Wit's End

I truly do not know what to do with my ever-willfull child! We are both struggling through so much of our routine and everything seems to be a battle of wills. No coats, no anything 3/4 of the way on her arm, no shoes, no socks, no bare feet, no vitamins/tylenol, no food! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Only on her terms. I realize this as a phase of her toddler development and knew it would happen. That I can actually handle. I guess what makes it so hard is her underlying frustration with EVERYTHING! I know she is just ready to be a big kid, but my goodness. If the dogs even look at her the wrong way, she is batting at them (to back them up) and screaming in their face! I particularly am a big fan of the perpetual whine and grunting.

Part of the problem (or a symptom?) is the fact she is resisting bedtime BIGtime (couple that with early night-wakings and sleeping like crap, very restless, even with us in our bed, and it is a nightmare). Our tried and true sleep training techniques are failing us (daddy had some success for a while as he has no milk to beg) and we are lost. It is 9:30 here and Eric just got her to sleep, on him in the rocker. Anyways, we have had a consistent, solid routine from day one, so that is not new. I guess I am wondering why all of a sudden. Is she afraid? How do I know? Despite being so verbal, would she even know what fear (as a feeling) was and how to communicate it? Is she and I am not picking up on it? Is she just being a stubborn, willfull toddler (that I can handle)? Is it teething (probably in part, #6 is making its way soon, but she refuses meds and it has never been this bad)? Is it because she will only sleep on me with a boob in her mouth for napping and most of the night (again, probably a big component of the issue, but what do I do when she is desperate for sleep? Her daycare provider can attest that she is PERSISTENT despite being utterly exhausted, as she has NEVER napped there as of yet)?

I just hate not knowing. In reality, it is a combination of all of these factors. But usually, sleep training has worked very very well for her/us. She got better sleep, we got our time and better sleep. So something is up. Even when she has tested us, it has not lasted this long or this persistently (the other night it took an hour to get her down, tonight, I can't even talk about!). We have also had big changes, like being busy, mommy started working, she is going to daycare, etc. Even when we have been home and together, because we are so busy (with her activities), maybe I am not giving her my undivided attention like I should. Life should slow down this week, hopefully and we should get into our routine (ha! Just in time for the holidays to eff us all up again!). I am trying to be gentle with her throughout all of these changes, but maybe I am not doing a good job,

And that is what is killing me the most, the thought that I may somehow be failing her. I read all of these blogs and the mothers are so intuitive and creative. I feel like those things do not come naturally to me and I hate that! I try, but realize that is not the case. And I am so afraid of "undoing" our sleep routine or setting a precedent, that I vacilate in my mind between just getting her and comforting her and doing "controlled crying" (my pendulum is swinging wildly between "attachment parenting" and "ferber", in those general ideas). And then I am frozen to come up with other possibililites, to find a middle ground which works in both our lives. I NEED the evening for her to fall asleep in her crib, that is my ONLY time. When she wakes around midnight, I am ready for bed and totally don't mind taking her with me.

So what to do? I hate when people say "trust your instincts" and "know your child" because for some reason, that is hard for me to do. I am with her so much and pride myself on being very in-tune with her, but these other mothers make these observations about their children and I have to stop and think what the heck do I do all day besides her, yet I don't even get it! (I know I shouldn't compare myself, but it is hard when I am having issues with her - the first thing to go is self-confidence and in comes doubt and questioning). Yet I have no individual approach, I resort to "cookie-cutter" parenting. There seems to be a barrier there that totally cuts off all creative thinking when it comes to my girl, which is why I love blogs and Ask Moxie.

I guess my point is that I also have an underlying frustration that I can't crack the code or the message my daughter is trying to tell me. What IS going on? If it is a normal stage/phase, I could obviously handle the crying and provide comfort. But what if she is in pain or afraid and I am trying to get her to fall asleep on her own? I guess a major clue is that she is so resistent this time, when we used to have success with that method. But from here, what? How do I accomplish getting her to sleep and still feel I can "baby" her with coming into our bed and me holding her naps? Or is that an impossible dream?

I am hoping with the settling of our schedules and some revised parenting - using some of our "old" tricks we may have gotten lax on: praising for doing well, correcting the behavior positively and not with knee-jerk responses, focused one-on-one attention in short periods through the day that don't just involve "milk", and offering choices more often to help her feel in control - that we can start to feel better about the daytime stuff. Now if anyone has input regarding the sleep, I would appreciate it. How would I know if she was afraid (and don't tell me to watch my child, sometimes I still can't tell if she will ramp up or wind down with a cry and she is 19 mos old!)? What about the naps (don't tell me to sleep train during the day either, as it is only a trauma for her and I)? Reassurance that I am not screwing her up for life?

I am sure in a few weeks, she will get used to daycare. I do talk to her about her day and prepare her before we go. I try to do this with everything. Maybe with some interventions during the day, nighttime will go more smoothly. For this we can only pray. I love her so much and try to be the best mommy I can to her. That is why I get distressed that I can't just "get it" the way I feel I should. Sorry for this rant, but it has been plaguing me. I want someone to come in and tell me "this is x,y,and z and this is how you handle it...". It is hard at this age before they can really tell you. Anyways, thanks for listening. I want to enjoy this stage and lately (AHA, big clue for me that I am failing, I am NOT particularly). I really want to continue to work, so will be happy that we can all SLOW down and get our bearings.

Hope this makes sense as my mind goes faster than my fingers and I am slightly frazzled! Hubby got her down finally in the crib, after 10 pm. Love him! So much for our romantic evening, though...