If it is a normal stage/phase, I could obviously handle the crying and provide comfort. But what if she is in pain or afraid and I am trying to get her to fall asleep on her own? I guess a major clue is that she is so resistent this time, when we used to have success with that method. But from here, what? How do I accomplish getting her to sleep and still feel I can "baby" her with coming into our bed and me holding her naps? Or is that an impossible dream?

I am hoping with the settling of our schedules and some revised parenting - using some of our "old" tricks we may have gotten lax on: praising for doing well, correcting the behavior positively and not with knee-jerk responses, focused one-on-one attention in short periods through the day that don't just involve "milk", and offering choices more often to help her feel in control - that we can start to feel better about the daytime stuff. Now if anyone has input regarding the sleep, I would appreciate it. How would I know if she was afraid (and don't tell me to watch my child, sometimes I still can't tell if she will ramp up or wind down with a cry and she is 19 mos old!)? What about the naps (don't tell me to sleep train during the day either, as it is only a trauma for her and I)? Reassurance that I am not screwing her up for life?

I am sure in a few weeks, she will get used to daycare. I do talk to her about her day and prepare her before we go. I try to do this with everything. Maybe with some interventions during the day, nighttime will go more smoothly. For this we can only pray. I love her so much and try to be the best mommy I can to her. That is why I get distressed that I can't just "get it" the way I feel I should. Sorry for this rant, but it has been plaguing me. I want someone to come in and tell me "this is x,y,and z and this is how you handle it...". It is hard at this age before they can really tell you. Anyways, thanks for listening. I want to enjoy this stage and lately (AHA, big clue for me that I am failing, I am NOT particularly). I really want to continue to work, so will be happy that we can all SLOW down and get our bearings.

Hope this makes sense as my mind goes faster than my fingers and I am slightly frazzled! Hubby got her down finally in the crib, after 10 pm. Love him! So much for our romantic evening, though...

I Passed!

2008-10-29T19:59:00.002-04:00

Yay for me! I am now officially a International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC)! Woo hoo! Sorry for the delay in posting, but it has been a crazy crazy time here. Between carrying the office phone, the monkey's social calendar, trying to keep up with the house, sleep issues (still!), my hubby's schedule, life is slightly nutty to say the least.

I am hoping next week it will settle down and I can start making some headway around here. I am still frustrated with the sleep situation and am listening to her cry as I write this (ack! and she is SOOOO tired)! And I have a bunch of new exercises, but by the time I finish all my crap around here, I will be SOOO tired!

But, this was not supposed to be a complainy post! I know I have plenty of those, but this one I just wanted to update all my readers (all 3 or 4 of you!). I am so proud as I worked VERY hard for this, now I have to relearn all my stuff because I waited 3 Months to find out if I passed! But that is okay, I am now an LC! Hooray for me. Celebrated in style with a colleague who also passed and we had wonderful food and even better wine. Fabulous! I am going to try to be the best boobie nurse EVER!

What a Great Day

2008-10-18T19:17:00.003-04:00

I saw 55 degrees on the thermometer (and dropping this evening)!

And, AND I lost 3 lbs and 3 inches so far with T-Tapp! I am on day 8 of 14 for my bootcamp, and this is only doing the 15 minute workout! Think how great it will be when I can add in the total workout! This is all a part of my 6 week Tappin' til Turkey Day Challenge to myself (and my sissa is in, too).

Just had to brag! So excited! Anyone interested in purchasing the book, T-Tapp is having a special promotion on October 21st. Sounds pretty sweet, I might just have to get in on the deal and give someone the gift for Christmas!

Just an update, we have secured a WONDERFUL in-home daycare provider for my clever little monkey. We knew immediately upon meeting her that she was THE ONE, and me and my girl spent the day over there on Friday. She is fabulous and loving and warm to my child, and I feel no worries about her spending 2 days a week there. I will probably have a harder time with the whole thing than she will. She loves the kids and keeps talking about how she played with them. So that is a relief. Her first time by herself is Monday, so I will be a wreck, but luckily work has become unexpectedly busy at the end of the month, which means I only have next week to get my house/life in order. I am hoping I will be too preoccupied to be too much of a mess.

Still going through the 18 month old fun stuff (read prelude to terrible two's) [and teething and sleep regressions (all of the above, as usual)]. No, its not that bad, but my sweet little lambkin grunts and whines A LOT now, and I find myself losing patience. Also with her reactions to our limits. I am trying to find that boundary between letting her experience her feelings and knowing bad feelings are OK, but she needs to do it in an appropriate way. I am pretty good about recognizing this fault, but really need to work on my parenting skills. I have been meaning to download this parenting seminar, and now seems as good time as any!

Other than that, we are doing quite well. Getting acclimated to hubby being back on sea-duty, but we will make it. I had so many blog posts I wanted to do this past week, and they have all since escaped me! Oh well. For now, I am enjoying this lovely October weather, my changing body, and my loving husband (when he gets off the phone!).

Confliction

2008-10-04T23:32:00.002-04:00

(Is that even a word? If it isn't, we are just going to pretend it is, 'kay?)

So I am looking to go back to work part-time, one official day a week and then one half day. Of course, I am a stay-at-home mom and therefore decisions need to be made regarding childcare. It was nanny vs in-home daycare, and I think the daycare won out. Simply due to price and the fact that she LOVES other kids and I think it would be good for her to socialize.

Here's a confession: I am a little excited at the prospect of her going to daycare, because the other half of my half day will be MINE! Probably for cleaning house and what not, but maybe I will finally get my closet unpacked or my office organized, and, well, the house clean. Because, people, it is just not happening now. She goes to be around 7, and by the time I check email, maybe check facebook (oh, god, I want to have time to play on there!), exercise, clean up the kitchen, prepare the next day's dinner, clean up again, I am tired and have no time or energy. I really really want the little piles of paper and crap around my house to magically file themselves away or throw themselves in the trash, but I don't realistically think that will happen. So, since nothing really gets done besides the monkey during the day, that leaves it all pretty much unfinished. WHICH MAKES ME CRAZY, because although I appear type B, I really am more of an A/B. And before, prior to kids, when I had time, I was just lazy. Now I am totally motivated but lacking the time. Do you see what time I am even blogging for goodness' sakes?

So, back from the tangent. Feeling a little excited was where we left off. However, HOWEVER, then it strikes me. The day to day crap. Her neediness and fussiness at times. This neverending teething. Her naplessness (or very minimal nap and only in a car or on the boob, that is). How can a daycare provider take care of her like I feel she needs to be cared for? She can't hold her all day. [now, I fully realize kids act differently in daycare. there will be other kids/toys to distract her and no preconcieved notions. I know she will learn. BUT STILL. it makes me a wreck just thinking of it]. And honestly that's what gets me, is what I see as the practicality of the matter. We have a day like today and I think, what the hell? Who, other than me (or daddy, if she would let him), will be able to baby her like this.

Nevermind the guilt for feeling excited (that is MY BABY!), or wanting my own things (work, time, being grownup and out of the house and NOT mommy), or feeling like a selfish witch (the kind with a B). Nevermind the search, and qualifications, and the interviews, and the whole crappy process (I guess worth it if we find someone who works out where she is happy). It makes your head spin. How will they discipline? How do they react if she won't eat? What if they don't give her diluted juice and she accidently ingests undiluted, full sugar juice (OMG! The Horrors!). I am so new at this, I don't even know if I am asking the right questions...

So, as you see I am afflicted with Confliction, or just plain ole conflicted. Over my own emotions over the deal (crying at dinner talking about it with hubby yesterday), over sending her to "someone" else to do "my" job, even if it is worth her happiness.

But I have to believe over the last 18 mos we have built a pretty strong attachment, considering I do my best to be a responsive parent. There is something to be said for branching out, especially getting to socialize with other kids. I don't want to push her, but I also don't think its unreasonable to want to work 2 days a week. It would give me some much needed balance, I think. I LOVE staying-at-home, but I also miss work, too. Plus, I think I am pretty good at my job, and I want to explore that further. I don't think it is selfish to have personal goals and dreams. Is this just me justifying?

Anyways, please excuse the ramblings of a nervous first time mom (couldn't tell, could you?). [but that's MY BABY!]. We have 2 interviews this week with potential care providers and I am lucky that my hubby will be around for both. He is supportive of me, but a total wreck over the deal. Pray for us and wish us luck. Any words of wisdom are appreciated, as always.

Teething, Round 5

2008-10-04T23:14:00.003-04:00

Today was a day in which I thought my sweet little baby girl was totally possessed. Then, while tickling her before bath, I think I spotted tooth #5 just breaking through (yes, that is right, internet, at 18 mos, my darling has only 4 teeth). Why I don't realize the signs (maybe because the first one was the worst and the other 3 weren't all that bad, and she ONLY HAS 4 TEETH total, so I am not that practiced yet. They are usually spaced just so, so I have only a mild recollection of the other times, but not enough to connect the dots, you know?). So, here on "paper" I am writing the signs for her:

napping becomes only 20-30 mins (yes, per day)
night wakings are earlier and earlier
fussiness and generalized irritability
seeming more tired (duh)
not wanting to eat a lot
lack of patience and increased frustration, ie hitting, biting, etc (possibly related to being tired, again, duh! it seems to make so much sense when I write it down
new thing: whining and crying, almost inconsolable after naps (again, because she is still tired)! Gasp! even nursing wasn't a cure-all, in face, she even refused! I almost fell over right out of my chair.

Well, that made it look simple! For someone who is literally with her kid all day and most of the night, you truly would think that I would be more keen to these types of things. I guess I don't have blond hair for nothing!

Let's pray we both get a break, well, maybe it would be better for them all to come in at once and have one big month of hell. I don't know, and since I can't control it, I will deal with it how it comes. Wish us luck!

October 1st

2008-10-01T22:35:00.003-04:00

I just love the sound of it - autumn finally starts to ring true! There is a certain coolness to the air and it just makes my heart happy!

Some things on my plate, consuming my already over-filled brain:

obtaining a grant to start up a local breastfeeding support group
finding a childcare situation in order to work one to two days a week
re-sleep training the monkey (did see improvement tonight - if I wasn't desperate to get the grant app done immediately, there would have been a heart wrenching post last night)
a change in my husband's job which of course affects our whole life and major uncertainty about that (not so much a change per se, but a speeding up of events I wasn't quite ready for. Really not the drama I am making it, but I am still salty over the whole deal!)
FINALLY getting settled and into our routine
getting all my "crap" done that is constantly floating on the edges of my brain so I feel I can't ever "truly" relax
starting up again (minus a couple day lapse) on the T-Tapp with renewed vigor. Odd that I am weighing about 6 lbs more, but people have already said they see a difference, albeit small, but I will take anything at this point. That is certainly enough motivation for me. And if my tape measure ever gets here, I can have some hard data points as well.
need to get back on the vitamins and mona vie, because after 4 or 5 days off, I can really tell a difference.

So, I will get there. But for now, I am relishing the simple fact that we are now in October. Something so refreshing and renewing in that tidbit of knowledge for me - and I need all the help I can get!

Did I ever mention...

2008-09-27T19:31:00.003-04:00

...just how much I HATE sleep regressions? Here you are, going along with a nice routine, and then comes this developmental spurt and BAM. It's like someone comes and cold cocks you. You feel sorry for yourself and for the kiddo. It can't be easy on them, either. Just sucks all the way around. Right now I am listening to the screaming litany of "MommyMommyOhMommyMommyOhMommy" as she tries to get herself settled down. My insides are wrenched so tight. The usual comfort measures aren't working either, just for added kicks. BIG SIGH. What can you do?

Hallelujah!

2008-09-19T19:05:00.003-04:00

Today, during our after dinner walk, I was able to wear a long-sleeve tee shirt and capri's and be comfortable! It was PERFECT outside, nice temperature with a great breeze, I could have walked for ages (stupid park that my daughter spotted!). My soul feels lighter and it just made me smile! I am so tired of sweating. Wow! I think I could even detect a hint of autumn...

I wish everyday could be like today, O Glorious Day!

Which one of these is not like the other?

2008-09-18T22:00:00.003-04:00

Which one of these is not the same?

So, I have been noticing this for awhile, but it hit me square between the eyes today at "Fun Forrest" (which is totally COOL, btw, can't wait to go back). Anyways, I notice that all the other stay-at-home moms are really cute and thin and dress just so (even while casual). What is wrong with me? There I was, bad hair pulled hastily back into a clip, with my too big capri's (no, not due to weight loss unfortunately) and an ill-fitting tee shirt. No make-up on and my face is broke out. I am glad other moms have their shit together, but again, is there something that I am just not getting?

Drastically lowering my expectations DOES get me through, especially while gearing up for the 18 month old stage, but it does NOTHING for my self-esteem.

(On a more positive note, 10 days in a row of T-Tapp.)

8 days in a row...

2008-09-16T23:38:00.002-04:00

That I have exercised! Yay, me! I have been doing T-Tapp Basic Workout Plus, but I never measured myself. So far, for the 15 minutes that I do it, I am feeling great afterward, and am much more self-regulating in matters related to food. As with any workout, form is everything, so I am hoping I am even doing it right. I will keep you posted...

Funny, my last post was written on my 31st birthday. It came and went quietly, and to be honest, I keep forgetting I am even 31. Aaaccckkk! I did not want to become the "old" person whose birthdays were no big thing. I LIKE my month long celebrations (of course, pre-baby mostly). Internet, next year, I will celebrate befitting of the day, this I promise you now.

I am still around, not getting nearly enough done (or what I think I should), and finding so many other things to waste my time with (cough, Facebook!) There was a reason I never knew about it, and it is SOOOO much better than myspace.

Much to update you on and many posts that are in a notebook unwritten. Sigh. Someday, will I ever feel caught up or is that a pipe dream of mine? Anyways, now is a time for lowering expectations as my 17 month plus daughter is turning 18 months soon - and that is rocking my world. Hello again, separation anxiety, my old friend! How I have NOT missed you! 4th tooth has been bursting at the gums without coming through for about a week and I am ready to file away the gums to set it free already! (kidding, almost). So it has been fun here. Actually, some really great times and others are total shit. Probably, just like most times in parenting. And, despite logic otherwise, I am always hoping this gets easier.

Better get to bed, have to gather my patience and creativity for another day...

Someday Soon

2008-08-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

I will be back. I promise.

Still Nuts

2008-08-07T23:16:00.002-04:00

My parents left yesterday. My mother had been with me for a month and went through all the craziness of the move and travel with me, and also getting settled and set-up. My dad had been here for a week and busted his arse in my yard to help out. So it was pretty sad and many tears were shed. Anyways, the house felt rather empty the last 2 days after being full of activity. In some ways it is nice to develop our own thing again, but I am still overwhelmed with getting unpacked. Even though I have this obsession of "FINISHING (for goodness' sake already)" I am not motivated to work at night anymore (and that is really the only time I have!). My mom had pretty much been keeping house, and after doing that for myself now, I am pooped.

I just wanted to let you know I am still here, trying to get "caught up" on emails, blogs, etc. I have severely neglected my kiddo's blog (much to family dismay) but don't have enough time to sit down and post the 100 or so pics that I want to. Still haven't sent out an address update email. I am getting there, but s l o w l y ...

Still have my post ideas, and hopefully, in a little while, I can start getting them up. I thought I would be done with all this and be settled by now, but that was a gross underestimation on my part. Someday...until then, take care!

Resurfacing

2008-07-29T18:53:00.003-04:00

Well, for better or for worse, the Lactation Consultant Exam is over. Typical "nursing" test of having about 3 right answers and you having to pick the "best" one. So, some I felt good about, others I know I got wrong. BUT, it was not as horrible as I was envisioning, but I don't necessarily feel good about it either. So, who knows. If I don't get more than 60 wrong, I should be within the historic passing range. I am hoping I did a little better than that, but we will see. IN ABOUT 3 MONTHS!!! Yes, 3 months, internet. It is 2008 and I have to wait 3 blessed months to find out these results. Oh, well. So be it, all I know is, it's over. And I don't know what to do with all my free time now.

Oh, wait a minute, yes I do - UNPACK! Still in the midst of getting settled in, decorating, cleaning, organizing, purging, etc. Maybe now I can get some actual work done! Although during the day is hard, because my baby has been attached to me and does NOT want me doing ANYTHING where my attention is even ever so slightly diverted from her!

Oh well. I am also coming up from my fog and absence, so I can resume my relationship with the outside world. Give me a few days or so to get used to my new status of "normal" (although that is still arguable!). I need to catch up on/finish so many many things. All in good time, I guess. After all, I have 3 VERY LONG months to wait...

One Week Away

2008-07-20T23:43:00.002-04:00

My Lactation Consultant exam is one week away tomorrow and due to the recent move, travel, unpacking, etc, I have not been studying as much as I would like. The monkey has regressed back to total MommyLove, even more fun now that she calls my name when she wants me - which is ALL THE TIME, almost as much as she wants to nurse. Hello, sore nipples! Just cut her 3rd tooth - at just about 16 months! Crazy! Anyhoo, I have so much to blog about and update - mirena, the move, random thoughts, but have NO time to do it in (I don't even have time to read or comment on my blogs, which irritates me to no end). So, bear with me (and my bad grammar) and please keep me in your prayers! I really need them - to say the least, life is hectic right now. As if the site of all of your wordly possessions in boxes engulfing you is not enough to stress me out, the exam and my crazy monkey sprinkled in just have me completely overwhelmed! I will be back in a week or so....

The Old Me

2008-06-29T22:21:00.004-04:00

This past Thursday I had the opportunity to go out for a Girls' Night Out with all the Navy moms from our playgroup who will be leaving the area in the next week or so. It was AWESOME!

It was challenging trying to "get ready" while caring for a toddler and then putting her down to bed. I showered in the afternoon and did things in spurts throughout the rest of the time, finishing up with makeup and clothes after she went to sleep. Kind of funny, took me like 4 hours instead of the usual one it used to take me.

So, I didn't feel like it, but decided to wear a skirt and contacts, and do my makeup like I used to do (you know, pre-motherhood when I had oodles of free time to do those sorts of luxurious things, although I didn't know it then. SIGH, who does?). I come out of the bathroom, looking HOT complete with big hair and all (if I do say so myself), and my husband couldn't stop complimenting me. I was so excited that he was lavishing all this attention on me, hell, that he even NOTICED, was awesome. He was so appreciative of my appearance that we had to take a detour to the bedroom before I left (wink wink - with strict instructions NOT to mess up my hair or makeup!).

I grabbed my purse, complete with ONLY MY THINGS - wallet, cell, lip gloss, keys - and headed out. No diapers, or wipes, or toys, or sippies, or snacks. I felt such a feeling of anticipation while I was driving to the restaurant, just like the old days when I would go out, except then I didn't look in the rearview mirror to an empty car seat! I was just thinking of how good this whole experience was for me ( I have been having a rough time with my appearance lately - in dire need of a hair color, cut, and style, acne issues, weight gain, low self-confidence, blah blah blah) and how much I felt like MYSELF - looking good and ready for fun, full of confidence and ready to go. God, I realized how much I missed ME!

So, when I arrive, the girls all gasp and fuss over how good I look. It became painfully clear to me that I really need to start making more of an effort. It's not that I am apathetic or don't care, but when you are hanging out at home all day with a toddler, what is the point, really, in trying that hard? Sometimes, it is not worth the extra effort to use mascara or go for cute hair when your itinerary involves baby gym and the grocery store. But with that strong of a reaction, I realized that it probably wouldn't hurt to start trying a little. Just a tad, really. It would probably help me in the long run (more on that later).

But, anyways, we had a great time laughing, eating great food, drinking wine, and reminiscing. Conversations mostly revolved around Navy life, our crazy husbands, and silly kids - but it was so much fun to just BE, with my friends, as Stacy, not mommy or wife. We closed down the restaurant and stood talking in the parking lot for almost an hour! Then, with a sigh of contentment and a smidge of resignation, we said good night and made our ways back to our real lives.

Beta Mom

2008-06-16T19:28:00.001-04:00

I found my definition of motherhood to a tee: it's all about being a beta mom. Someone else can deal with all of the other BS.

Mattress Radar

2008-06-16T00:36:00.004-04:00

We have had a few nights lately, tonight being one of them, especially if you look at the posting time of this message, in which I, of course being up way too late, decide to finally go to bed. I no longer get in a comfy position, nestled just so beneath the covers with the pillow in perfect position for my head, breathe a nice big sigh, and begin to drift off to dreamland, when a cry disrupts the whole process. I swear, sometimes it seems as if she knows when I go to bed and then calls for me. Do alarm bells sound off and light up in her crib when she realizes that I have gone down for the night myself? It's like she is effing with me. Don't they do this to prisoners? It's horrible. The last two nights she has a legitimate concern - she pooped, so I quick change, and nurse her back down. That begs the question then of why I let her cry for 10-15 mins hoping and praying that OhDearGodWillSheJustGoBackToSleep, when I could have fixed the problem right away. Then, on top of it all, I feel obligated to stay up even (at least 20 mins or so), because to get settled again and then disrupted would be downright torture. I don't know how we got off routine as much as we did being back from vacation (alluded to in previous post), but it truly feels crazy. At least I have family nap time from earlier to help overall. I need to just start retiring earlier in the evening, but I find myself trying to wait it out. Because its almost better to be tired in general, then be tired, go to bed, just drift off, and then be woke up. In fact, instead of more mindless internet surfing, I am going to chance the bed and risk being disturbed from precious slumber, but I am just so dang tired...

Update

2008-06-15T23:19:00.002-04:00

Blogging has been a little spotty lately, due to traveling and general business with all of our activities, preparing for the move, and getting ready for more traveling! We are doing well through it all, but just wanted to update on a few items.

First, you all will be happy to know, I have been studying regularly. I finished an ENTIRE text book. That's right, a whole, complete, cover-to-cover, honest-to-goodness, 500 lb, back-breaking, legitimate school TEXT BOOK! Me, who has both a bachelor's and master's degree without ever really reading the books that we were supposed to buy with the class, which I did, but sat, unused mostly, on my bookshelf, has read a whole book! I am really quite proud of myself, and I think that it speaks volumes on my desire and my motivation to become and Lactation Consultant. So there.

Second, Em's second tooth broke through and you can finally start to see it. The top left one feels like it will be coming soon, too. Alas, no more mouse-tooth or cabbage patch smile! She is so darn cute!

Third, we have a woodpecker boring holes into our new house. It looks like someone took a can opener to the wood trim on it. And the M-F'ers are protected, so our original answer involving a gun is out of the question. We know how we are going to fix the damage, but are unsure as to what to do in the meantime. Good lord, thank God for our friends who found it for us. I wish it was a ghost, instead of Woody!

Fourth, Em is down to one nap a day. We are doing better after a crazy period of being all over the place with sleep/wake times. It is more consistent, but not ideal. Still mainly napping with me or in the car. But, with all the upheaval, it is honestly not worth the battle. I am doing what works for us right now. We will need to tweak things once we are settled in VA, but with more travel and a move on the forefront, I am not getting crazy right now. It works, and we are both more or less happy with the status quo for now.

Fifth, the monkey is signing pretty well for most of her needs and has just been a joy - cute and funny and personable. She is "talking" more and yelling and fake laughing to get us to laugh. She is hilarious. She is also so very sweet, and gives kisses and hugs and speaks to us in her "nice girl voice" ("za za za za"), while petting us. We are really enjoying this time of her childhood and LOVE watching her grow by leaps and bounds. The knowledge acquisition, assimilation, and application, albeit limited, is so amazing to watch!

Well, I should get my butt into bed. Just wanted to remain semi- up-to-date.

Happy Father's Day!

2008-06-15T23:09:00.002-04:00

To all our "fathers" - dads, grampas, great-grampas, and Godfathers. Especially to my wonderful, participative, engaged, active, and present father of the most precious thing in our life! Thanks for all of your "daddy-ing". Not only do I appreciate it, but it is priceless to your little girl.

Lucky Number 7

2008-06-11T23:46:00.002-04:00

Well, here we are at 7 years of marriage as of June 9th. Neither of us has any itches, we are perfectly capable of scratching each other, so to speak! This has probably been my favorite year, as adding to our "mix" has really made things great. A lot of craziness in the past year, and still more to come, but all in all, I have never been happier and more content. To my hubby, who often makes me hot (both in the bad and good sense), I love you I love you I love you! I am so happy we chose each other to be spouses, companions, lovers, friends, travelers, parents, room-mates, pen-pals, and soul-mates on this wacky journey of our life together. And even though it gets rough at times, I am loving the ride so far! Kind of like the Navy, our marriage is not just a job, it's an adventure! Thank you for always being you and true to us; I look forward to growing old(er) and gray(er) by your side (of course, you will be paying for some hi-lites to cover up that gray, don't you worry!).