By Request

First off, I would just like to say that I am shocked that anyone besides my sister, or possibly even my husband, is reading this blog. Crazy!

Anyways, about my high-needs little girl. I say that with great love, by the way, but it is oh so true! For what it is worth, I will tell you my story. (By no means am I giving advice as health-care professional, only stating what worked for me as a mom). Take it with a grain of salt and maybe some of the suggestions will work for you.

BREASTFEEDING:
I was really very very lucky in this regard. My daughter was like a pirrana in the early weeks and we had the normal struggle with latch and constant nursing. I used a ton of lansinoh and kept at it. Then we went through the 6-8 week gastrointestinal hell and eventually she was diagnosed with reflux (although now I am questioning if it was really that at all). I think I had oversupply issues and a fast let-down that would practically drown her. I worked with positioning her upright or sidelying and it seemed to help a little. Sometimes she just wanted to suck, and not get milk, so I used a pacifier after she had eaten (she never was big on it, and after about 4 months only used it at night or naps when I switched her from the boob; she hasn't really used one since 7 or 8 mos). Then it kind of leveled out a bit (from what I remember). We have had periods of time where she has seemed almost newborn-ish in her desire to nurse, but I think it is more emotionally related (separation anxiety, teething - although at 11.5 mos, we still have NONE!) I have never had plugged ducts, mastitis, low-supply, etc, so I can't speak to that (thank God and knock wood). My nipples are now like teflon!

I attended a breastfeeding support group put on by the birth center where I delivered. It was wonderful and even though I had no major problems, I think part of the reason was listening to other mothers and their issues. The more experienced moms shared what worked for them and the lactation consultant was wonderful in getting to the root of the problem. So, maybe find a group - La Leche League, breastfeeding support group, or a local moms group who share the same values, it helps immensely! In this day and age, most of my family did NOT breastfeed and if they did, it was only for the first couple weeks. Support is NOT there anymore like it used to be in the days of yore, and it was a tremendous help for me. Just to be around people who understood and didn't just want to "give her the bottle". One of my biggest problems was hearing everyone tell me to give her cereal (she is only crying because she is hungry) and that my milk wasn't strong enough (whatever that means). I knew what I was doing was right and I would get so defensive. Still do sometimes. I have become a total lactivist. (Of course to those that chose bottle feeding or supplementation, or have no choice, I respect your decision to do what is right for your family. I did what I felt was right with mine. Absolutely NO judgement should be inferred from my tone).

The biggest issue I have had with breastfeeding was that the only way my daughter wanted to sleep AT ALL was attached to my boob - for naps and night-time sleep (not really breastfeeding's fault at all, it's nature's default setting for the little ones). Finally, at 8.5 months, I couldn't take it anymore as I had ZERO time for myself with a now-crawler. We co-slept at night and she slept on me during the day (when she slept). She was at the 24/7 buffet and she took full advantage, boy! When she was awake (most of the time) she was on the move constantly, so it became tough. This leads me to sleep (or lack thereof).

SLEEP:
Oh goodness did I pray for this girl to sleep. Nighttime was not too bad because we established a routine early on with bath, books, and bed. However, this meant I was in my pajamas too, because after bath she fell asleep on me nursing and stayed there until I went to bed. That meant me on the couch for sometimes 4 hours without using the bathroom until bedtime. Crazy! But it worked. She slept "through the night" in part because I was right next to her, and she grazed off and on all night long. This was all fine until she started becoming very "talky" - ie making a ton of noise in between nursing sessions while she was still asleep. Then the hubby started sleeping in the other room. I could tune it out for the most part, he could not. This continued until about 8.5 months.

Napping - I have struggled and struggled with this babes to nap. I know she needed it, she was plum exhausted, but she wouldn't give in. WOULD NOT GIVE IN. (again people tell me, still do, maybe she doesn't need that much sleep, she seems fine - but I know better). When she was 3 wks plus I did A LOT of babywearing, and little else. I would walk everywhere and bounce her on the exercise ball (did I mention we had colic, too? Lovely!) My husband would play music and sing to her and dance. Mainly it was movement that helped. I just continued that trend throughout most of the newborn period. If all else failed, walking eventually would do it. Not a stroller or a bouncy seat, it had to be on me to work. She used to sometimes fall asleep nursing and then I would just have a book or my laptop or my tv and hang out for however long she slept. I took naps too. I figured it was all justified. At the 4-5 month point I could sometimes get her to sleep in her swing for about 30 mins to 1 hour, but the conditions had to be just right. We moved at the 5.5 month mark and after that nothing worked except nursing and sleeping on me. For 3 more months! People told me I was ruining her and to put her down, but my girl doesn't cry, she screams. And I felt like she was still so little and I just wanted her to sleep, not to fight her. I wanted her to feel attached and trust me.

Along came crawling and climbing from the day she turned 8 months. Gone were the days when I could veg or read or surf the net while she played happily on the floor with her toys. Now it was constant redirection and supervision from impending danger (power cords, outlets, etc). I was wore out with NO time to myself (remember I was still on the couch at this point all evening with her and then slept with her at night). She had stopped napping, even on me, for longer than 30 minutes. So I knew we needed a change as I was having a slight breakdown.

I have read so many baby sleep books out there from all sorts of experts on every end of the spectrum. I bought a program from the internet. I was TOTALLY against crying it out, but really felt I had no other choice at the time. (I was living with my parents while my husband went to school out of state. I had no problem with fussing, but she would ramp up from 0 to 150 in 0.1 seconds flat!). So after many many tears and heart wrenching, I decided to do it. I ferberized her. I followed our routine and layed her down, checking on her every 1, 3 , 5 , and 10 minutes. My mom did the rest of the checks (God love her) because she SCREAMED for 1 hr and 45 minutes. My heart was breaking and I cried so hard, all the while drinking a half bottle of wine. She fell asleep and I was sure I would be up all night. I didn't think I could sleep with the guilt and worry, and also it was my first time sleeping alone in all that time. Exhaustion and alcohol really helped with that! She got up a couple times and we did the same thing. It took about 3 or 4 days but then she got it and started sleeping through (which, incidentally was not my goal. I just wanted her to nap on her own. Most experts agree that naps are the hardest to change and to start with nighttime sleep first). Sleeping through is technically a 5-6 hr stretch, usually between 11-5 (or 6). There is also the sleep association thing - how they fall asleep is what they expect when they wake up. So that is why it was difficult. But, with her, I felt a more gentle approach would still be a battle and take a hell of a lot longer. Just my assessment of my situation. [NOTE: most experts don't recommend CIO for a baby younger than 6 mos. Some babies still continue to need nutrition throughout the night as well, despite what the peds say. Don't you get hungry sometimes when you are "not supposed to"? It can be habit however. I am advocating neither co-sleeping or CIO, btw).

She still fought naps like crazy and for the first couple days would not sleep at all. She finally started getting 30 min naps at regular intervals. She would fall asleep fine, but wake up like clockwork at the 30 min mark. I tried sleep training her during the day, but she RESISTED and started losing weight from crying (read SCREAMING) in the crib. I was going nuts, questioning if I was doing the right thing, etc. So I stopped and just perservered with a strong pre-nap routine like bedtime, and when she woke up, she was up. She eventually got it and kept this pattern up for a month or 2, and then we moved again! Because there just wasn't enough havoc in my life at this point.

Fast forward to now, she is FINALLY starting to stretch them to 1 hr or longer and this started around 11 mos. We are still working on our "schedule" (term used loosely). I still follow her cues although I tried to regulate them a little and we have a flexible schedule. The routine for us is the key, once it starts she knows what is next - nap routine is diaper change, books, nurse, sleep (I play classical music while we do it and turn it off when I turn off the light), night routine is bath, pj's, books, nurse, sleep (again with music - its a good cue for her to switch gears). And we have traveled quite a bit, and as long as the routine is pretty much the same, she knows whats next and does quite well. Our next challenge will be the time change tonight.

I really think some kids are sleepers and some are not. My friends' kids are great sleepers - they can do so much during nap times. I often feel like "why is this so hard for me? how do others get so much done?" and then I remember that they have babies who sleep. So I do my best. I think Em is now hitting something developmentally and I just set the stage. She just always had her little mind going and didn't want to miss a beat (that must be genetic)! I think she is going to be a smart cookie, but of course I am totally, completely in love and biased!

I used to chart her times and try to analyze what I did differently if something worked or didn't (the nurse in me). All that did was make me crazier. Once I let it go and just went with the flow, things got a lot better. It might have been just my perspective, but maybe she picked up that I was more relaxed. Who knows. Seriously, if the nap didn't work, I picked up the peices and carried on with the plan of the day.

COPING:
I've read a comment on another blog where someone described new parenthood as a "total mindf***" and I laughed wholeheartedly because I couldn't agree more! No-one prepares you for how hard it is, I don't even know if that is possible. You hear all the pregnancy and delivery horror stories, but once the kid pops out it is supposed to be hearts and sunshine. Yeah okay. Don't get me wrong, it is the best time of your life, but it is also the worst! I was deployed with the Marines as a nurse in Kuwait during the start of the war that required working long hours over night and multiple runs to the bunkers, and I still haven't been this scared or sleep deprived in my entire life! Nothing can unsettle you faster than that helpless little newborn totally dependent on you for survival.

The unsolicited advice made me want to slit my wrists (or the giver's wrists). Of course, it always seemed to fly in the face of what I was doing or what I thought was the right way. So that made me a little wonky. I researched and "knew" how I wanted to do things, but you throw in sleep-deprivation, shaky self-confidence in this newfound role as "MOM", and a baby who wasn't "textbook" and it will have you doubting and questioning yourself like crazy.

And don't get me started on the books. I have read a TON of books on baby sleep, attachment parenting, etc. It's funny how even the so-called experts disagree with one another. There can be invaluable information and ideas in there, but when you are in a state of mind (previous paragraph) such as the new mommy fog - DON'T read the books. I read Dr Sears and felt that my baby who was held pretty much all the time wasn't being held enough. I worried that because she still cried and didn't "forget to fuss" that we weren't attaching or I was doing something wrong. Then I read Weissbluth and thought that because I didn't let her CIO and she nursed to sleep and we slept together, that I was screwing up her sleep for the rest of her life. Tracy Hogg made me want to die with her "scheduling" and understanding the differences in the baby's cries. THEY ALL SOUNDED THE SAME TO ME! No matter what kind of discernment I listened with, I never heard any difference. So, after months of trying to justify my actions, I said screw it and stopped reading unless I was looking for specific information. This even includes websites, etc. There is some bogus info out there.

So I thought, "what was wrong with me?" Where was this mommy intuition I had heard about that I was supposed to rely on? Why was mine broken? S L O W L Y this has developed for me. Even when I knew what was right, I still made myself nuts reading and questioning and doubting, and in the end I did what I thought I would do anyways. I don't understand why I needed so much justification. FYI - in real life I am very assertive and decisive. I have a lot of self-confidence and have faith in the decisions that I make. Not as a mommy. It's all very interesting to me. Now what I struggle with is the guilt that I wasted all that time with mental anguish instead of "just doing it" and not giving a damn what anyone thought. I always felt I had to defend myself and justify my actions and philosophy. Whatever.

I don't want to make it sound like I was completely miserable. I loved my baby, I was happy, I had a great family, an extremely helpful and loving husband. But it was hard. And I don't think you are "supposed" to talk about it. You are supposed to have your shit together and be Martha Frickin' Stuart Mommy. Thank God for my husband who picked up the housework/cooking slack. I seriously did nothing except the baby. I think everyone thought I had postpartum depression or something because I was very honest over my experiences, which is what I am sharing now.

I had heard, in the early days, while I was suffering through the colic (oh, I mean my baby was), "give it 3 months and things get better". HA. Ha ha ha ha. It was more like 4 or 5 for Em, but for me, it was like 10 months. Now I feel I am emerging from the fog and starting to find myself again. Life is good and we are having so much fun. Regular sleeping and a flexible "schedule" really helped. I am finding time for myself now (ie blogging!) and have begun exercising and taking much needed and better care of myself. I am to the point I can think of starting the insanity all over again. As my best friend put it, "I love babies, but I wish you could get them at 6 months". Very true, especially if you experience a high-needs baby!

Bright points for me were the breastfeeding group, a select group of internet sites that I trust to give me good advice (ie Ask Moxie - the BEST), and playgroups and meeting other moms who are going through the same thing. I find it really does take a village, if only to keep the mommy sane. It's nice to complain about things to people who understand and don't give you that look like they should call DCFS.

Another thing, have one thing to do everyday that gets you both out of the house. A walk, a run to the store, a walk around Target, a trip to the library, coffee and a donut, anything where you can get outside. I used to walk to whatever I could and look around. I would take a book, so if she fell asleep, I could get a coffee or lunch and read. I got very good at eating over her head while wearing her! Or I would nurse her at the table and sometimes she'd fall asleep and then I could eat. One thing. It was a lifesaver. You always knew you had something to look forward to, even if the rest of the day was total shit.

Keep repeating this phrase to yourself like a mantra "This too shall pass!" It will, and before you know it you will blink and have an almost-toddler! There were times I felt like an alcoholic, repeating the serenity prayer over and over. Sigh. And as the lovely Moxie says, "You are the BEST parent for YOUR child!"

I think that is it. Sheesh.

So, anyways, probably WAY more information than anyone bargained for, but I hope this helps. This is not advice of any kind, just my story. Take it for what its worth!