Does it need to be said?

I am sure it is fairly obvious now that I am taking a break from blogging here.  I may return sometime, and I might not.  Until then, enjoy your life!  I am.

Choo-Choo!

No time for brief blog posts as of late, let alone deep introspection.  Just chugging along on the ever-faster moving train toward the end of the school year.  Thank goodness we are approaching the final station, we are all exhausted.  Recital weekend and Kinder graduation over the next couple days, and my parents are flying in for it.  Should be awesome, yet tiring, but it is great to spend time with family.  SOOO looking forward to summer and a slower pace.

Hopefully I can get all my "stuff" wrapped up so I can get outside and play too!  Tired of "having stuff to do" but maybe that is just my life.  Making small progress, and as I always say, "Baby steps still get you where you want to go."  Heading in the right direction, for the win!

Stop my life...

I want to get off! 

No, just kidding, kind of.  I feel like everything is on fast forward lately, and I have so many things to do and no time to do it in.  Not enough time to be outside and play, not enough time for "down" time, not enough time to spend with the kids in the way I want to spend it. 

Trying not to focus too much on productivity; and in reality, it is only small stuff that is getting done, while the bigger stuff continues to loom and taunt me.  Baby steps, I keep reminding myself, still keep you moving in the right direction.

This week, however, I am going to make a concerted effort to stop "trying to get stuff done" and just get outside and play, and just do what I want with my kids.  We have only so much time, I don't want to waste it always "working".  That will always be there, my kids won't.

p.s.  I can't wait for summer - fun in the sun, and also we will be free!  Starting our homeschooling journey and really looking forward to it.  May dial back on some activities as well.  My good rhythm has me feeling too "on-the-go" lately, but maybe I just got a case of Spring Fever.

YES!

I LOVE this post, and pretty much sums up my first year or so with my daughter.  I was so restrictive and a slave to the routine.  SO glad I learned how to still keep rhythm and RELAX!  It is so much easier the second time around...

http://gentlemothering.blogspot.com/2012/11/my-biggest-mothering-lesson-just-relax.html

Trucking along

Nothing new to share, everything is status quo.  Here I am.  Feeling like I am always on the verge of accomplishing my goals and ideals for the house, project, homeschool, etc but I just can't quite get there.  Working on making Lent holy and improving the person I am, both inside and out.  Have some upcoming travel.  Hilighted my hair pink violet by my daughter's choosing.  Spent time looking at pictures today from when my girl was my son's age and it really took me back and made me feel "weird".  Realized that although my daughter was a really tough infant, my son is putting me through the ringer as a young toddler.  He was an "easy" baby, but she leveled out after about a year or so.  Going through a jealous phase now, of her with the baby.  I have minimal patience lately which only adds to the fun.  Working on all that and praying.  Reading and writing and trying to just be.  Sad Downton Abbey is over until next season (my hands-down favorite show EVER).  Considering getting my nose pierced.  Have a week off with the kiddos and trying to find fun things to do balanced with staying at home and relaxing.  My daughter didn't watch TV for 6 weeks and it was lovely.  Glad the sickies appear to be leaving, once she gets over her cold.  I don't read facebook hardly at all anymore and feel only remotely out of touch.  Realized I haven't even looked at Google Reader in over 6 months.  Going balls-to-the-wall Primal again tomorrow (I hope!).  Was doing good not spending money and have had a hiccup, time to get back on that wagon.  Never, ever enough time to get what I want done.  Trying to get to bed earlier, of which I clearly didn't succeed tonight.  Huh.  Look at that, I guess I always have something to share, now, don't I?

More later, lovies...

One (not so) Little Word

Reading this post reminded me that I had better get on my "one word" for 2013.  I mulled it over, prayed about it, but in the end, I came back with my first inclination; which incidentally is the same as the author's. 

HOME. 

So meaningful in so many ways.  I have been evolving toward this focus in so many different ways from years past, but now it has come to the forefront.  A lot of my goals and ventures are still the same as last year so I will spare us both writing more about it.  I am continually looking at avenues for improvement, and shoring up areas in which I have been slipping.  Always always always a balancing act.   I am finishing up a work project that will be my last for some time, even though I will still have some activities and events to attend after.  I am SO ready to be done. DONE.  I love the professional side of me, but realized at this time in my life, it is my ministry.  I can always focus on that once my kids are older.  I don't regret any of my choices, but now am ready for some different ones.   I have given up (mostly) reading my Facebook newsfeed, although I still run my "business" page and post on my personal page.  Mostly it is a great connection tool and address book, when I need it.  Other than that, the political, social, and other ideological crap is just getting to me and I don't think it is good to waste my precious time marinating my brain in that.

And since we are planning on homeschooling, home as my watchword is really a good choice for us as a family.  I am constantly changing the look of the house based on feel and functionality.  Usually it is in a state of flux, never quite completed due to time constraints with activities and small children (who especially of late aren't giving mommy her nap-time respite!).  My brain is on fire with plans and projects for the upcoming school year, and already budgeting for school supplies, curricula, and other materials.  We are all really excited about this!

 We have a good working rhythm of the house, and I am hoping to get it where I'd like appearance wise. Enjoyed gardening last year, will be happy to start again once the ground thaws.  Emily enjoys working with me in the kitchen, and we have done a lot of baking, canning, and food prep.  I look forward to expanding this as we have more time at home next year.  All part of the learning process!   As far as with our faith, I am amazed watching my daughter blossom in her understanding of our God and Jesus, and our Catholic faith.  We are MUCH more involved and comfortable in our church here, and I look forward to deepening my own personal faith and devotional practices.  Coming home to my self and my higher power.  Relationships with each other continue to take priority and we model what we'd like to see with our own behavior.  We are trying to be the change we wish to see in the world, and doing our part for world peace by encouraging love and respect in the home. Our conscious choices regarding consumerism, food/nutrition, the environment, and parenting remain the same, and we continually are educating ourselves and learning learning learning.  Money - well, a work in progress, but we have a solid plan.  Not where we want to be, but we are on our way.  Baby steps.  Enough said. 

Bottom line, we enjoy being together as a family, even with no agenda or itinerary.  We just like each other's company (well, most of the time anyways).  It is a time for us to turn inward toward ourselves and each other.  I envision home to mean a comfortable, safe place where one actually wants to be; a sanctuary, a retreat, a landing spot.  This year, my focus is to create that place anew.

This time of year

Is NOT my favorite!  The letdown after the holidays, trying to regain some normalcy, the cold, long, dark days and nights which don't feel *as* cozy as they did the month before...  Ah. I could go on and on.

Add to this my son has just had all four molars break through, had the croup/cold, decided to stop sleeping his predictable way and times, and is now going through a mommy-love phase where he must be on me or right up against me.  Yeah.  I have made my peace (sort of) with no free-time at the moment hoping it is just a phase, but I have a HUGE project coming to completion next month and have serious reservations about getting it all done.  Nevermind the house and the homeschool reading I plan on doing, etc etc etc.  Plus I have a little PTSD remembering how Emily used to be! 

In all seriousness, Eric is immensely supportive and I am hanging on.  I am oh so very blessed to have good friends both near and far, who talk me down on a daily basis!  My kids and husband, although frustrating at times, bring me the greatest moments of peace and joy and I thank God every single day for allowing me to do this "job".  This too shall pass, this I know.  I just hope it is in time to get my work done in a timely manner!  :)

Oh, I am praying and reflecting on my watchword (one word focus) for 2013.  When I get another 2 seconds I will update you once it is revealed to my heart and mind.

Happy New Year!

Shifting

So, about the exciting news you've all been on the edge of your seat for?  Here it is!  We have made the decision to homeschool our daughter next year.  Disappointed?  We aren't!  Actually it is something we are growing more excited about as time goes on.  We are going to give it a shot for first grade and see how we like it.  If it doesn't work, we can always enroll her someplace.  We have many reasons for wanting to homeschool, and it has been on the periphery of my mind for some time.  We will never know unless we try.  You can follow our journey at Homemade Learning.

Other than that, life is chugging along, mostly at an alarming speed.  I have a kindergartener now, a one year old (when the heck did that happen?!?), the holidays are approaching, I am in the throes of finishing a professional endeavor (for which I am more than SO ready to be DONE with already), and we are trying to get back on track with eating and such before the food coma season hits!  That is really it in a nutshell.  We are feeling busy and my job is to balance it all out, and I am being pulled to purge and simplify yet again, which is a good thing!  Currently I am feeling out of whack with regards to the house, our eating, habits, clutter, our schedule, etc, so it is time to shift the pendulum more toward the middle.

I absolutely LOVE Thanksgiving and am ready for this holiday, not only as the harbinger of the Christmas holidays, but as a time of reflection, love, and gratitude.  Looking forward to next week, but have some major work to do before then!  And, as is usually the case, I feel like I am going nowhere fast.  But, as with life, if I just keep chugging along, I will get there.

More to come, I always have something on my mind or heart that I'd like to share, it is just finding the time at the computer to get it out that is the problem.  Wishing you all joy, love, and thankfulness next week and through the weeks to come!



***I may have a small problem with creating new blogs :)  Especially when I am sporadic, at best, with updating the ones I have now!  For some reason having my personal blog, my family blog, and the homeschool blog all separated make sense to me, while in reality it is enmeshed in one big jumble of life!  Maybe it is my way of making sense of it all, to compartmentalize it.  Other friends blog about everything in one place, but I guess my brain likes to have unique spots for each.  I will keep it this way for now, because it works, but when it doesn't anymore, I will change it!

On the horizon...

Something exciting to share (nope, not pregnant!) and I will soon!  Stay tuned!

More

I have been taking notes on things I eventually hoped to blog about including some profound insights, and I keep wanting to write this amazing blog post with links.  However, I think that is what is preventing me from actually getting out my thoughts.  So, now I sit here with both kids in bed (for the moment) with my glass of wine, and I am just going to write, and hope at the end of it all it makes sense.

Lately (for the last 1.75 yrs) I have had a harder time parenting my daughter.  This is very frustrating to me as I strive to be a gentle parent.  At the end of the day, my daughter knows she is loved unconditionally, or so I hope, but I wonder what messages and lessons are sticking with her that would make me cringe.  Not that I am in any way abusive, but it is just so far from where I would like to be, it is maddening.

If there is a word to describe my girl, it would be more.  She was born not wanting, but needing, more of me.  She had to be on me or nursing to sleep.  She needed me to hold her, sit with her, be with her literally all. of. the. time.  Even as young as 2 weeks, she would scream if she wasn't with me or if someone else tried to take her.  Even with me, she sometimes still cried.  I went dairy free and tried every colic remedy in the book, to figure out what was wrong with her; and 5 years and another child later, I still have no answers.  I think she has a very sensitive nature and just needed some major help adapting.  She is also a very bright and perceptive child, and is in her own head a lot.  I felt very attached to her, literally and figuratively, in both good and bad ways.  It was tough on me, luckily I had (and still do) a very supportive husband who understood that my only job could be to care for her.

 I often felt an unspoken sort of judgement that I wasn't doing things the "right" way, because if I was, she certainly wouldn't be this way, right?  If I just set her down more, fed her formula and didn't nurse all the time, got her out of my bed, trained her to sleep, left her more often, socialized her more, had a better routine, fed her rice cereal, let her fuss a bit, didn't medicate her, did medicate her, on and on and on...  I felt at times like I couldn't do anything right.  A lot of this may have been perceived due to my own mental state, so I am not sure how realistic it is, but I did feel a lot of pressure.  Ultimately I did what I felt was right, which was extended breastfeeding, babywearing, and cosleeping.  Until the day she started crawling and I had a meltdown because now I didn't even get the 10-15 minutes of her playing happily with toys as a break anymore, I had to chase her (because when I say she needed me all the time, that is no exaggeration!).  This is when all the sleep training peer pressure crept in, and I allowed myself to believe it. 

So, I caved, and went at it whole hog with the help of my mother (whom we were living with at the time).  It was awful.  She doesn't just cry, she would (for any thing, big or small) go from 0 to 60 in 0.0003 seconds.  (no differentiating cries here, it was one cry and one cry only.  DISTRESS!!!)  So that just sucked.  My daughter was going through a bout of separation anxiety and the 9 month sleep regression, and had I not almost lost my marbles, I know I never would have even considered it (so please don't revoke my AP card).  My situation led up to it, and I let myself get too far into it to try any gentler methods.  I was on the couch after bath with her in my lap until bedtime, where she slept with me and I couldn't even go pee alone without her squalling.  So I really just needed some me-time before I went crazy.  I was still very AP during the day and continued to wear her, nurse her on cue, etc.  It took a long time, getting better gradually each night, but she finally fell asleep on her own when I put her in the crib.  I had to use "the method" occasionally off and on to "remind" her, so it wasn't even a do-it once and you are all good type thing.  This is one of my biggest regrets of my life.  Here I thought it was me, that my mommy instincts were broken and I was doing something wrong, not reading her cries, etc and now I see so much of this is just her inherent personality.  And I am so worried that in doing so, I created stress and anxiety in a child who is so clearly predispositioned to it.  I can't go back, I can't change it, but I most certainly will NEVER do that to another baby.  I try to forgive myself, but I think some level of doubt will always be there.  I will always wonder if I made it worse.

That is some background.  Now, as a soon-to-be kindergartener, she HATES to be alone and has a hard time even playing by herself, despite her toys, projects, and games.  Unless she is pooping, she detests to the point of freak-out being by herself in a room with the door closed,.  Hmmm...wonder why?  To some degree she has always needed to be in close physical proximity to me, but did I push something over the edge with the damn ferberizing???  Anyways, she goes to Montessori school and does beautifully there.  She is independent but also loves working in small groups with her friends, which is in the nature of that schooling.  She does children's church, camps, bible school, playdates, and one-sleep overs with family without me and she does great.  But at home, she is SO needy of one of us, and no matter how much time we spend one-on-one, it is never enough and she demands more.  At night, she needs someone to lie with her to fall asleep (which is fine).  Around 3 years old, when my husband deployed, she came back into my bed and ended up there the whole deployment.  We added my husband back 7 months later, and all of us shared the family bed, and that has been healing for me.  I got pregnant shortly after he got back, and after I delivered, he moved into her room with her, while I share with my son.  And that is our current arrangement.  Both rooms have king size beds, my husband sleeps with her and I with the baby.  It works for now.  My husband gets frustrated at times, but under no circumstance will I ever put her through something like that again.  I just won't.  It was something that was a product of where I was in my life at the time, I feel guilt over it, but now I know better.  (that turned into sort of a confession.  Thanks for letting me unload.  Even some of the earlier blog posts just make me cringe.  I considered deleting them, but decided that it was all a part of the evolution of who I am today.  For better or for worse, I guess.  Maybe I can let some of it go now?)

Aside from all of that, she had a very persistent personality.  She has always been a girl who knows her own mind, and is not deterred easily.  She has spirit, and I love that about her.  As a toddler, I was challenged as any new mom is, but had no issue with discipline.  I used gentle principles and understood age-appropriate behavior, so it was all okay.  But it seemed like when she turned 3.5 all hell broke loose.  Of course my husband was on deployment and I was solo parenting.  Some of my darkest parenting days were during that time.  Got a bit better at four, plus daddy was home again.  Then came the pregnancy, getting our house ready to sell, some pregnancy drama, the birth, a move, a new school, daddy home all the time (when he was hardly ever home before), and getting adjusted to a new role in the family and a new place.  YIKES!  I was stressed the hell out, I can't even imagine how she felt.  So we have had a lot going on.  At 5, her personality and behavior is still just so INTENSE.  And that is hard.  Watch out if things don't go her way!  We have a strong household/family rhythm to our days, I have simplified, she has loving boundaries, offered healthy foods, etc.  Some part of me suspects a food intolerance/allergy, although I have never really been able to make a strong correlation (may have her blood tested to check immune response).

Now there is nothing wrong with her.  It is just who she is, I would just like to modulate her responses a bit.  Her teachers would probably never even believe me if I told them how she was at home sometimes.  I guess I expected it to get easier as she got older and out of the new baby/needy stage.  But it is just different, and sometimes harder.  I find it is not as easy to be gentle as it was in the baby/toddler years and I lose my patience quite frequently (although she totally knows how to push buttons as well, trust me!)  Over the last couple months I have read 10 parenting books, yes, seriously.  Most were helpful, a few I LOVED and am still working through, one not so much.  The main points overlap so I am just taking what I find helpful from each (a skill I obviously have learned over time, wish I could have done that with all the damn sleep books I read when she was a baby, but I digress!).  But it seems like when I am reading these books, my parenting actually gets worse in the meantime, a lot of reacting versus responding.  It is frustrating because the reality of my parenting as of late looks a hell of a lot different than my ideals and I HATE it.  I am trying to change.

What bothers me the most is I used to find it so easy to connect with her, and at times I wonder if this is indeed that same baby who just couldn't be a part from me for 2 minutes while I used the bathroom solo.  She is very close with her dad now, which is a beautiful thing, and is gaining independence in ways which are healthy and normal.  But, outside influences from school, etc, creep in.  All of this is natural and okay, but I hate finding myself at a loss in the middle of a situation in which I have lost all control.  And my personality doesn't like that at all, and then I get all my father on her, which is not productive.  (btw, I love my dad and we have a great relationship.  But he is a cop and has a certain way about him that I can just channel when I feel it necessary, many times unknowingly until after the fact.  Crazy genetics).   I love, understand, and totally "buy into" the whole concept of respecting your child, positive discipline, etc.  I don't believe in physical violence, time outs, belittling, and yelling and can't understand how that teaches a child anything.  But boy when she won't stop hitting or yelling or laughs in my face when I correct her, ohymygoodgracious, I could go all exorcist on her, let me tell you.  And there are times I have.  Again, regrets, but it is a learning process and I am trying to do better.

A lot of it is us, I think we have fallen into some "conventional" ways of speaking/disciplining despite our best intentions, (use of rewards, taking away priveleges, etc).  So it is a practical matter of methodology in some ways; in others, it is a perspective shift and an understanding that is missing.  It used to be so easy to get there, and as she gets older, it is harder and harder.  And that scares the bejesus out of me.  I want to have an attached child, especially during the school years/adolescence with all the crazy that has been going on out there; and I am just afraid we are heading down a bad path, so I am trying to redirect and change course.  I don't know how to get there in myself, and it is disappointing and maddening.  This I think is the root of the problem, once I can correct myself, then ultimately the house follows suit.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time with it.  I have prayed, read, meditated, etc and I just can't seem to get there.

Having another child (who is insanely almost a year old already), and doing the same AP practices as I did with my daughter, has been very eye-opening for me.  He is SO much easier, everyone says that he is the happiest baby they have ever seen.  He is smiley and laid back - the kid got 2 teeth and I didn't even know!  But it really drives the point home that this is a personality issue with my daughter in so many ways.  I wonder if there is some aspect of the way that I was parented which is causing some of my own issues with her now, but nothing obvious comes to mind.  I don't know, something just needs to change.

I spent a lot of time of her infancy in doubt, and as she's gotten older, in regret of the sleep training.  Especially given her sensitive nature.  But, it is not only genetics, it is environment.  And while that makes me cringe thinking about ferberizing, I also did a lot for her by practicing Attachment Parenting in all the other aspects.  Maybe that balances it all out?  Maybe she is confident and independent because of all that?  I don't know.  I try.  And, I believe I AM a good mom, not because I always get it right, but because I keep showing up every blessed day, and I keep trying to do better.

My daughter is intense, spirited, mercurial, and sensitive - my challenge!  But she is also funny, joyful, smart, lovable, curious, enthusiastic, and insightful.  She pushes every limit I have, and I do not doubt for one second that God put her here on earth for me to become a better person!

_________________________________________________________

I was talking to a man somewhere and he was telling me about his grandchildren.  He said, "I enjoy them so much more than I did my own kids.  You know, you are always busy and working when they are younger.  I love my grandkids!"  And while I felt very happy for his grandkids, my heart felt very sad at that statement.  I want to enjoy my kids NOW!  I don't want to look back and say, "well, here's to grandkids since I got no time with my own kids!"  Our life is very conducive to slowing down and really appreciating our life and our blessings.  Can there be improvements?  Sure.  And trying to keep it simple is still a huge priority.  I want to get myself to a place where I can parent more confidently and have a more open mind and heart. I want to be present.  I want to create joy and cultivate gratitude.  I want to be here.  Maybe this should be my focus, while keeping my face turned upward for guidance.  We'll see how it goes, I will keep you posted.  If you have stayed with me to the end of this, I thank you for "listening".  It felt good to clear myself of these cobwebs.  I only hope it was semi-coherent!

Upheaval

The month of June has seen the return of my father from his 7 month deployment, my mother joining him up here for 2 weeks, Emily finishing school, my husband playing on a softball team, revamping the playroom (again), tremendous heat for this area as of late, Oliver not wanting to sleep (hello 9 month sleep regression), and my husband needing minor surgery for an injury from said softball game.  As one can well imagine, we are FAR off our family rhythm.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing for a short time, but we are so out of whack.  ALL of us.  Having the preschooler home is wonderful, but since my parents were here prior I got nothing done and now am trying to play catch up with the house stuff and myriad projects I am in the midst of.  And it looks nothing like I thought in my head of how our summer would be.  This week is a wash anyways so we will try again.  And again.  She has camp next week so at least she will get some fun activities.  I also forgot how confounding a baby can be, especially one that actually naps.  Hopefully we will get our kiddie pool up and running and some sand for the sand box so at least home can have some fun outdoor activities when he is sleeping (and awake).  It has been super hot here the last 2 days and I have been miserable!  I don't care how hot it is outside, but I also don't want it to match the inside of my house.  My stomach hurts, I feel fat and swollen, am craving carbs, and have absolutely no energy.  Plus I am a total bitch when I am hot.  Woke up this morning after sleeping poorly (we all did at a balmy 87 degrees), and was mad to feel hung over without any fun to show for it.  And like on purpose my baby has been extra clingy, needing me and my lap, even if not necessarily to nurse.  Can you say sweaty?!?  My husband said it was a good thing he wasn't with me when I was deployed to Kuwait!  Anyways, I really need to get back to Primal eating where I feel sooooo much better.  Amazing how carbs and crap are so addicting,  like crack (or what I hear about it anyways, I have no firsthand knowledge.)  Thank God my summer CSA has started and we are eating lovely food (when Iam home and on track enough to cook).  Desperately need to find a rhythm for summer that works for everyone and lets me accomplish what I need, including family fun time.  Thankfully we also splurged on some window units so I can be functional and not just a catastrophe.  Lots to work on,  and we will get there.  The pendulum will equilibrate eventually.  On the meantime I am trying not to be so overwhelmed and take it day by day.  Sorry this post is whiny but I needed to vent.  Also it is a run on paragraph as I am blogging from my phone and the keyboard isn't working.  I have a good one I am pondering that sort of keeps evolving and when I find time to conceptualize what it is I am trying to say, AND then find the time to get it out of my head onto the screen, it will have a bit more substance.  Now my little nursling is asleep, I am going to attempt to put him down.  Wish me luck!

Unfinished

I have about 3 unfinished posts swirling in my head and scribbled on scraps which I am hoping someday to get up here.  Right now I must tend to my teething wakeful baby.  Until then...

Yep!

 

 

Bringing Lent to Life

(This is a repeat post from my family blog, I apologize to any dual readers.  For some reason, blogger is being funny about me uploading the pics,  I will work on that and will update.  The narrative is still good, for now.)

This year we used a book called Bringing Lent to Life to help Emily understand what it is all about. It is a fabulous book for parents and children to really bring the idea of Lent home with tangible projects.  Our ongoing project was our Lent Tree.  We started with it plain and had different activities in the book every week to put on the leaves.  We also made flowers of different colors to represent praying for people, petitions, and praise (blessings).  We discussed different topics each week, and it is written just for kids so you don't have to think of what to say on your own.  Super helpful! 

For Holy Week, (and especially since the Mass times didn't work for our family), we had different activities as well.  Holy Thursday we read the Last Supper from her children's bible and passed around bread (plastic since we don't eat it anymore!) and wine and shared a sip, representing the eucharist.  Eric then washed our feet, and then Emily returned the favor for him!  Good Friday I didn't get a picture, but the table was clothed in red with our crucifix on it.  We read the Passion from her bible and said a prayer of thanks.  Holy Saturday we had flowers and a candle, and read about the Resurrection.  And Easter we feasted in celebration :)  I loved doing this and plan to make it a tradition.

Emily was SO INTO Jesus and learning about her faith and hearing more about His life, it was so cool!  She had so many questions and I loved seeing how her mind worked.  We read a story book about Jesus' life and all the miracles he performed.  She attends Children's Church every week at Mass and really does pay attention, trying to absorb and understand what is being said.  On Palm Sunday, we watched The Jesus Movie, a cartoon based on the gospels which is fabulous and appropriate.  She watched it twice and we talked about different parts, tying it in to what she has heard or read about elsewhere.  In addition to our nightly prayers, we started doing "love letters."  This was originially an idea in the Lent book but instead of writing out letters weekly, we chose to say something that we love about each member of our family every night.  This was such a great exercise and really helped us be specific in the ways we appreciate and love on another.  My Lenten Promise was to say the rosary ever day, which I did pretty consistently, and Emily was fascinated with the whole thing and wanted to learn it.  I gave her one of mine from when I was a kid, which had blue beads for the Our Fathers and pink for the Hail Marys.  It helped her see how to do it.  She actually prayed a whole rosary with me twice and we said countless decades in the car.  Our chuch had a Good Friday camp this year and I kept Emily from school so she could attend.  They painted and did a kids' Stations of the Cross, and completed a booklet on the events from Palm Sunday until the Resurrection.  They also made Resurrection Eggs, which was another activity in the Lent book, but I knew they were doing it at camp.  They are 12 plastic eggs with reminders of the story of Christ in each egg, 11 items like a nail, cross, leather cord (whip), etc, and the twelfth is empty to signify the tomb.  Emily continues to look at them and show us daily.  It was a really enriching experience for her and I am glad she went. 

Watching her attempting to grasp concepts of her Faith and growing in her knowledge and love for Jesus was amazing for me and really boosted my own journey to the cross.  I plan on using that book every year as I think it really sets Lent apart as a special time, and not just about giving something up.  It also brings home the point that Easter is about the Resurrection of our Lord, NOT the bunny, eggs, and baskets.  (although that can be a fun part of celebrating, it is not the true meaning.  Much like Christmas.)  It was a great experience and a really cool thing to witness as a parent and I look forward to finding more ways that we can grow as a family in our faith and closer to God.

Timeline

Tonight is the eve of my daughter's 5th birthday.  It is a huge deal, as she will now be a whole hand!  Plus, it seems like she is so big now, it is weird.  I feel like we are crossing some threshhold. 

I was laying with her tonight, putting her to sleep, and spending her last night of being 4 snuggled up together.  I was recounting the story of her birth while I rubbed her face.  Her big eyes were shining in the glow of the nightlite as she listened intently to my words.  When I was done, she asked me, "Is that the end of my story, Mom?"  I told her no, that it was only just the beginning.  Every day is a new page, each year a chapter. "Make it a good book, babe."

And my wish for her is that she does.

Lenten Work

Lent is well upon us now.  When reflecting on what I would sacrifice/do extra during this season, I thought that I would try to add exercise into the mix of my quest for ever improving health and wellness.  "Your body is a temple" and all that.  I tossed around quite a few others, as well.  However, it occurred to me that I never thought to ask God what I should do.  So in praying about it, I had the answer to start saying the rosary daily.  It makes total sense, considering I have been feeling a bit distant from my faith and faith practices.  Thanks, God, for the 2x4, I can always count on You!

I have always been fascinated by the rosary, but had a hard time with it due to the rote prayers and my wandering mind.  So, I ordered this book and am reading it now, and have just started saying the rosary. It isn't perfect, and I still struggle to reign in my thoughts and focus, but is something I am finding very peaceful, calming, and almost meditative.  The author discusses all this in her book and it really gives a good perspective on the practice, and I especially love the idea that Jesus doesn't care if I do it "perfectly".  He sees all our efforts.  I will keep trying to hone this practice as well.

As for finding the time, I found this awesome app for my phone and it comes in very handy to capture those extra minutes, when I don't have actual beads handy, and as a guide for all the prayers.  When my son falls asleep in the car, I say a rosary.  At night when the house is quiet and all are asleep, when I am nursing my baby, etc etc.  I may not get to say the whole thing at once, either, and that is okay.  Again, God knows I am trying.  And, like I always say, life is about progress, not perfection.

So, I will let you know how it all goes.  So far so good, I have been faithful, although there have been a few days that have been skipped due to life and circumstances.  I am also reading through a few Lenten and Catholic Mommy devotionals to help focus me inward and toward the cross during this season.  (Which is especially good during this political season, FB has been absolutely hurting my brain lately!  I very rarely read anything because I find it overstimulating.)

I wish you all a very holy and blessed Lent!  Best of luck on your own journey to the cross.

Lent

Have been traveling and making memories, so am just noodling on my Lenten Promise and post.  But I found this little poem very uplifting.  Enjoy!

I made this!

Using only my fingers.  Finger crocheting is very appealing to me as I only need the yarn and my own two hands.  My husband keeps asking why I don't use a hook, but I am not that coordinated.  I saw a blog post and watched a few youtube videos on how to do it.  I did not use a pattern, am not entirely sure I was doing the "correct" stitching, and it is chock full of mistakes (uneven ends in a few spots, some visible knots, and one little 'hole').  But there is something satisfying about working the yarn with your hands and having something to show for it.  I found my groove in my own way of doing it.  Despite the mistakes, I think it came out pretty, and will still keep my bear cub warm!  It was made with love, and intention, for him, often while I was nursing him.  Working on this has been therapeutic, I forgot how much I enjoy 'crafty' working with my hands and how relaxing it is, simultaneously clearing my mind and bringing clarity and focus.  Next up, a pretty purple and pink blanket for my little bear.  As she said when I showed her the finished product, "It is SO cozy, mom!  Can I sleep with mine every night?"  Not perfect, but I enjoyed doing it, and am proud of the finished product.  Sort of a metaphor for life, no?

Going Primal

I have mentioned on here that our family has made some big changes with regards to how we think, eat, and consume our food.  Normally, I eat pretty healthy, but this past year was not my best and we ate out a lot (both good and fast food).  About 2/3 of the way through my pregnancy I developed a nasty little Coke habit, one that cost me a cavity, and more than a few pounds I am sure.  It wasn't long after I had my little cubby that we were living in a hotel, moving, and getting settled in a new house/area.  Then it was the holidays.  Oh, the cookies that were made here!  I started feeling a bit like a sugar addict, craving all sorts of the badness that tastes so good when it hits your lips!  I didn't like how I felt, or looked, and knew it was time for a change.

I read Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson and it was a easy and great read that flies in the face of everything you have ever learned about nutrition and exercise (Conventional Wisdom).  Backed up by science, it focuses on eating real food (not processed), minus sugar, trans-fats, grains, and legumes - just like primal man did before the age of agriculture when all of today's chronic illnesses and epidemics got started.  It was pretty much a summation of all different nutrition, exercise, and lifestyle information that I had been researching the last couple of years.  It brought it all together in one place and was the first "diet" book that was really and truly about a lifestyle change.  The author asserts there are 10 ways of being Primal in the modern world:

1.  Eat lots of animals, plants, and insects (no bugs here, thank you!)
2.  Move around a lot at a slow pace
3.  Lift heavy things
4.  Run really fast once in awhile
5.  Get lots of sleep
6.  Play
7.  Get some sunlight every day
8.  Avoid trauma (be smart, seatbelts, etc)
9.  Avoid poisonous things (McDs, anyone?)
10.  Use your mind

So really, only the first one is about the actual diet, although it probably is the biggest component.  The rest is how you move, think, act, and be in the world.

Many people, when they hear of how we have changed, say, "I couldn't do it."  My response is that I couldn't either, until I did.  And honestly it is a lot easier eliminating a whole food group than counting calories, eating fake food, or counting points.  I did a complete overhaul on our cupboards, throwing or giving everything away with hydrogenated oils, trans fats, canola and other vegetable oils, flours, grains, high-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, genetically-modified organisms, etc.  We buy and eat a ton of meat, fish, poultry, vegetables and fruit, and nuts.  We buy mainly organic, local, grassfed, pastured meats, eggs, poultry, and pork.  I cook just about everyday and we eat primarily out of our fridge and off the counter.  Real, fresh food.  And it tastes great and is very simple.  We both feel amazing and have taken off about 10 lbs each.  Eric has 2 inches gone from his waist in a month.  We aren't super hungry anymore either, and we eat until we are satisfied, which is a lot less than we ate before - just naturally.  Eric's migraines are almost gone, and he has more energy.  For me, I just feel good!

We have had a few "treats" here or there, but honestly very rarely ever feel the urge to stray.  And if we do, it is more of a thought than a "omg, I must have that NOW" type feeling I've had on other programs.  I have also had to give up dairy due to Oliver's sensitivities, so that has been a big change.  I miss cheese, (and could technically have quality full-fat cheese with this way of eating), but found substituting coconut milk for smoothies, and creamer is working just fine.  I find it much better to focus on what we CAN have, which is pretty much anything else.  We eat plenty of great meat, use plenty of fat in our cooking (extra virgin olive oil, coconut oil, ghee, and butter - just call me Paula!), and haven't met a roasted vegetable we didn't like!

It has only been a month, but I can truly see this being a very long-term thing for us.   Personally, I need to incorporate the exercise portion (which is hard with a baby and the winter up here), but I do pretty well with all the others, most of the time.  We aren't perfect, and even the author says to shoot for 100%, knowing you will realistically hit the 80% mark.  And I am cool with that.  And how can you not love a program in which you indulge in a glass of red wine with some dark chocolate every night?!?

I really encourage you all to read the book, but I will warn you - it slaps conventional wisdom right in the face.  Eat fat to lose fat?  Saturated fat is healthy for you?  Carbs are ruining your body and your hormonal sensitivities?  YES, all true.  Open your mind, and if you decide to give it a shot, I'd LOVE to hear your experiences.


****Of course, I am totally a Primal Mother (extended breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing, etc) but that is a post for another day :)  See, it all ties in so nicely!

Simply 2012

This will be a year of rebuilding (and creating new infrastructure) for us, in many ways.  Especially after the big upheaval with 2011:  a husband home, but not really; a pregnancy with some minor complications, the whole process of the house being ready/shortsale; the move; and the holidays.  The move, so long an endpoint, is now well over and has given us a fresh start.  I have already told you how much I am loving my life right now, and I don't want to be redundant.  But as I did last year, and promised a few weeks ago, I will give you my word for 2012. 

I have a bunch that came to mind, so here is the list:

• health
• calm
• balance
• home (as a place of refuge)
• family
• simple

I finally settled on simple, or simplify, as I feel it best encompasses all these areas, really.  My life has slowed down and it feels REALLY good.  I didn't realize that I was so busy!  I sort of feel like the pendulum is swinging the other way right now, and that is a good thing.  This year I want to focus on being, not doing.   Here is a quick run-down on how I plan on simplifying each area of my life:

Home:  I am continuing the pre-move purge into the post-move purge, and just continuing to streamline.  This is and will always be a work in progress, and I probably still have more than enough, but for me as long as it is practical and visually appealing, it can work.  Currently I am reorganizing the playroom and creating a rotating toy library, which is A LOT of work but I think is good for everyone in the house.  I hired a lovely cleaning lady that comes every 2 weeks so I can complete the day-to-day tasks and still have time to enjoy my babies.  We are working on a good rhythm of our house and also limiting media consumption in all forms.  This is going pretty well, and has sort of happened naturally, which is nice.

Relationships:  We wrote, and are trying to live out, our Family Mission Statement.  A huge focus is on parenting, connection with one another (all of us), and our marriage.  Family comes first in lieu of involvements and commitments to the best of our ability.  We are spending quality family time with one another.  Totally loving being a mom of 2 and family of four, I feel like I am "becoming", fulfilling my potential as a mother.  This truly is a vocation!

Faith:  This has been an area which is faltering for us.  Not our faith per se, but our practice of it.  It has been hard to leave a parish with which we identified as our home.  Everything about that church I miss - the people, the priest, the songs, the community, the activities, etc etc etc.  Our new church here is just fine, nothing will ever compare to what we had.  And so we find ourselves less than excited and it definitely affects how we worship.  SO, now we need to get back to basics.  I need to remember that my faith doesn't need to "look" or "be" a certain way, and that we may be going through this for some reason.  I need to just make it simple by praying without ceasing, and realizing my faith in a whole new way now.  Other than just talking with God, I am working on some more ways to make this more of an active part of our lives.

Work:  Eric has moved to a regular job and life feels much more normal!  As for me, I am not doing my breastfeeding group here, but did find one to attend, and may end up teaching some childbirth classes in a few months.  I am not doing my private practice, and I miss all of that so much.  I am still working on completing my project, but simplifying leaves room for that.  Julia Cameron said, "The creative process is a process of surrender, not control."  And I have to open myself up to that.

Health:  I addressed most of this in my post about how I am digging it here.  A big focus is on our lifestyle right now, and we have totally changed the way we eat.  Eric and I have just about completely cut sugar and grains (including corn and legumes) out of our diets and are concentrating on eating primally.  Eric's migraines are gone and we have never felt better.  We simplified to eat slow, real food and not processed crap.  Sometimes it is more work, and definitely more money, but well worth it!  We buy fresh, local, organic when we can, and have access to fabulous grocery stores, CSAs, and Farmer's Markets here.  We are also continuing in our green efforts in an effort to reduce waste - some new things, we have given up our microwave and are now composting.  If it works, I may also try gardening, but we will see.  As far as exercise, we just need to move!  Just walk, play, yoga, and TTapp, who knows?  I just have to get started.  Nothing fancy, just keepin' it simple.

Finances:  Ugh.  LOTS of work here thanks to our continuing shortsale process (don't even get me started, it has been a trial) and the move.   Our plan is to Dave Ramsey it up once this house deal closes.  And we get our tax return.  Simple - pay down our newly acquired debt, tank up savings, and invest.  Baby steps.

In some ways, the move and the life we lead here begets and fosters these changes just because of circumstances.  Its a good, coming together feeling.  Like I can practice and live how I have wanted to.  I already feel like we are on a solid path, but continue on our journey of ever-improving.  This post isn't as eloquent as I'd like or even how I saw it in my head, but I just wanted to get the ideas down someplace other than scribbles in a notebook.  This is it, folks, home and family, with a random smattering of friends and activity here and there.  This is our time to rebuild.

"Be Still and Heal"  ~ Thich Nhat Hanh