From the recesses: A double post!

So.  I have had two big posts floating around in my brain for quite some time now.  And I lack the time to properly formulate and coordinate my thoughts to put them together in some sort of cohesive manner.  As I make my way through my list in Google Reader, I am often times very inspired to elaborate on and put together a montage of sorts of the different blog posts on a certain topic or idea that makes me nod my head wildly while reading.  The ones where I want to high-five the blogger or just say "exactly!"  And I have a bunch tagged and put together to sort of "justify" my initial idea - sort of a reference list, if you will.  However, my brain has been so preoccupied with the tumultuous highs and lows of life lately, and certain exciting projects have taken the lead, so that I can never come up with something original or eloquent enough.  But still they are there, remnants, rattling and blowing around in the forgotten areas of my brain, like white noise in the background.

And then Today!  Three posts that summarize almost exactly what I have been wanting to write about more concisely than I would've.  (And it will save you the reading of the extensive list of blog posts I was planning to share to illustrate my point!)  Think it was a sign?  Well, since you are reading this, I am guessing you can judge my opinion on that matter!

So, here I go.  This may still be a futile attempt, but maybe it will at least quell the white noise a bit.

Since I went through a serious reevaluation of my life late last summer and taken steps toward self-improvement in many ways, one theme keeps resurfacing over and over, especially during this past season of Lent.  And that is the idea of dying to self.  This has almost been knocking me in the head with a 2x4, and probably because I tend toward the selfish.  As a Christian, we are called to do that in reference to Christ.  However, I have seen how necessary it is in marriage, and it has thus dawned on me, parenting.  Over and over this has been made clear - I guess I really had something to learn.  This post on marriage sums up what I keep wanting to say, but not finding the words.  I have read it in devotionals, heard it in homilies, talked about it in counseling - and the more I struggle, the more necessary I see it is.  And my relationship, my marriage, my life has been transformed due to this principle.  It seems so hard, and there is a big rebellion of my self over the greater good.  Why should I have to "die"?  Here is a good example of the benefits that can come from such a daily practice.  If we die with Christ, we believe we will also live with Him.  (Romans 6:8)  The resurrection you experience is breathtaking!

For those of you not married, or are not believers, you may think, "So what?"  Well, if you are a parent, think long and hard about what it means to be a parent, the parent you truly want to be in your heart of hearts.  And think about what that looks like in real life.  Sounds a lot like dying to self, huh?  How many times do you have to put aside your wants, needs, desires, ideas, expectations, etc because your child required otherwise?  Probably more than you can count.  This post is in reference mostly to sleep training, but I like the focus on being a responsive and present parent beginning with the newborn stage.  Many people just don't get that the choices you make, especially in parenting, may seem very small but they have HUGE ramifications.  What you do DOES matter, especially to your child, so make an informed, educated choice on how you want to parent.  Don't just react to peer pressure, your initial ideals pre-parenthood, or how you were parented.  You may not always get it right, but you have an ideal to strive toward.

Which leads me to the second post I was planning on writing (and will just lump it in here since I am on a roll).  Parenting and discipline for me has become a big issue.  Being out of whack is no good for any child, but especially not for my girl.  She acts out due to being out of sorts, I don't respond well, she reacts, then I react, and soon we are in a vicious cycle.  A few times in the last month I have felt at the end of my rope, crying to my husband that it just sucks when you know the choices you make aren't good, or fail to meet your own expectations of parenting, but you have no other tools in the toolbox.  The ones you are using no longer work, but for lack of anything else, you press on, or try something you never intended to out of desperation.  And that my friends, is a recipe for disaster.  At this time, it seems you are more sensitive to perceived judgment of your parenting style or the fact you are failing at it, and you may succumb to the peer pressure to try what you previously held strong beliefs against.  Because, because - no matter how much you love them, no one wants "that kid".  You may not openly admit that, but I believe that is true.

Can you tell age 3 has rocked my world?  Whew!  We have also had lots of life stuff going on all at the same time just to make it even more fun.  Reading some new books, the Ames & Ilg, of course, and also Raising Your Spirited Child, when I get the time.  Talking about it with my husband, my mother, and my friends helps.  But, interestingly enough, when I reach that point of breaching my initial ideals - I find they don't work, meaning she doesn't respond positively to it.  And that is a great lesson for me.  Follow your instincts!  And it helps to read posts like this so I can totally commiserate.  (and here is another that totally applies).

I am a big fan of gentle discipline (and have a million links if you are interested, but I won't make this a thesis) and usually all I need to do is read more and gain new insights, refuel myself, and gather more resources.  But at times of stress, this doesn't happen.  And when you have to escalate (yelling, threats, being physical - NO I have never hit her, relax) then that is a sign that things have changed and the old guard is no longer effective.  Here is where I found myself smack dab in the mid of our vacation.  I hate the disparity between what I want to do or say and what ends up happening and its ramifications!  Better since coming home and resuming "normalcy" and our routine.  Getting progressively better, with the occasional incident to let me know I need to continue to evolve my parenting style.

To further complicate matters, we are facing an impending deployment for my husband.  I am having a hard time with it, feeling very emotional and weepy, and really, truly, am almost heartbroken and afraid despite the fact this will be our 4th one.  But it is the first one as a family with a child.  And that element is GINORMOUS!!!  She is sensing things are off and is clingy beyond description, right back to mommylove all. the. time.   I understand, know it will pass, and am working hard to ensure I am meeting all of her needs (See?  I am learning something after 3 years!  Also see this post - making sure I hit all of them, although so much I want to write on that alone.  Used this successfully in the marriage arena).  We are taking the same approach with this as we did with the surgery - reading books about it, discussing feelings and talking about it matter-of-factly every day, actively doing projects, etc.  But I am seeing the effects, and it is coming out in her behavior as well.  I am trying to walk the fine line of empathy and gentleness, yet firmness with boundaries and limits (well I always am, but in this case particularly).  Tonight was particularly rough.  I am sure I will elaborate more as time draws near, but for now, keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

I am all over the map now, and getting increasingly tired.  I truly hope this reads coherent because at this point I make no guarantees!  SO MUCH going on, mostly good, but all this other background stuff, too.  I thank you for allowing me to empty my head of some of the clutter!  Any thoughts or insights are appreciated.  And, as always, much more to come.  Stay tuned!