Pruning and Patience

Spring finally feels as if it's arrived. Wow! What a reawakening from the dormancy of winter. I feel rejuvenated in a way that I haven't felt since Autumn. It is like I have come alive - there is just an energy that I am feeling right now. This makes me very happy. My poor brain is on overdrive!

I was pondering this during some alone, quiet time in the car today. Thinking about all the wonderful, exciting changes that are coming about in all aspects of my life. Everything seems to be falling into place and I am finally seeing some of the fruits of my labors. Although new projects and ideas keep finding me - I am so inspired lately. What really struck me was that a lot of what is now coming to fruition are things for which I have been striving for quite some time now. I used to spend a lot of time and energy "spinning my wheels" yet getting nowhere. I felt frustrated, stagnant, and pulled in so many directions that I couldn't find one direct path. Unsure. Anxious. Done.

And then it hit me. It was because I was trying to handle my own affairs instead of turning them over to God. He has a plan for me, and I was not checking in with Him. I was trying to forge my own path. Amazing how when I started relying on Him and trusting in Him how things seem to fall right into place. Not that prayer and faith absolve me of any responsibility, or that it is even magical for that matter. Quite the opposite, really. God created me, and he bestowed upon me many gifts for me to use in service to Him. And with the assistance of the Holy Spirit, my gifts become magnified. When I am aligned with Him, and seek Him in all matters, my path becomes clear - even if it looks different than I initially envisioned. When I branch out on my own accord, it is no wonder the path is strewn with thorns and rocks. This is one of those times in my life that I feel like the path has been laid before me wide open, and I am praying and talking to God constantly to see if this is indeed so. Mind you, nothing is handed to me - I am working very hard, but it is in a whole new light, not such a struggle. The doors that I had been banging my head against are all coming open. Ideas that have been fluttering on the edge of my consciousness are now forming into realities. Things that have been so elusive to me are now concrete realities. And the glory goes to God. I pray every day that people may see the face of Jesus in their encounters with me and that I may radiate His light.

Here at home, we are looking forward to a landscaper coming in and helping us prune and fix-up our embarrassingly neglected yard - which has so much potential to be beautiful. We mow the lawn and keep it "maintained", but sadly have let so much of it fall into disrepair (the nature, not the house). I have tried to add some plants to it to help spruce it up. All of my efforts were okay, but didn't get to the underlying matter. We needed to take the old, dead parts of the plants and remove them. We need to cut them back so they can grow bigger and fuller. All the while continuing to water and feed them.

Isn't this just like our relationship with God? So many times we just insist on it being our way, and our efforts eventually end up in vain. Sometimes we add things to our lives to "fill in" or "spruce things up", but that is essentially (pardon the crude expression) polishing a turd. We avoid the real issue of the work and landscaping we need to do on us - to allow God to do on us.  We need to prune ourselves and remove those old, dead parts, and be cut back.  It is not to destroy us or to "put us in our place" or punish - it is so we may grow bigger and fuller and richer lives in Him.  From the death and dormancy of Winter, comes alive and jubilant Spring.

This fall and winter I have gone through my pruning.  It started with some weeding in my marriage.  I then left my job, and with it stayed behind a ton of frustration, negativity, and angst that I am only now starting to realize isn't there.  And it is wonderful.  This winter, my brain still a-buzz with ideas, I experienced a dormant period with no real action or movement.  Status quo.  But now things are coming to fruition - the fear, negativity, failure, resentment, anger, etc that I had been feeling for so long (without really noticing it, they kind of took up residence) have been removed.  I have placed my trust in God over and over, and told Him my life was His to do with what He will.  And it is not always easy, sometimes it is downright hard to just get out of your own way.  It is human nature to try to dwell, second guess, and try to control.  Trust and patience are some things I constantly need to work on.  But when I do...OH when I do, I see results.  God had cut me back so I could grow into something bigger and better and richer.  And again, to Him be the glory.  Watch out world, I am blooming!

Today is the halfway point of Lent, between Ash Wednesday and Easter.  I am proud to say I have been keeping my Lenten promises for the most part.  I have been abstaining from wine during the week, and some days, oh how I miss it.  Especially on days like today when Emmy doesn't nap and the lovely day I had seems to go to crap.  But, Jesus, I love you more!  I have also been saying my rosary (just about) every day.  I have missed a few times due to a sick child, me not feeling well, or substituting it with something equally as reflective (this blog post which is turning into a novel).  And honestly, I am relishing this Lent.  I am making time for my devotions (3 times a day) and really trying to talk to God throughout the day about everything.  Obviously some days are better than others.  And I have had my share of bad days.  But, overall, I really feel a difference and the alignment for which I was searching.  The proof is in the pudding - things that I have been waiting to accomplish are suddenly coming together.  I am excited to continue my Lenten journey, keeping Holy the ordinary that is my life and journey.  And I certainly can't wait to celebrate the blossoming of Easter.  Pruning.  And patience.

[ So what are all these great and wonderful changes to which I am referring?  Well, they are a bunch of random things that range from totally ordinary and boring to new and exciting.  Here they are in no particular order:

• I have lost almost 20 lbs on Weight Watchers since the beginning of January.  Loving the program and super excited to keep making progress!

• My husband and I are FINALLY getting our house *done* the way we want it - after almost 2 years.  It's a good feeling!

• We are working as a team and communicating and loving in such a wonderful way!

• Getting the yard taken care of!  It is a total shame the state of disrepair we have allowed!

• Professionally I feel I am on the verge of some exciting things - I have just made myself an LLC and am now officially a small business owner.  I am working on a website now that I have a clear direction in which I am moving.  I have a TON of work to do with form creation, website design, writing a mission statement/philosophy, creating a class curriculum, etc.  FUN STUFF :)  I also am working on the Parish Nurse Ministry at my church and have a newsletter to write.  We are in contract negotiations for another project that will be HUGE for me professionally if it all works out, but will require an immense amount of time and dedication to complete.  And, AND, I am just about done with my other project - the tail end (was hoping to finish up this afternoon, but alas! it didn't happen.  I did get other things done though, so it was still productive time!)  As you can see, my to-do list is ever expanding.  And I LOVE it.

• With regards to parenting, here is another topic I could write a novel on (and someday will formulate the post rattling around in my head).  But I feel like we are coming out of a disequilibrium phase and into equilibrium for a while (I hope!).  My patience isn't always up to par, but I suspect that has to do with all these other factors.  There have been some changes I have wanted to make and I am implementing them, some slowly, some more abruptly.  But I am happy with them and feel they are positive - and being proactive makes me feel positive!  *more coming on this someday*

• Some of my relationships have been put on the back burner as I navigate through this journey of my ordinary, busy, everyday life.  There is only so much time in the day, no matter how much faith you have :)  But I am blessed with the most wonderful, understanding friends and family.  When I can only talk for a few minutes, we maximize and enjoy every second.  

• Personally, I just feel like I am in a really good place now.  Lots of room for improvement, but am in control as I am taking positive steps toward my own health and well-being in all aspects!  Rejoice in the Lord Always!]