More

I have been taking notes on things I eventually hoped to blog about including some profound insights, and I keep wanting to write this amazing blog post with links.  However, I think that is what is preventing me from actually getting out my thoughts.  So, now I sit here with both kids in bed (for the moment) with my glass of wine, and I am just going to write, and hope at the end of it all it makes sense.

Lately (for the last 1.75 yrs) I have had a harder time parenting my daughter.  This is very frustrating to me as I strive to be a gentle parent.  At the end of the day, my daughter knows she is loved unconditionally, or so I hope, but I wonder what messages and lessons are sticking with her that would make me cringe.  Not that I am in any way abusive, but it is just so far from where I would like to be, it is maddening.

If there is a word to describe my girl, it would be more.  She was born not wanting, but needing, more of me.  She had to be on me or nursing to sleep.  She needed me to hold her, sit with her, be with her literally all. of. the. time.  Even as young as 2 weeks, she would scream if she wasn't with me or if someone else tried to take her.  Even with me, she sometimes still cried.  I went dairy free and tried every colic remedy in the book, to figure out what was wrong with her; and 5 years and another child later, I still have no answers.  I think she has a very sensitive nature and just needed some major help adapting.  She is also a very bright and perceptive child, and is in her own head a lot.  I felt very attached to her, literally and figuratively, in both good and bad ways.  It was tough on me, luckily I had (and still do) a very supportive husband who understood that my only job could be to care for her.

 I often felt an unspoken sort of judgement that I wasn't doing things the "right" way, because if I was, she certainly wouldn't be this way, right?  If I just set her down more, fed her formula and didn't nurse all the time, got her out of my bed, trained her to sleep, left her more often, socialized her more, had a better routine, fed her rice cereal, let her fuss a bit, didn't medicate her, did medicate her, on and on and on...  I felt at times like I couldn't do anything right.  A lot of this may have been perceived due to my own mental state, so I am not sure how realistic it is, but I did feel a lot of pressure.  Ultimately I did what I felt was right, which was extended breastfeeding, babywearing, and cosleeping.  Until the day she started crawling and I had a meltdown because now I didn't even get the 10-15 minutes of her playing happily with toys as a break anymore, I had to chase her (because when I say she needed me all the time, that is no exaggeration!).  This is when all the sleep training peer pressure crept in, and I allowed myself to believe it. 

So, I caved, and went at it whole hog with the help of my mother (whom we were living with at the time).  It was awful.  She doesn't just cry, she would (for any thing, big or small) go from 0 to 60 in 0.0003 seconds.  (no differentiating cries here, it was one cry and one cry only.  DISTRESS!!!)  So that just sucked.  My daughter was going through a bout of separation anxiety and the 9 month sleep regression, and had I not almost lost my marbles, I know I never would have even considered it (so please don't revoke my AP card).  My situation led up to it, and I let myself get too far into it to try any gentler methods.  I was on the couch after bath with her in my lap until bedtime, where she slept with me and I couldn't even go pee alone without her squalling.  So I really just needed some me-time before I went crazy.  I was still very AP during the day and continued to wear her, nurse her on cue, etc.  It took a long time, getting better gradually each night, but she finally fell asleep on her own when I put her in the crib.  I had to use "the method" occasionally off and on to "remind" her, so it wasn't even a do-it once and you are all good type thing.  This is one of my biggest regrets of my life.  Here I thought it was me, that my mommy instincts were broken and I was doing something wrong, not reading her cries, etc and now I see so much of this is just her inherent personality.  And I am so worried that in doing so, I created stress and anxiety in a child who is so clearly predispositioned to it.  I can't go back, I can't change it, but I most certainly will NEVER do that to another baby.  I try to forgive myself, but I think some level of doubt will always be there.  I will always wonder if I made it worse.

That is some background.  Now, as a soon-to-be kindergartener, she HATES to be alone and has a hard time even playing by herself, despite her toys, projects, and games.  Unless she is pooping, she detests to the point of freak-out being by herself in a room with the door closed,.  Hmmm...wonder why?  To some degree she has always needed to be in close physical proximity to me, but did I push something over the edge with the damn ferberizing???  Anyways, she goes to Montessori school and does beautifully there.  She is independent but also loves working in small groups with her friends, which is in the nature of that schooling.  She does children's church, camps, bible school, playdates, and one-sleep overs with family without me and she does great.  But at home, she is SO needy of one of us, and no matter how much time we spend one-on-one, it is never enough and she demands more.  At night, she needs someone to lie with her to fall asleep (which is fine).  Around 3 years old, when my husband deployed, she came back into my bed and ended up there the whole deployment.  We added my husband back 7 months later, and all of us shared the family bed, and that has been healing for me.  I got pregnant shortly after he got back, and after I delivered, he moved into her room with her, while I share with my son.  And that is our current arrangement.  Both rooms have king size beds, my husband sleeps with her and I with the baby.  It works for now.  My husband gets frustrated at times, but under no circumstance will I ever put her through something like that again.  I just won't.  It was something that was a product of where I was in my life at the time, I feel guilt over it, but now I know better.  (that turned into sort of a confession.  Thanks for letting me unload.  Even some of the earlier blog posts just make me cringe.  I considered deleting them, but decided that it was all a part of the evolution of who I am today.  For better or for worse, I guess.  Maybe I can let some of it go now?)

Aside from all of that, she had a very persistent personality.  She has always been a girl who knows her own mind, and is not deterred easily.  She has spirit, and I love that about her.  As a toddler, I was challenged as any new mom is, but had no issue with discipline.  I used gentle principles and understood age-appropriate behavior, so it was all okay.  But it seemed like when she turned 3.5 all hell broke loose.  Of course my husband was on deployment and I was solo parenting.  Some of my darkest parenting days were during that time.  Got a bit better at four, plus daddy was home again.  Then came the pregnancy, getting our house ready to sell, some pregnancy drama, the birth, a move, a new school, daddy home all the time (when he was hardly ever home before), and getting adjusted to a new role in the family and a new place.  YIKES!  I was stressed the hell out, I can't even imagine how she felt.  So we have had a lot going on.  At 5, her personality and behavior is still just so INTENSE.  And that is hard.  Watch out if things don't go her way!  We have a strong household/family rhythm to our days, I have simplified, she has loving boundaries, offered healthy foods, etc.  Some part of me suspects a food intolerance/allergy, although I have never really been able to make a strong correlation (may have her blood tested to check immune response).

Now there is nothing wrong with her.  It is just who she is, I would just like to modulate her responses a bit.  Her teachers would probably never even believe me if I told them how she was at home sometimes.  I guess I expected it to get easier as she got older and out of the new baby/needy stage.  But it is just different, and sometimes harder.  I find it is not as easy to be gentle as it was in the baby/toddler years and I lose my patience quite frequently (although she totally knows how to push buttons as well, trust me!)  Over the last couple months I have read 10 parenting books, yes, seriously.  Most were helpful, a few I LOVED and am still working through, one not so much.  The main points overlap so I am just taking what I find helpful from each (a skill I obviously have learned over time, wish I could have done that with all the damn sleep books I read when she was a baby, but I digress!).  But it seems like when I am reading these books, my parenting actually gets worse in the meantime, a lot of reacting versus responding.  It is frustrating because the reality of my parenting as of late looks a hell of a lot different than my ideals and I HATE it.  I am trying to change.

What bothers me the most is I used to find it so easy to connect with her, and at times I wonder if this is indeed that same baby who just couldn't be a part from me for 2 minutes while I used the bathroom solo.  She is very close with her dad now, which is a beautiful thing, and is gaining independence in ways which are healthy and normal.  But, outside influences from school, etc, creep in.  All of this is natural and okay, but I hate finding myself at a loss in the middle of a situation in which I have lost all control.  And my personality doesn't like that at all, and then I get all my father on her, which is not productive.  (btw, I love my dad and we have a great relationship.  But he is a cop and has a certain way about him that I can just channel when I feel it necessary, many times unknowingly until after the fact.  Crazy genetics).   I love, understand, and totally "buy into" the whole concept of respecting your child, positive discipline, etc.  I don't believe in physical violence, time outs, belittling, and yelling and can't understand how that teaches a child anything.  But boy when she won't stop hitting or yelling or laughs in my face when I correct her, ohymygoodgracious, I could go all exorcist on her, let me tell you.  And there are times I have.  Again, regrets, but it is a learning process and I am trying to do better.

A lot of it is us, I think we have fallen into some "conventional" ways of speaking/disciplining despite our best intentions, (use of rewards, taking away priveleges, etc).  So it is a practical matter of methodology in some ways; in others, it is a perspective shift and an understanding that is missing.  It used to be so easy to get there, and as she gets older, it is harder and harder.  And that scares the bejesus out of me.  I want to have an attached child, especially during the school years/adolescence with all the crazy that has been going on out there; and I am just afraid we are heading down a bad path, so I am trying to redirect and change course.  I don't know how to get there in myself, and it is disappointing and maddening.  This I think is the root of the problem, once I can correct myself, then ultimately the house follows suit.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time with it.  I have prayed, read, meditated, etc and I just can't seem to get there.

Having another child (who is insanely almost a year old already), and doing the same AP practices as I did with my daughter, has been very eye-opening for me.  He is SO much easier, everyone says that he is the happiest baby they have ever seen.  He is smiley and laid back - the kid got 2 teeth and I didn't even know!  But it really drives the point home that this is a personality issue with my daughter in so many ways.  I wonder if there is some aspect of the way that I was parented which is causing some of my own issues with her now, but nothing obvious comes to mind.  I don't know, something just needs to change.

I spent a lot of time of her infancy in doubt, and as she's gotten older, in regret of the sleep training.  Especially given her sensitive nature.  But, it is not only genetics, it is environment.  And while that makes me cringe thinking about ferberizing, I also did a lot for her by practicing Attachment Parenting in all the other aspects.  Maybe that balances it all out?  Maybe she is confident and independent because of all that?  I don't know.  I try.  And, I believe I AM a good mom, not because I always get it right, but because I keep showing up every blessed day, and I keep trying to do better.

My daughter is intense, spirited, mercurial, and sensitive - my challenge!  But she is also funny, joyful, smart, lovable, curious, enthusiastic, and insightful.  She pushes every limit I have, and I do not doubt for one second that God put her here on earth for me to become a better person!

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I was talking to a man somewhere and he was telling me about his grandchildren.  He said, "I enjoy them so much more than I did my own kids.  You know, you are always busy and working when they are younger.  I love my grandkids!"  And while I felt very happy for his grandkids, my heart felt very sad at that statement.  I want to enjoy my kids NOW!  I don't want to look back and say, "well, here's to grandkids since I got no time with my own kids!"  Our life is very conducive to slowing down and really appreciating our life and our blessings.  Can there be improvements?  Sure.  And trying to keep it simple is still a huge priority.  I want to get myself to a place where I can parent more confidently and have a more open mind and heart. I want to be present.  I want to create joy and cultivate gratitude.  I want to be here.  Maybe this should be my focus, while keeping my face turned upward for guidance.  We'll see how it goes, I will keep you posted.  If you have stayed with me to the end of this, I thank you for "listening".  It felt good to clear myself of these cobwebs.  I only hope it was semi-coherent!