Confliction

(Is that even a word? If it isn't, we are just going to pretend it is, 'kay?)

So I am looking to go back to work part-time, one official day a week and then one half day. Of course, I am a stay-at-home mom and therefore decisions need to be made regarding childcare. It was nanny vs in-home daycare, and I think the daycare won out. Simply due to price and the fact that she LOVES other kids and I think it would be good for her to socialize.

Here's a confession: I am a little excited at the prospect of her going to daycare, because the other half of my half day will be MINE! Probably for cleaning house and what not, but maybe I will finally get my closet unpacked or my office organized, and, well, the house clean. Because, people, it is just not happening now. She goes to be around 7, and by the time I check email, maybe check facebook (oh, god, I want to have time to play on there!), exercise, clean up the kitchen, prepare the next day's dinner, clean up again, I am tired and have no time or energy. I really really want the little piles of paper and crap around my house to magically file themselves away or throw themselves in the trash, but I don't realistically think that will happen. So, since nothing really gets done besides the monkey during the day, that leaves it all pretty much unfinished. WHICH MAKES ME CRAZY, because although I appear type B, I really am more of an A/B. And before, prior to kids, when I had time, I was just lazy. Now I am totally motivated but lacking the time. Do you see what time I am even blogging for goodness' sakes?

So, back from the tangent. Feeling a little excited was where we left off. However, HOWEVER, then it strikes me. The day to day crap. Her neediness and fussiness at times. This neverending teething. Her naplessness (or very minimal nap and only in a car or on the boob, that is). How can a daycare provider take care of her like I feel she needs to be cared for? She can't hold her all day. [now, I fully realize kids act differently in daycare. there will be other kids/toys to distract her and no preconcieved notions. I know she will learn. BUT STILL. it makes me a wreck just thinking of it]. And honestly that's what gets me, is what I see as the practicality of the matter. We have a day like today and I think, what the hell? Who, other than me (or daddy, if she would let him), will be able to baby her like this.

Nevermind the guilt for feeling excited (that is MY BABY!), or wanting my own things (work, time, being grownup and out of the house and NOT mommy), or feeling like a selfish witch (the kind with a B). Nevermind the search, and qualifications, and the interviews, and the whole crappy process (I guess worth it if we find someone who works out where she is happy). It makes your head spin. How will they discipline? How do they react if she won't eat? What if they don't give her diluted juice and she accidently ingests undiluted, full sugar juice (OMG! The Horrors!). I am so new at this, I don't even know if I am asking the right questions...

So, as you see I am afflicted with Confliction, or just plain ole conflicted. Over my own emotions over the deal (crying at dinner talking about it with hubby yesterday), over sending her to "someone" else to do "my" job, even if it is worth her happiness.

But I have to believe over the last 18 mos we have built a pretty strong attachment, considering I do my best to be a responsive parent. There is something to be said for branching out, especially getting to socialize with other kids. I don't want to push her, but I also don't think its unreasonable to want to work 2 days a week. It would give me some much needed balance, I think. I LOVE staying-at-home, but I also miss work, too. Plus, I think I am pretty good at my job, and I want to explore that further. I don't think it is selfish to have personal goals and dreams. Is this just me justifying?

Anyways, please excuse the ramblings of a nervous first time mom (couldn't tell, could you?). [but that's MY BABY!]. We have 2 interviews this week with potential care providers and I am lucky that my hubby will be around for both. He is supportive of me, but a total wreck over the deal. Pray for us and wish us luck. Any words of wisdom are appreciated, as always.