Lenten Reflections

Lent is 6 days underway as of today.  After missing Mass on Ash Wednesday due to a late time and a napless child, I felt I didn't really get off to such a great start.  I had thoughtfully planned on saying a Rosary every day to lead me closer to God during this time.  However, that didn't quite work out for me either.  In conversations with my husband, who gave up chocolate, we discussed me giving up wine (YIKES!?!).  My point is, that even though I thought I had considered what I was going to do to prepare myself for Easter, I was still confused and not living up to my own expectations, let alone God's. Although it was very much on my mind.

Last year was a "lost and found" year for me spiritually.  In the beginning, I had been, for the most part, a non-participant in my church, my faith, and my spirituality.  I was going through the motions, nothing resonated with me.  Then I just stopped all-together.  Things were tense at home: husband with a stressful job and long hours, me trying to juggle a new "career" and being basically a single parent to our 2 year old daughter.  I was really starting to feel like not only was I losing my faith, I was losing myself as well.  Eventually the stress wore me down and I sought personal counseling with a Christian counselor I was referred to by a good friend.  I truly believe that through her guidance I was gently (and at times, not-so gently) led back to the right path, the path leading to the Lord.  It was during many periods of contemplation between sessions, conversations with good friends with whom I could confide, and just returning back to my parish home that I started to feel like I was heading in the right direction.  I was Found, and heading toward Home, much like the prodigal Son.  Things didn't immediately get better, they got immensely worse.  But in further study and prayer, I have come to see how the brokenness was necessary to make me (and my spouse) more open to God and our heritage.  People say, "Everything happens for a reason."  And I do think that is true, but it wasn't that God allowed any hardship to befall me.  We, as humans, are both blessed and cursed with free will.  God allows things to happen as a consequence of our choices - he is not some puppeteer pulling the strings.  This period of brokenness allowed me to be more receptive and perceive my relationships (with my daughter, my husband, my family, my God) in a whole new way.  We have come through the other side.  Not without much work, mind you - but we both chose to forgive and to love.  When it could've been so easy to walk away, we chose love, therefore we chose God - for God IS love.  My husband and I are bound together tighter than we have ever been in our entire relationship, and the glue is God.  We have truly let Christ into our marriage and our lives, and He has changed our hearts.  We can't believe how our whole way of being has been transformed and just how happy we truly are!  What a difference!

But, being a child of the flesh, as time goes on and things become status quo, we grow complacent.  I DO NOT want to only need my Savior when I need saving.  I want that depth and intensity of the relationship I had with God when I was feeling desperate.  Perfect timing with Lent.

The best Lent I ever had was when I was deployed to Kuwait with the Marines in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom about 7 years ago (has it really been that long?).  Stationed with our company was a Franciscan Monk (funny to see him in cammies one day and his robes the next) with whom I became very close.  I attended a very intimate daily Mass in his tent with about 6 other military members.  I sang in the church choir, and we even traveled around to other camps to share in song.  I said the rosary most mornings with other Catholic officers before chow.  When Lent came, he really made a great analogy of us living in the austere desert and the desert experience within each one of us.  His homilies spoke to me and it was just amazingly powerful to consider that we were living in the very sands of the land that Jesus walked.  We did a walking Stations of the Cross around the perimeter of the camp with a homemade cross that was about 6 feet tall and very heavy; we each took turns carrying it.  In spite of our surroundings and living conditions, Easter was a joyous celebration of the Resurrection!

WOW!  I still get chills thinking of that, and how I was so sure I would hold onto that emotion.  Boy, was I wrong.  Enter back into civilization, with all of our "necessary" luxuries and niceties, and that feeling slowly evaporated. Only this year, I have really and truly seen how these things which are so valuable and prized by us, can simply serve as distractions to our real purpose.

Anyways, here I am, at the beginning of Lent for this year really wanting to get myself aligned with God and really delve deeper into a relationship with Him.  So I came up with the idea of saying the Rosary every day, especially after reading this article on Spiritual Sloth.  Then it didn't happen because life otherwise intervened.  So I told my husband that I didn't think that would work, I should probably give something up.  I had initially thought of Facebook, but I use that professionally and there is no real way to make a distinction.  E suggested wine - WTH?!? - I looked at him like he had 3 heads, all the while knowing if it was causing me this much resistance and discomfort, that it is indeed what I should give up.  Because it is, after all, about sacrifice and focusing on what Jesus did to save humanity.  I pondered this as I continued to sip my daily imbibement.  [for those concerned, I am only talking about 1 to 2 glasses a night.]

So, fast forward now to Sunday, 5 days after Lent began and I am in no better position than I was before.  In fact, I was feeling pretty low.  I kept turning over the "perfect plan" for Lent, even as we headed to Mass.  After mass, we struck up a conversation with some new friends while our girls played at the park on Church property.  She and I discussed pretty much what I have written here.  And, as per my norm, through this discussion I felt like I found my answer.  I really saw that the Rosary was the way to go.  So, even though I got a late start, I was going to do this and she was going to be my accountability buddy.  Perfect.  (btw, this friend is an incredible example to me of being a wife, mother, and Catholic - even though our relationship is new, I really respect her and look up to her as a wonderful example).  She told me about the Rosary of the Seven Sorrows, and said that it was an immensely powerful prayer.  We went to lunch after this meeting and they ran home to get cash.  When they arrived, she showed me the rosary beads.  I was really astounded by how, as a mother, the Seven Sorrows really resonated with me in a way I don't think I could have appreciated before having my own child.  Then she gave me the beads to keep.  I was SO touched and filled with gratitude.  And I felt like God and I were aligning.  What a gift!  I really can't say enough about our whole day on Sunday, especially about our time with our new friends.  I was so happy and felt so FULL in the car on the way home (and not from lunch!) that I was leaking out of my eyes!!!  And I got started and prayed that Rosary last night, and it felt right.  It is exactly what I need - to be off the computer, focused on God (not just in snippets like my devotions), and have total alone time with Him.

Well, today I continued to ponder my Lenten journey and do think I need the element of sacrifice as well.  I thought about how MUCH I had, in every way, and that is should be enough.  But like most Americans, it rarely is, and I am always "needing" something new.  Can I ever be satisfied?  Funny how, when stripped of all my luxuries (and even some necessities) in the desert, I not only survived, but thrived; yet here I am almost spiritually anemic.  My new friend also gave up chocolate.  She is a self-described chocoholic and said when she is tempted or craving it, she stops herself and says, "Jesus, I love you more."  Amazingly powerful.  When she said that, it started the old wheels turning.  So, although I can't (and won't) physically put myself in the desert, I can create the desert experience in me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  I am going to refrain from buying anything new (unless it is an absolutely useful item, such as food and face wash.  Handbags and lipgloss DO NOT count).  I am going to focus on honing my discipline toward my weight-loss (am doing Weight Watchers now and LOVING it - down almost 15 lbs!).  After all, God gave us our body, and I am choosing to treat it with love and respect - and that means feeding it nutritious food, and moving it pretty regularly.  As for the wine, well, I am giving it up during the week, and can have a glass or two on weekends.  Probably best for me health-wise and weight-loss wise anyways, but I am sure going to miss it.  Jesus, I love you MORE!

Another aspect is that it is not about perfection, I can still have a Holy Lent as long as I am consistently mindful of what it is I am doing and WHY.  If I mess up on accident, or through weakness, I need to confess to God and keep on walking on that path toward Him.

Now, I have Rosary to say.




[I know the subject of religion can make some cringe, especially enthusiastic posts which resemble the likes of "Holy Rollers".  However, I do invite you to share in my personal journey as spirituality is the canvas of which we are all painted.  I am a Roman Catholic, but respect the differing viewpoints of other faiths/ways.  This is simply my path.  Please come along with me, if only as an observer.]